Noise drives me nuts. Fingernails tapping on a desk. The sound of people chewing. A dog slurping its water. The sniffle of someone with a cold. It is so irritating it is almost physically painful to me. Tonight Mr. V got really pissed at me because a Cindy Crawford commercial’s insane rhythm was making my skin crawl and I couldn’t take it anymore. I seriously cannot be the only one out there with this weird condition. And a condition it is. I seriously could not sit through a meal with my parents as a teenager because the sound of my mother chewing would make me want to gouge my eyeballs out. Anyone? Anyone?!?!
Posts Tagged ‘Mental Health’
Sunday Stealing: Random Dozen Meme
07
Sep
1. When you go to Walmart, what one thing do you get every single time, besides a funky-wheeled squeaking cart full of frustration? Chocolate
2. What is something that people are currently “into” that you just don’t get or appreciate? Reality television – bleech!
3. What is something that really hoists your sail that other people might feel “ho-hum” about? I am a bit of a Facebook fanatic, especially since Mr. V introduced me to Mafia Wars. I don’t usually play games but that one is fun!
4. Favorite song to sing in the shower or car? I’m not consistent but I love to sing and do it more so in the car.
5. A really great salad must have this ingredient: Mushrooms
6. What advice in a nutshell would you give to new bloggers? Don’t blog anything you wouldn’t say out loud. I know, I know, I blog a lot of wild crap. But I would say it out loud. I would!
7. What was the alternate name that your parents almost named you? Do you wish they had chosen it instead of the one they gave you? Bronwyn Mary. I think it is beautiful but I like my name. I was ultimately named after my late Godmother and I appreciate being named after such a wonderful woman.
8. What in your life are you waiting for? This, this, this, this, this (business travel) and this
9. You get a package in the mail. What is it, and who is it from? A book from an Amazon Marketplace seller.
10. Today–what song represents you? I’d like to say “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. But in my neurotic state it’s probably “If You Had My Love” by Jennifer Lopez
11. What is one thing that blogging has taught you about yourself? I’m a little nutty. 
12. How are you going to (or how did you) choose the clothes you’re wearing today? What do they say about you in general or specifically how you’re feeling today? I had to go for a midnight dive into the pool to rescue my glasses. They fell in after an unexpected sexy afternoon skinny dip with my man. (hubba hubba) I didn’t realize they were in the pool until we were leaving for dinner so I went out to eat blind and then jumped in when I came back. Picked my clothes because they were dry and warm. It’s almost noon and I’m still wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt.
To participate in Sunday Stealing, visit the blog and add your link.
Moving On
10
May
God answers prayers and He answers them quickly. 
I was literally crying in my beer when Mr. V and two of his friends showed up at a local Mexican restaurant with some answers for me. Mr. V’s friend is renting a house from his parents, who have bought a home locally to retire to in a few years. The friend is a divorced SAHM with three children who works part-time from home but generally uses her child support to support her and the kids while she stays home. She was going to have to go back to work once she moved into the house, but is offering me a room in the house for the summer. Pumpkinhead can sleep in my room or share a room with the other six year-old (I have bunk beds to offer!) and she can watch the kids this summer, saving me a ton on childcare, while I get to know the area and find a good school for him to go to.
This offers several advantages.
1) My son gets other kids to play with, which will thrill him to no end.
2) I’m not running to a man to save me.
3) It gives me a chance to see where things go with Mr. V without pressure and decide whether I want to move to an apartment in August, stay on with his friend if it is working or do something else.
4) It helps me not get stuck in a horrible apartment situation with a year-long lease.
5) It cuts my commute CONSIDERABLY!! (Literally half the commute time I have now).
6) It gets me closer to a ton of my existing friends, which furthers my goal of spending more time with people my own age who have kids. I have a bunch of girlfriends on that side of town from my last job who I could see far more frequently if I lived over there.
7) It gives Pumpkinhead the chance to get away from Evil Forced-Meds Elementary School – grrr! The other school district is also highly rated, more diverse (which I like) and has a lot of programs for kids with special needs (both G/T and the other end of the spectrum).
It saves me serious bucks on summer childcare. I was sooooo worried about how I was going to afford summer care for Pumpkinhead and now I may actually be able to afford to send him to do some fun one-off activities. Yay!
9) The woman goes to my church so we can all go together each week. 
(See, God!)
10) Perhaps I can actually get all my crap out of storage.
So I am feeling much more relieved this morning.
My mother, however, is not. 
She came in with tea and banana bread and woke me up from a very sound sleep and snuggle with Pumpkinhead at the Ass Crack of Dawn. Grrr. After opening up Mother’s Day presents and sending Pumpkinhead into the house to play, I told her I was moving. She of course freaked out. And said that I’m going to kill my father. 
And that I am being very selfish and not thinking of Pumpkinhead’s needs. I bit my tongue and tried to tactfully but not nastily remind her how much she and Dad fight in front of Pumpkinhead. She doesn’t see it…
She is convinced I am doing this out of selfishness and that Pumpkinhead will be the worst for it. Pumpkinhead is excited to spend time with more kids. He loves going to his Dad’s apartment because there are kids to play with. My mother freaks out anytime Pumpkinhead wants to have the girl across the street over. Hmm… And Pumpkinhead is “messy” and “stressful” and “difficult”. Um, yeah, *I’m* the selfish one.
She may be right that this kills my Dad. He cried when I first moved in with Chapin. But you know what? I Do Not Own That. I need to make the best decision for me and my son. And I cannot continue to hang around here and let her be so unkind towards me. She said this morning that she thinks that every time you have sex with someone, you leave a little bit of your heart behind. Good thing she doesn’t know how many men I’ve actually slept with. 
But you know what I told her? “Mom, you never said anything when I was 18 and had my 30 year-old boyfriend over. Or when I was dating Chapin. Why not?” She said, “I don’t know…” I said, “Well you know what? Back then it may have made a difference. But now you are Too Late!” Lessons learned, I suppose. 
Happy F(*&ing Mother’s Day
09
May
My mother just called me a whore. Again.
Earlier this week I sent her and my Dad a schedule for next week of all my late night/early morning work commitments and also mentioned that I wanted to drive out to see Mr. V on Friday night and return Saturday morning. I asked them to let me know if they had any conflicts for watching Pumpkinhead or to raise any concerns. My Mom wrote back that she was on board with everything.
This morning at 8:30 a.m., my mother called to ask when I was coming home. I had JUST gotten up. I told her I was drinking coffee, that it was an hour’s drive back and that I anticipated arriving home mid-morning. She bitched.
When I got home, she was trying to close the cell phone account she and my father opened for Chapin ON THEIR OWN – no request, desire, or indication from either me or Pumpkinhead (or Chapin, btw!!!) that the account was even needed. She tried to put AT&T on speakerphone “so my daughter can hear how much her ex-husband’s phone is costing us.” WTF?!? I said, “No, Mom, that’s all on you. Not my problem!”
So she was pissed. When she got off the phone, she started laying into me about last night. First she told me she didn’t like me sleeping over at “some guy’s house”. Then she asked, “What do you think the Christian teachings would say about your whoring actions?” 
Mind you, she said this all IN FRONT OF MY SON. So what the fuck is she saying to him when I’m not around?
I told her she was way out of line, told her she didn’t even know Mr. V (who, by the way, is Episcopalian and was an Acolyte at the church and an involved Boy Scout, which my Dad would love) and walked out. Then I called Mr. V and sobbed my heart out. She really, really, REALLY hurt my feelings. I don’t know quite what to do. I suppose I should go get an apartment but that’s more money I just don’t have. But my son can’t continue to sit in the crossfire. Maybe I will wait until the school year ends on June 4 or see what happens with the house closing. If I get a bit of money out, I might be able to afford to do something. I need to protect my son and between my Dad’s mental health issues, which are better, thank God, and my mother’s fucking insanity/jealousy/bullshit, I think he’s in the crossfire.
Mr. V said, “I guess she’s not getting a Mother’s Day gift now!” Yeah, well, here’s the thing. She’s still my mother. And she almost died last year. And she obviously needs psychological help because I do not recognize this woman! Holy crap. I am so upset. Now off to take Pumpkinhead to shop. At the very least he needs to get her something.
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My Favorite Things
06
May
Last week in group therapy we talked about trying to find things we enjoy that have nothing to do with our partner. Some women listed cooking or dancing or entertaining people in their homes, but most of us agreed that it was hard for us to determine what we like without feeling unsure if it was really “us” talking or one of the people in our lives.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this over the past year (can you believe it’s been a year?!?) because it is one of the main tenets of divorce recovery – find things you enjoy doing by yourself or just for yourself that make you happy. May sound weird but it’s hard when you are a people pleaser. So after much reflection, here are some of mine:
1. Reading – there is nothing I love more than a good book. I just joined a book club and am about to dive into this month’s selection. Yay!
2. Singing – I grew up in the choir. While my mother is a professional singer/songwriter and my brother got her voice, I can sing and I enjoy it. I love music and always have iTunes playing on my Mac when I’m home or one of the music channels on the TV.
3. Dancing – One of the classes I took in university was ballroom dancing. I really, really enjoyed it and would love to take more classes. My grandparents used to go out dancing every Tuesday. So sweet.
4. Writing – Growing up, I was a consistent journaler. That is, until my brother would find them and share them with his friends. Or until a middle school classmate found the ones I hid at school to avoid my brother and read them out loud to class. Hence the blogging. My mother always said I should be a soap opera writer because I have a flair for melodrama. Whatever. She’s a narcissist. Writing is my only “safe” way to get my feelings out without feeling like I will be attacked. And I’m a much more effective written communicator.
5. Travel – My weekend away in March to see my friend was one of the best times I have ever had and it reminded me of how much I love to get away and see new places. My parents used to take us on weekend trips all the time when I was young and we moved a lot so I really enjoy exploring. When Pumpkinhead was a baby, I convinced Chapin to let me take him to Boston to visit one of the girls I had met on a birth board. Sweet freedom! Pumpkinhead was three months old and we flew to an airport about an hour away from my friend’s house and rented a car to save significant money on the flight. We had a blast driving around Massachusetts, New Hampshire, etc., and exploring the old towns, the outlet mall, the parks, etc., just me and my little guy. I love the peacefulness of getting lost in a place where no one knows me. Not to mention the chance to see new architecture, accents, ways of interacting, art, food, etc. So much fun!! Mr. V is from Michigan and has mentioned a possible trip up there. Other than Chicago, where I have been several times, I have never been to the rest of that state, so that sounds like fun. I’d also like to visit Arizona sometime. Love desert areas.
6. Movies/Theater/Opera/Museums. I really like the arts. Living in DC was awesome because I could go down to the National Gallery of Art at lunch and just wander around for free anytime I wanted. When we lived in PA and my mother was in university training, she sang with Pavarotti and others and we got into the opera free regularly. It rocked!! I remember seeing Evita when I was little and then being totally obsessed with Eva Peron. LOL. And don’t get me started on how much I loved the score to The Phantom of the Opera. As for movies, I will go anytime and I will go alone. Chapin never understood that and would get mad at me so I stopped doing it. But you know what? I love movies and, damn it, if no one will go with me, I’ll go alone. Hell, before we got married (last time I was single), I even went to a George Strait/Kenny Chesney/Sara Evans concert and sat in the stands with a book and a beer just chilling all day and enjoying the music. PERFECT DAY! Who gives a crap if you are alone if you are having fun?!?
That’s it for now. But I’m going to keep thinking about things to add to my “happiness list”. What makes you happy?
Yee-haw!
05
May
Well today was a banner day!
1. Got an offer on my house that will actually let me walk away without owing any money. Yes, I had a long-term lease offer but they weren’t willing to secure it with a non-refundable deposit so we kept showing it. And you know what? It’s been a year since our divorce. I don’t want to keep having ties to Chapin. And I don’t want to run the risk of something going wrong with the house and/or the tenants. So I’m getting out!
2. Came home to a very unexpected $1,200 check! Remember that Bad Service Provider from way back? Well she was the most evil dentist. Gave me two unnecessary and horribly performed root canals while arguing with her daughter in the room. Then wouldn’t answer my calls and pages when my cheek swelled to the size of a grapefruit. Told me I was being a baby and made me see an ENT ($200) to rule out nasal issues. Finally had to see a new dentist and an oral surgeon and pay them to redo all the work she had done. New dentist encouraged me to report her to the dental board. Turns out it wasn’t her first rodeo. Eighteen months later she got sanctioned for several patients and was ordered to make restitution. I thought she had reimbursed me back in late 2007 but I came home to a check today so I guess the restitution order was separate, Woo-hoo! Now I can pay my mortgage while I wait for the house sale to close!
3. Mr. V asked me if I would go away with him for the weekend in June. Love a man who takes charge and makes plans. Sweet!! Not sure if it will work out but I love that he’s up for traveling and willing to pick up and go. Because he owns his own business and can do it from anywhere with an Internet connection, it makes life much easier. I really like that.
And now, a little Bruce Robison. This song has been playing on one of my Pandora stations and I love it. Usually the songs I post have some kind of message behind them. This one has no message. I just love this guy’s voice so much!! Adore his wife, but hadn’t really familiarized myself with his work. (Sorry, this is the only embeddable video I could find, darn it – the song is called Bad Girl Blues).
It’s Not You; It’s Him
01
May
Rachel Sarah recently blogged about her friend’s book on the secret to seducing men, What Men Really Want In Bed: The Surprising Secrets Men Wish Women Knew About Sex
As an aside she also asked the author to explain what she did wrong on a setup that never called. I just had to share what one of her commenters said because it ties right into what I learned at therapy last night (below):
Guess what Rachel, you didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ with this guy Cindy tried to set you up with . . . he just simply wasn’t the right guy for you. Your man will accept you for who you are – aggressive or passive or anywhere in between.
What we women need to do is quit making excuses for men and making ourselves believe our failures in love are somehow our fault when we actually open up and be ourselves!
Now this isn’t a blanket grant to just do whatever whenever and expect to land the man of our dreams, but it’s a reinforcement of the idea we should be able to be ourselves and expect the ‘right’ man to fall in love with us as we are naturally. Anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth the time!
Rachel, you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who respects you for your success and strength and anyone not up for that can go ahead and fade into the distance. The way I see it, this guy did you a favor.
But mad props to Cindy for her effort to set you up. She obviously saw something great in this guy or she wouldn’t have made the connection with you. It’s too bad, but Mr. Right is around the corner and no use wasting time with Mr. Wrong.
So last night I was telling my therapy group about my two sobbing experiences with Mr. V and lamenting my apparent wimpy insecurity. Guess what the therapist said? “Have you ever thought that instead of berating yourself for “insecurity”, you should consider that asking the person you’re with not to do something that makes you feel bad because of horrible past experiences is actually setting an appropriate boundary?” She said that it is perfectly acceptable to set a boundary in a relationship (i.e., No talking about desiring other women, even in jest) and not feel ashamed or like you have no right to ask for that. Hmm… Wow, never thought of it that way. I like that idea.
Even better, I love what Rachel’s commenter said about the right guy being able to love us, foibles, insecurities and all. God knows I can and have overlooked plenty of crap in my love relationships. So why shouldn’t I expect someone else who wants to be with me to put up with my crap (as long as I’m not violating their boundaries)? I tend to feel like I come on too strong with people — friends, lovers, coworkers, whatever. But you know what? That is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m very open and direct. When people don’t respond in kind, I tend to undermine myself and convince myself of the worst. Definitely need to work on that. But also need to remember that I am worth being loved, being taken care of the way I take care of others, etc. Just as I woo, I should be wooed. Just as I love, I should be loved. And that is an important thing for me to remember as I move forward in my life and in working on me.
Masks
27
Apr
So I wasn’t going to blog this but I did promise that I would be real here about my divorce recovery process. Real to me and real to you. So here goes:
I cried again last week. Just burst into tears at something perfectly innocent and joking that Mr. V said. It wasn’t his fault. What he said wasn’t cruel or angry or anything. It was a joke that hit on something about which I apparently feel very vulnerable. But it made me realize that Chapin’s affairs (and the guys before him) have shaken my self-esteem to the core. And that is really not good. The thing is that it is such an irrational and dark emotion that comes up unexpectedly. I told Mr. V, “I don’t know why this keeps happening when it didn’t happen before.” And he, smartypants that he is, said, “Maybe now you have something you’re afraid to lose.” And that, I suppose, is healing. Because it means my heart is open to the experience. In other relationships I have been closed off. Erected walls to try to control things or minimize the fallout. Easier done when you’re not really invested in the relationship.
So Mr. V and I had a good talk. He listened. Really, really listened. And I don’t think he took it personally but he also called me on it and said that I need to stop questioning, worrying, etc., because the insecurity is undermining to the relationship. I don’t want to be *that* person. So I went back and looked at the chapter in my divorce recovery workbook on self-esteem and rebuilding it after divorce. It says, “Honoring your inner self is achieved by: focusing on yourself, controlling only that which is controllable, being compassionately detached, honoring and talking about your true feelings, having healthy and flexible boundaries, being honest and open, and being congruent. Healthy self-esteem can be manifested by actively working on accepting yourself as you are, rather than constantly criticizing or beating yourself, responsibly taking care of yourself rather than putting your own needs and wants aside in favor of another’s, and honoring your value as a unique individual on this earth, rather than trying to mold yourself to be like someone else.” Oh yeah. I am definitely worth it. And my child is worth it. And my future is worth it. And the healthy, loving relationship I want to have is worth it.
So… continuing therapy. Working on my self-esteem books. Working super-duper-uber hard to trust my heart, my feelings, and know that I cannot control the outcome of anything in my life. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. None of us know what that reason is. I must just learn to enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. To feel comfortable in the love that is offered and not question whether it is a farce. Insecurity is a weapon, as damaging to others as it is to my own soul. And by allowing it to continue, I give Chapin and all the others before him WAY more power than they deserve. I am lovable and sweet and kind and wonderful. I need to believe that just as I love fully and without reservation, others can love me back in the same way and that, should they make a bad choice, it is just that. Their choice. No reflection on me and everything to do with their own insecurities and flaws. I will NOT be dragged down by this dark cloud. I am going to push it out.
Masks (poem from the divorce recovery book)
Don’t be fooled by me… I give you the impression that I am secure, that the water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need no one. But don’t believe me.My surface my seem smooth, but it’s a mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. I panic at the thought of my fear and weakness being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, to help me pretend and to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. And I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance; if it is followed by love. It is the one thing that can liberate me, from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. But I don’t tell you this. I’m afraid to. Afraid you’ll think less of me, that you will laugh, that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game. My survival depends on breaking through these walls. It depends on me… fighting my fear, shielding my mask, and showing myself to you.
You can help me. You can hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want, or need. You can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. You can call me to aliveness. Each time you are kind and gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. Very feeble wings. But wings.
With your sensibility and empathy, and your power of understanding, you can help break down the wall behind which I tremble and I can finally remove my mask. I can release myself from my shadow world of manic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So please do not pass me by. It will not be easy for us. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. I know it’s irrational to fight against the very thing I cry out for. But love is stronger than the walls and in this lies my hope.
My Dad the Silent Thief
31
Mar
My father has possession of my Big Ass Truck and won’t give it back. And he put my life at risk to do it (see the end of this post).
I should have known he would do this. He’s been doing this kind of thing my whole life. Every single time my Mother would get a new computer for her, he would stealthly move in and take it over under the guise of it being for her own good because, really, he knows computers better. And, oh yeah, his “important work” requires a faster processor or the newest software. My Mom would let him “borrow” her new toy and next thing she knew it was his…
This weekend I “lent” him the Big Ass Truck which, if you will remember, he wanted from the get-go. He took Chapin Tundra shopping waaayyy back in the day. Then he was trying to figure out a way to buy it off Chapin when he couldn’t make the payments. But my mother nipped that in the bud. And the reality is that he is NOT helping me pay for it. And I’m sorry but as much as I love my Dad, he’s a filthy man. And he gets cars wicked dirty. No freaking way am I letting him take over the truck.
Of course his “excuse” tonight as to why, when he said last night he would take his car and leave me mine, will be that the gas is just too expensive for “poor little [PT-LawMom].” Guess what, Dad? Poor little me is a 30 year-old woman who can take care of her own gas bills and needs to protect this asset until she can sell it and recoup at least some of what she owes the bank for it!!! Argh. I can’t believe he thought I would fall for this.
Did I mention the worst part? I was going to rent a car this weekend to go on my three-hour road trip. In order to get me to use his car (so he could take over mine), he told me his car was fixed. Turns out that it isn’t fixed. He has NO TAILLIGHTS. He sent his “precious daughter” on a three hour road trip with nothing but reflective tape to pick up the light when she braked, but no taillights to show her in the dark. Nice… 
And lied about it when I asked him straight out. Gotta love that bipolar disorder.
Making Goals
19
Feb
So this self-esteem book has a whole section on planning to achieve your goals, whether they are very short-term goals at work, at home, etc., or longer-term ones in life. What I liked is that it tacked the stumbling blocks to achieving the goals and offered suggestions for overcoming them.
Stumbling Blocks to Achieving Goals:
1) Insufficient Planning: you must break down your large goals into small, discreet steps. Trying to achieve a major life goal all at once is like trying to swallow a whole loaf of bread in one gulp. You must take one bite at a time or you will choke.
2) Insufficient Knowledge: a very common stumbling block that requires overcoming a fear of asking for help.
3) Poor Time Management: if you are already juggling more balls than you can comfortably keep in the air, adding even one new goal may be one ball too many. Either become a better juggler or decide which balls to drop.
4) Unrealistic Goals: This is a form of self-sabotage. When you set unrealistic goals, you guarantee failure and continued low self-esteem.
5) Fear of Failure: While normal for everyone, this can be a huge stumbling block for people with low self-esteem.
6) Fear of Success: This is more rare but it’s actually a fear of delayed failure. You fear becoming successful for fear that ultimately you will fail. “The higher you climb, the farther you fall.”
Deconstruction Exercise
-
Overall Goal
1. What information do I need?
2. How much time do I need each day or week?
3. How much money do I need?
4. Whose help do I need?
5. What resources or services do I need?
6. What would be the earliest sign that I was starting to accomplish my goal? (first step)
7. How would I know I was well on my way to accomplishing my goal? (middle steps)
8. How would I know I had fully accomplished my goal? (final step)
~ Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem
There are so many other great tips in this book and the accompanying workbook. I’m trying to get through it all but I found this especially helpful for me in not catastrophizing situations and getting stuck/overwhelmed.
