Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category

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January 1st, 2010  Posted at   Divorce, Engagement
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Have I mentioned I adore Mr. V? He’s the best. Took me out to dinner last night for my birthday with his sister and brother-in-law (and Pumpkinhead) and got me my favorite Mexican soup because he knew I was feeling crappy. Then we came home and he put me to bed with a pain pill and proceeded to play Wii with Pumpkinhead and his BIL. He woke me up at 11:45 p.m. to ring in the New Year with my two favorite boys, put me back to bed at 12:05 and let me sleep in until 12:30. :D

Today we are going to CarMax. The consequences of Chapin not paying any of what he was awarded in the divorce are really impacting me (creditors putting me up to the default rate and dropping me down to my available credit and/or closing accounts). I thought that taking the Big Ass Truck and paying on it would save my credit. Wrong… So while we can we are purchasing a 2007 Mazda CX-7 Grand Touring ($400/mo. plus $400/6 mos insurance) and we are taking the Tundra back to the credit union tomorrow ($600/mo. and $750/6 mos insurance). Then we are going to start dealing with these creditors and trying to pay everything off so that Chapin’s bad choices will stop impacting me/us.

Monday is my performance review. So. Burned. Out. Will update afterwards to let you know how it goes but I am at the end of my badly, badly fraying rope.

September 21st, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Single Parents
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So men are really pissing me off today.

First it was my boss who kept insisting I invite a coworker who is in the middle of an international relocation/vacation to several meetings this week. I finally said, “Um, boss, not to be rude or out of line, but isn’t [coworker x] on vacation?” His response? “Well all of us are expected to check in on vacation.” Okay… Sure, for urgent matters. But for the technical training I can provide her with in a week when she’s back in the office? Um, no. Asshole.

Then Mr. V is totally on my bad side. He lost a huge client last week (1/4 of his annual revenue). In order to help out, I am taking on a second job. So I spent 1.5 hours on an orientation call this evening for this ethnography service (you follow people around a store and observe their shopping habits, offering gift cards in exchange for survey responses). Anyway, in the middle of the conference call my Dad called and asked if he could come stay the night. Am I the only one who thinks turning down a family member is akin to sacrilege? So of course I said sure. I thought he was on his way to the UAE Sunday but he ended up stating three more days and will fly out Wednesday night. Anyway, Mr. V was pissed. Said the house was a mess (I cleaned the living room/entry way/dining room last night and cleaned out the guest room/made the queen bed upstairs). Then when my Dad arrived, he stayed quiet and ignored him. Finally, when my Dad went to get a snack before bed, he let out the biggest sigh.

Excuse me? I live here. I pay part of the bills, too. My Dad is perfectly welcome to eat the food my money buys and sleep on my bed in our house. Grrr. WTF?!?! Seriously, do you think Mr. V would have told his family the timing was inconvenient and that they couldn’t spend the night? I understand that the last-minute nature of the request was rude but it is my Dad. And I love him. And he’s off to the Middle East for God knows how many years. Geez!! If he wants to open our fridge without asking, well, that’s how I was raised – mi casa es su casa. My parents brought strays and random church folks and hippies and crazy people over all the time. Heck, sometimes I even had to share a room. It was just how we were. If the man wants to be with me, he has to accept both me and my family, quirks and all.

Grrr….

September 13th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Single Parents
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I need new perfume. I’ve been out of my signature scent, Sensuous, for a few months now, but I still have body cream. Unfortunately every time I put it on it makes me think of Blue Eyes and this last year of difficult divorce recovery. So I don’t wear it. I have the same thing with men’s scents. Chapin wore Chrome and always smelled amazing. I love a good smelling man.

Yesterday I was at garage sale #2 trying to make some money getting rid of some of my stuff. As I stood there folding my son’s baby clothes, I inhaled and was immediately taken back to late nights rocking him to sleep. And I knew I had to reclaim some of those precious items. Even after washing them they still had his amazing baby scent.

Am I the only one who has such a strong reaction to scents? To this day I cannot smell certain soap without thinking of my Gramy. My mother also has a very specific and yummy scent – she’s always prided herself on smelling good. My Granddad was super allergic to creams and scents so he always smelled like talcum powder. Just inhaling that makes me cry.

So I need a new perfume. A signature scent with no associated memories for a new life going forward. And I think it’s definitely time to toss the Sensuous cream. No matter what, every time I try to wear it, I get flashbacks. Done…

August 5th, 2009  Posted at   Divorce, Family Stuff, Single Parents
   |   5 Comments

I am entering my 7th week with no child support. The summer is not a good time for this, as you single parents are well aware. My summer daycare costs have been high. Add to that the moving expenses, the $6,200 I had to pay to SELL the house, the student loan payments that have kicked in now that my semester of medical leave is over and I have officially withdrawn, and you can see how I might be a bit stressed. Sigh…

The bills seem to have no end. Chapin decided to stop paying all of his credit cards, including one that – even though we closed it while separated – continues to be in my name. It was “awarded to him” in the divorce, but of course I am legally liable for the debt. In the meantime it is reporting 120 days past due and two of my other creditors have decided to raise me to the default rate as a result. Lovely. Plus the Big Ass Truck payment ($585/mo.) is really getting hard to make. So… I have asked for a few months of forbearance on the loans while I get my shit together. And I think I’m going to have to do a voluntary repo on the truck. I hate to do it but ultimately I think I can make a good argument with the divorce decree because it was awarded to Chapin. I just can’t keep up with such an expensive item.

My parents, in the meantime, continue to ride my ass to get the money back that they lent me to help with closing. I paid most of it but they lent me some. I gave them all of the escrow funds and am just waiting for Blue Eyes to pay me back the money he owes me. One of my law school friends gave me a demand letter (I have a promissory note and he is 4 months past due now, going on 5 months), but I haven’t sent it yet. I hate conflict. I want to believe he will pay me without problems. I probably just need to call him. My father has been out of work since May and still hasn’t found anything.

This weekend Mr. V and I are having a garage sale with a friend and trying to sell a lot of my surplus furniture, baby items, books and other things. With any luck I’ll make a decent amount of money and can put it towards some outstanding medical bills and cover back-to-school costs for Pumpkinhead during tax-free weekend at the end of August.

Yep, divorce is expensive. It is very frustrating to have gone from doing relatively well to having every paycheck spent pretty much the day I get it. I was doing better when I had regular child support but the lack of it is killing me. Anyone have good belt-tightening tips?

July 25th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Mommy stuff, Single Parents
   |   2 Comments

So I’m frustrated today. Ex-boyfriend has not paid back any of the money he owes me and, with the way my parents talk, you’d think they are going into the poorhouse any day now because they helped me pay the closing costs on my house sale. Waah, waah, waah. Meanwhile I haven’t received child support in a month, had to pay $450 for medical tests, my bank account is overdrawn, I don’t get paid for another week and Stupid Ex-Husband who refuses to pay the only joint credit card he was ordered to pay in our divorce decree is RUINING MY CREDIT! All of my cards just jumped up to the default rate because of the “delinquency.” Fuck.

And yesterday Chapin lost his job. Called me in the morning to whine and to ask if I could help him find something else. I told him there’s a little thing called a public library with free computers. He also asked if he could borrow some money. I told him I don’t have a dime to my name. He said fine and hung up.

Fast forward to today… I try to get Chapin to take Pumpkinhead tonight and he acts all cagey, saying he didn’t sleep last night and asking if he can take him tomorrow instead. I feel bad thinking maybe he was so upset about losing his job that he couldn’t sleep. Still, I press for him to watch Pumpkinhead overnight (too long without sex makes PT-LawMom a Very.Cranky.Woman!) Finally the story comes out. He’s three hours away. At a casino. Where he won $400. Fucker!!! So not only has he not paid me for a month, now he has money and still won’t take his kid? Oh hell no!!! I told him he is getting Pumpkinhead on his doorstep at 5 p.m.

Of course that means that after a day spent sanding down kitchen cabinets for Mr. V’s parents (because I said I would when I moved in but have been sick ever since), I have to drive 1.5 hours round trip to drop the kid off just so that perhaps I can have a nice night with my boyfriend. That would be the same boyfriend who won’t let me start painting our room this afternoon because it would “cut into his nap.” (He has a medical condition and does have to nap but sometimes the timing really freaking sucks!) And the same boyfriend who has been constantly on edge and pissy for the past few weeks because things haven’t been going well with his job. Well my life is hard, too, but you don’t see me walking around with a sourpuss face cranky all the time. Life’s short, damn it!

Finally, I am trying to sell some of my furniture. It’s kind of killing me even though I need the money and don’t really have anywhere to put this stuff. The thing is that I am just feeling shaky right now. I have lost sooooo much in the past year and now it’s like I have to give even more up and trust that everything will work out. I believe it will. I do. But it feels like I’m riding on a wing and a prayer sometimes and that makes the control freak in me want to scream… or cry.

July 14th, 2009  Posted at   Divorce, Family Stuff, Health, Mommy stuff
   |   9 Comments

Life’s gotten a little overwhelming lately and I’ve turned into Cranky Miss SnarkyPants. Probably doesn’t help that my monthly friend finally showed up a full TWO WEEKS late. Grrr.

Chapin has given up his apartment and taken a traveling job where he may be home once every two weeks. Maybe every three. But he can only see Pumpkinhead for a few hours because where would they sleep? :( He called every night for the first week and now nothing. Putz. And don’t even ask about child support. Gone. (Not because of him but because the stupid wage withholding order takes FOREVER to get issued to the new employer).

Money is tight. First electric bill came in and it is a doozy. And poor Mr. V who runs his own company and teaches in the fall and spring for steady income has been losing customers left and right so this summer SUCKS. Inconsiderate me got grouchy with him when he said he was considering giving up his health insurance to save money. Personally, as a sick person, I think that is insane. But apparently people do it all the time. Horrors! I told him we can both save money by cooking at home every night and that if I cook enough for dinner, he should have leftovers for lunch (a meal he also eats out often). Nasty Ms. Nastykins also laid the guilt on good about money generally and longterm financial compatibility. :( On the one hand, I needed to say something as part of my new “set your boundaries and say what you need” life strategy and because I am feeling the pressure as a single mom. On the other hand, he is always there for me and I can definitely see how this is a temporary slump brought on by the lousy economy. Still, it is scary. I wouldn’t have the tolerance for running my own business for this very reason.

I think I am also feeling snarky because I had to redo benefits today. In a twist of great luck, I got the chance to up my voluntary life by $60k to a total of $180k without health forms (I can’t qualify for life insurance without an employer’s guarantee, but I am also eligible for and carry $450k in AD&D since it’s more likely I will die in an accident at this age.) But then I had to pick a beneficiary to hold the money on Pumpkinhead’s behalf and use it for his benefit. Considering my parents’ complete inability to handle financial matters appropriately, I had to choose not to put my mother down. The question then was best friend/Godmother or ex-husband. For now ex-husband wins. I know, it sounds crazy. But I had no choice and the reality is that, if I die right now, Chapin *would* get Pumpkinhead. The beneficiary info is listed as “Chapin as custodian for Pumpkinhead under the [State] Uniform Transfer to Minors Act.” Godmother is contingent beneficiary. Under our divorce decree, Chapin has to take out a certain amount of life insurance and name me as beneficiary so I think it is probably fair for me to do the same for now. Doesn’t make it any less of a gutwrencher.

May 20th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Family Stuff, Mommy stuff, Single Parents
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Yesterday was rough. New Roomie is very melodramatic. But Mr. V and I have decided it’s he and I against the world and that this is a temporary situation. Pumpkinhead really likes her kids and, quite frankly, I cannot afford both my own apartment and summer daycare for him. :sad: But Pumpkinhead is sad. He drew a picture yesterday of a boy with a downturned smile next to a house and wrote “A house is a house”. He’s also pulling the skin off around his fingers, although that started even before my fight with my mother. I am very worried about him and am going to call his psychiatrist today to see if she can see him.

Speaking of my mother, she packed up all of my dishes from her kitchen and put them outside my door. Then she left town for the week. :shock:

New Roomie called me yesterday to ask how much I intend to pay her to watch Pumpkinhead each night while I’m with Mr. V. Okay, what?!? This has been something she has brought up over and over and I keep telling her I won’t be with Mr. V every night. And that Pumpkinhead’s Dad has him two evenings a week. And that if I’m with Mr. V other nights, Pumpkinhead will most likely be with us. Anyway, New Roomie said she will charge $50 for a night out. :shock: Um, no thanks. I’ll find my own sitter. JESUS!

As for Mr. V, he said that New Roomie blew a lot of stuff out of proportion. After talking to her yesterday about various things, I agree. So he and I will talk amongst ourselves and take EVERYTHING she says with a huge grain of salt. Sigh… And this is only temporary while I check out good schools for Pumpkinhead and find a place for him to land.

Now for the weird part. Pumpkinhead said to me last night, “Did you hear me call [Mr. V] [Blue Eyes]? Don’t you think they look alike?” (Um, tall, dark blue-eyed, so, sure a bit, but not totally, and Mr. V asked me out so it’s not like I went after someone who looked like Blue Eyes). “Will we ever see [Blue Eyes] again? Do you remember where he lives? Do you think he remembers me?” Yeah, I almost lost it there. :sad: I am such a selfish witch of a mother. Damn. This is exactly why dating as a single parent is so fucking hard. Because it is not just your heart that breaks, but your child’s heart. I know Pumpkinhead adored Blue Eyes and he just disappeared from his life one day. As a five year-old, that had to be traumatic. I don’t know of another way it could have gone but, wow, talk about a Parent FAIL. :cry: On the other hand, Blue Eyes has been a single parent for years and dated many, many, MANY women, the majority of whom have met his girls. His girls don’t seem to be the worse for it. So who knows? Crap.

So bottom line is Pumpkinhead is stressed and worrying me. New Roomie is melodramatic and a little on the crazy side. Mr. V rocks (and I adore him). And the next few months are going to be interesting. But if I keep the end goal in sight and start searching for good schools and a secure place for us to live in August, that should help.

May 10th, 2009  Posted at   Divorce, Family Stuff, Mommy stuff, Single Parents
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So I took Friday off work to clean up the house and get the rest of the boxes out of the attic. Despite promising to do so multiple times, my father had never completed the task. Eleven boxes, three scrapes and four bruises later, I had everything down the attic stairs, down to the first floor and out to the Big Ass Truck. Hauled it off to the storage unit for storage.

It was there that I had a problem. First, I realized that all those boxes were Pumpkinhead’s baby clothes. When I told Chapin he could have the clothes, I must have been on crack. Looking at the little hat that Pumpkinhead wore home from the hospital reduced me to tears and smelling his sweet baby smell on one of my favorite outfits made me crave to hold that little sweet baby boy again. So the boxes are tucked away in storage. If I don’t have my own babies again, I will sell or give the clothes away, but I know I cannot bear the idea of seeing one of Chapin’s future children wearing Pumpkinhead’s clothes.

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Baby outfit

So I went to the storage unit to search for the papers for my house. Not sure what the heck I was thinking when I put the papers in storage. Of course my Dad had the bright idea to put the heavy boxes all the way in the back and the couches, toys, train tables, and other items in front. So I arrived at the storage unit and had to kick of my shoes and crawl over piles of stuff to make my way to the back. Two hours and a good 30 boxes later, I finally found the house papers under a desk in the Very Last Box! Of course. :roll: And the evil storage unit people had the lights on a motion-detected timer so I had to do most of the searching in the dark. The motion sensor was all the way at the end of the hall and pointing in the opposite direction! What genius thought up that system? Grrr. Hey, but at least I have the papers. It was either find them or pay for a new survey.

