PT-LawMom

1 Who was your best friend?
We moved twice during high school. I would probably say Lance, Chris and then Ashante.

2 What sports did you play?
ROFL. Seriously. Ha, ha.

3 What kind of car did you drive?
I didn’t learn to drive until I was 19, at which point my first car was a white Dodge Spirit.

4 It’s Friday night, where were you?
Babysitting or at home reading.

5 Were you a party animal?
In my senior year of high school, I did go a bit wild.

6 Were you considered a flirt?
I liked to flirt and I flirted but I don’t think that the population at large would have called me a flirt, no.

7 Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Choir all the way. School choir and church choir.

8 Were you a nerd?
Yep, but the newspaper editor type, not the science type. I hung out with people I thought were fun but not an identified group of major nerds. Actually most of my high school friends were GLBT and those who weren’t apparently are now….

9 Did you get suspended/expelled?
Of course not!

10 Can you sing the fight song?
It’s called “Hail to the Falcons” but I can’t remember all of the words.

11 Who was your favorite teacher?
I had some fantastic teachers. My favorite was my 10th grade social studies teacher. He really brought the subject to life for me like no one had before. I gave him a card at the end of the semester telling him how much I’d enjoyed the class and he was so touched, saying no one had ever told him that before. I couldn’t believe it because I know all my friends liked him. Sadly he died of a brain tumor two years later.

I also had a great AP English teacher. She had long hair and wore long, flowing skirts and dresses – a real hippy. She was brilliant and insightful and just made every class a joy.

12 School mascot?
Falcon at first school and then a tiger at the second.

13 Did you go to Prom?
Yes, in 10th grade with a junior and then in my junior and senior years. Wore a beautiful crushed velvet green halter dress in 10th grade and then a long, flowing green Jessica McClintock gown junior and senior years (different schools).

14 If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Nope.

15 What do you remember most about graduation?
I didn’t go. I actually never even picked up my diploma. I did graduate and have the transcripts to prove it but since I moved during my junior year, I didn’t feel tied to the new school. I was so bummed when I realized couldn’t go to the high school reunion of my first school.

16 Where were you on senior skip day?
Every day was skip day at the inner-city high school from which I ultimately graduated.

17 Did you have a job your senior year?
I worked at a restaurant as a hostess until I turned 18, at which point I was legally allowed to serve. I also ended classes early (December) with only one AP class independent study so I could work full-time at a publishing firm from January through August (in addition to nights as a server).

18 Where did you go most often for lunch?
We weren’t allowed to leave campus. The “van man” actually sat at the end of the drive to make sure we didn’t go anywhere. I ate in the cafeteria. In my second school, I would eat in an empty classroom.

22 Who was your Senior prom date?
My best gay friend, Jay.

23 Are you going / did you go to your 10 year reunion?
See above about moving mid-HS. Couldn’t do the school I somewhat liked and wouldn’t do the short-term one.

24 Who was your home room teacher?
I think we had a new one every semester or at least every year. I just don’t remember.

25 Who will repost this after you?
I’d love to tag a few people but I’ll just go with anyone who thinks a walk down high school memory lane might be fun.

I thought Alec Baldwin’s abusive voicemail was horrible and believe there is absolutely no excuse or reason for it. But Anonymous Lawyer’s spoof on it seriously cracked me up today. If you haven’t read his book, run, run, RUN and get a copy. I borrowed mine from the library and howled all the way through it!

I can’t recall the last time I laughed so hard I sent iced tea flying up and out my nose. After I read the following blog post by Wendi Aarons, it took me a good fifteen minutes to get the stains out of the carpet and change my clothes. Now I haven’t used a pad since I was in my early teens, unless you count those post-childbirth weeks. Actually, thanks to my trusty IUD and early Depo years, it’s been a heck of a long time since I’ve had that particular problem at all. But I would bet there isn’t a woman out there who couldn’t relate to this post:

An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Coreâ„¢ or Dri-Weaveâ„¢ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX