My favorite hot Mama, kindred spirit and sexually direct friend, T, wrote a blog post this week about sex in marriage and what is realistic to expect now that she is in the single world. As usual, she may as well have written my thoughts out on paper.
A snippet (same for me but he initiated):
If any of you have been reading here for a while, you would probably assume that I am a very sexual person.
And you’d be assuming correctly!
So, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that it was I who usually did the sexual instigating in my marriage. When the ex and I were dating, we had sex every single time we saw each other. If there was a rare instance that we didn’t have sex, I would go into a deep dramatic withdrawal.
I suppose I was equating sex with love and quality time.
The ex traveled ALL THE TIME so quality time was very important to me. Perhaps it is my primary love language?
Oh yes, I get this. It’s the same reason that I may be unsettled and worry and wonder about life, money, work, school, my son, my future, etc., when I’m not with someone, but when I’m spending good quality time with someone — be it my mother, Pumpkinhead, or a boyfriend, my mind suddenly clears and I feel settled and happy. I definitely think Quality Time is my primary love language.
That said, Physical Touch is probably my secondary and it ties right in with Quality Time. As T said above, “If there was a rare instance that we didn’t have sex, I would go into a deep dramatic withdrawal.” Except the part about rare instance (it was frequent and problematic), this was a major issue with Blue Eyes. And I felt it with others. When I was younger and in a long-term dating relationship. I knew the man I’d been seeing for 18 months was cheating on me because he started acting distant, turning down sex/not asking for it where before he’d been so eager. And it made me feel sooooo horrible, depressed, down on myself and generally crappy. Even before I knew the reality.
Of course Chapin was a total dog when it came to sex. Wanted it all the time, even at really horrible times like right after the birth of our child… (Mr. V told me a story tonight and called his friend an “idiot” for consenting to give her husband a BJ after she’d just given birth. While I get his POV, I can also soooooo relate to her. She probably realized it was easier to give in that to deal with her husband’s pouting, bitching or general payback).
Like T, I rarely instigated sex in my marriage. Rarely had to because he was always ready to go. Which is why now, dating really great guys like Mr. V who I connect with on every level and really adore, I feel almost obsessed and then horribly down in the dumps if things don’t go “as planned” sex-wise. And I hate, hate, hate to ask for it. But I will because I think I’m worth it and I also think you can’t get what you don’t ask for. But when I get turned down, I take it personally. 
The reality is that I can probably live with sex once or twice a week for the rest of my life. But it’s not the act itself so much as the desire of the other person towards me that I need. That said, I always felt like Chapin was forcing me to have sex and I resented the hell out of him. I definitely don’t want to be resented by anyone.
So tell me this: Have you dated or been married to someone with a different sex drive? Were you able to get into a rhythm (no pun intended) and work things out or did it ruin the relationship? Was the awesomeness of the person as a whole enough to get past the sexual incompatability? If you worked it out, what did you do (compromise? Talk it out? Therapy? Porn? Scheduled Sex?) to make it work for both of you? I appreciate any and all feedback (and, of course, I will take this one to my therapist, too. I really shouldn’t want to cry my eyes out every time someone says “Not in the mood tonight, but thanks anyway.” Sigh… Yep, broken girl.)
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Yeah, wasn’t expecting to hear that…. Now it wasn’t all bad. It did talk about the loopholes for divorce (abuse, infidelity, etc.), but said that ultimately God would prefer that you help the person get religious counseling and “recover” and then remarry or reconcile. Um, I’m thinking no. And, along those lines, I’m agreeing with these articles that this is yet another example of humans putting their spin on what they think God would want. Sure, I suppose I am, too. But ultimately, as I said, it is between me and Him/Her and no one else.
That should be fun for them both. Actually, my Dad is kind of weird. He probably won’t say anything negative to Chapin. Anyway, Pumpkinhead and I are going to our DivorceCare groups and then I’m going to drop him at my parents’ church with the truck and drive home with my mother. My Dad will pick up Chapin and drive he and Pumpkinhead to Chapin’s hotel. Either my mother or I will need to pick up my Dad from the hotel and then Chapin and Pumpkinhead will spend the afternoon together. Chapin will drop Pumpkinhead at the house at 7:30 for bedtime.
LMAO. Next weekend I’m going to drop his truck off at the airport with his mail, copy of the divorce papers, visitation calendar, directions/contact info for Pumpkinhead’s school/aftercare, a key to the storage unit and a map to the motel where he has reservations. Then he can call us when he is settled in and I’ll take Pumpkinhead over there to visit him. That was Blue Eyes’ great idea because I was feeling a LOT of stress about having to go to the airport to meet him. Hadn’t even considered the truck dropoff idea. Takes that control back. Thank goodness.