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P.S. Big Ass Truck squashed a frog. Gross, but I totally had to share.

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May 6th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Single Parents
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David at Dad’s House has a great post today full of marriage advice. Yeah, hindsight gives you some good perspective…

And for fun, my friend, T, is having a Masturbation Celebration. Tell her about your hottest/riskiest masturbation moment (i.e., when you could have gotten caught) and you might win a $50 gift certificate to get some toys. Of course, I think you should buy all your toys from Babeland (starting with anything from Lelo’s awesome line of Swedish gems!)

May 6th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Health, Single Parents
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Last week in group therapy we talked about trying to find things we enjoy that have nothing to do with our partner. Some women listed cooking or dancing or entertaining people in their homes, but most of us agreed that it was hard for us to determine what we like without feeling unsure if it was really “us” talking or one of the people in our lives.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past year (can you believe it’s been a year?!?) because it is one of the main tenets of divorce recovery – find things you enjoy doing by yourself or just for yourself that make you happy. May sound weird but it’s hard when you are a people pleaser. So after much reflection, here are some of mine:

1. Reading – there is nothing I love more than a good book. I just joined a book club and am about to dive into this month’s selection. Yay! :-)

2. Singing – I grew up in the choir. While my mother is a professional singer/songwriter and my brother got her voice, I can sing and I enjoy it. I love music and always have iTunes playing on my Mac when I’m home or one of the music channels on the TV.

3. Dancing – One of the classes I took in university was ballroom dancing. I really, really enjoyed it and would love to take more classes. My grandparents used to go out dancing every Tuesday. So sweet. :grin:

4. Writing – Growing up, I was a consistent journaler. That is, until my brother would find them and share them with his friends. Or until a middle school classmate found the ones I hid at school to avoid my brother and read them out loud to class. :evil: Hence the blogging. My mother always said I should be a soap opera writer because I have a flair for melodrama. Whatever. She’s a narcissist. Writing is my only “safe” way to get my feelings out without feeling like I will be attacked. And I’m a much more effective written communicator.

5. Travel – My weekend away in March to see my friend was one of the best times I have ever had and it reminded me of how much I love to get away and see new places. My parents used to take us on weekend trips all the time when I was young and we moved a lot so I really enjoy exploring. When Pumpkinhead was a baby, I convinced Chapin to let me take him to Boston to visit one of the girls I had met on a birth board. Sweet freedom! Pumpkinhead was three months old and we flew to an airport about an hour away from my friend’s house and rented a car to save significant money on the flight. We had a blast driving around Massachusetts, New Hampshire, etc., and exploring the old towns, the outlet mall, the parks, etc., just me and my little guy. I love the peacefulness of getting lost in a place where no one knows me. Not to mention the chance to see new architecture, accents, ways of interacting, art, food, etc. So much fun!! :mrgreen: Mr. V is from Michigan and has mentioned a possible trip up there. Other than Chicago, where I have been several times, I have never been to the rest of that state, so that sounds like fun. I’d also like to visit Arizona sometime. Love desert areas.

6. Movies/Theater/Opera/Museums. I really like the arts. Living in DC was awesome because I could go down to the National Gallery of Art at lunch and just wander around for free anytime I wanted. When we lived in PA and my mother was in university training, she sang with Pavarotti and others and we got into the opera free regularly. It rocked!! I remember seeing Evita when I was little and then being totally obsessed with Eva Peron. LOL. And don’t get me started on how much I loved the score to The Phantom of the Opera. As for movies, I will go anytime and I will go alone. Chapin never understood that and would get mad at me so I stopped doing it. But you know what? I love movies and, damn it, if no one will go with me, I’ll go alone. Hell, before we got married (last time I was single), I even went to a George Strait/Kenny Chesney/Sara Evans concert and sat in the stands with a book and a beer just chilling all day and enjoying the music. PERFECT DAY! Who gives a crap if you are alone if you are having fun?!?

That’s it for now. But I’m going to keep thinking about things to add to my “happiness list”. What makes you happy?

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