Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

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January 1st, 2010  Posted at   Divorce, Engagement
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Have I mentioned I adore Mr. V? He’s the best. Took me out to dinner last night for my birthday with his sister and brother-in-law (and Pumpkinhead) and got me my favorite Mexican soup because he knew I was feeling crappy. Then we came home and he put me to bed with a pain pill and proceeded to play Wii with Pumpkinhead and his BIL. He woke me up at 11:45 p.m. to ring in the New Year with my two favorite boys, put me back to bed at 12:05 and let me sleep in until 12:30. :D

Today we are going to CarMax. The consequences of Chapin not paying any of what he was awarded in the divorce are really impacting me (creditors putting me up to the default rate and dropping me down to my available credit and/or closing accounts). I thought that taking the Big Ass Truck and paying on it would save my credit. Wrong… So while we can we are purchasing a 2007 Mazda CX-7 Grand Touring ($400/mo. plus $400/6 mos insurance) and we are taking the Tundra back to the credit union tomorrow ($600/mo. and $750/6 mos insurance). Then we are going to start dealing with these creditors and trying to pay everything off so that Chapin’s bad choices will stop impacting me/us.

Monday is my performance review. So. Burned. Out. Will update afterwards to let you know how it goes but I am at the end of my badly, badly fraying rope.

September 21st, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Single Parents
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So men are really pissing me off today.

First it was my boss who kept insisting I invite a coworker who is in the middle of an international relocation/vacation to several meetings this week. I finally said, “Um, boss, not to be rude or out of line, but isn’t [coworker x] on vacation?” His response? “Well all of us are expected to check in on vacation.” Okay… Sure, for urgent matters. But for the technical training I can provide her with in a week when she’s back in the office? Um, no. Asshole.

Then Mr. V is totally on my bad side. He lost a huge client last week (1/4 of his annual revenue). In order to help out, I am taking on a second job. So I spent 1.5 hours on an orientation call this evening for this ethnography service (you follow people around a store and observe their shopping habits, offering gift cards in exchange for survey responses). Anyway, in the middle of the conference call my Dad called and asked if he could come stay the night. Am I the only one who thinks turning down a family member is akin to sacrilege? So of course I said sure. I thought he was on his way to the UAE Sunday but he ended up stating three more days and will fly out Wednesday night. Anyway, Mr. V was pissed. Said the house was a mess (I cleaned the living room/entry way/dining room last night and cleaned out the guest room/made the queen bed upstairs). Then when my Dad arrived, he stayed quiet and ignored him. Finally, when my Dad went to get a snack before bed, he let out the biggest sigh.

Excuse me? I live here. I pay part of the bills, too. My Dad is perfectly welcome to eat the food my money buys and sleep on my bed in our house. Grrr. WTF?!?! Seriously, do you think Mr. V would have told his family the timing was inconvenient and that they couldn’t spend the night? I understand that the last-minute nature of the request was rude but it is my Dad. And I love him. And he’s off to the Middle East for God knows how many years. Geez!! If he wants to open our fridge without asking, well, that’s how I was raised – mi casa es su casa. My parents brought strays and random church folks and hippies and crazy people over all the time. Heck, sometimes I even had to share a room. It was just how we were. If the man wants to be with me, he has to accept both me and my family, quirks and all.

Grrr….

May 10th, 2009  Posted at   Divorce, Family Stuff, Mommy stuff, Single Parents
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So I took Friday off work to clean up the house and get the rest of the boxes out of the attic. Despite promising to do so multiple times, my father had never completed the task. Eleven boxes, three scrapes and four bruises later, I had everything down the attic stairs, down to the first floor and out to the Big Ass Truck. Hauled it off to the storage unit for storage.

It was there that I had a problem. First, I realized that all those boxes were Pumpkinhead’s baby clothes. When I told Chapin he could have the clothes, I must have been on crack. Looking at the little hat that Pumpkinhead wore home from the hospital reduced me to tears and smelling his sweet baby smell on one of my favorite outfits made me crave to hold that little sweet baby boy again. So the boxes are tucked away in storage. If I don’t have my own babies again, I will sell or give the clothes away, but I know I cannot bear the idea of seeing one of Chapin’s future children wearing Pumpkinhead’s clothes.

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Baby outfit

So I went to the storage unit to search for the papers for my house. Not sure what the heck I was thinking when I put the papers in storage. Of course my Dad had the bright idea to put the heavy boxes all the way in the back and the couches, toys, train tables, and other items in front. So I arrived at the storage unit and had to kick of my shoes and crawl over piles of stuff to make my way to the back. Two hours and a good 30 boxes later, I finally found the house papers under a desk in the Very Last Box! Of course. :roll: And the evil storage unit people had the lights on a motion-detected timer so I had to do most of the searching in the dark. The motion sensor was all the way at the end of the hall and pointing in the opposite direction! What genius thought up that system? Grrr. Hey, but at least I have the papers. It was either find them or pay for a new survey.

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P.S. Big Ass Truck squashed a frog. Gross, but I totally had to share.

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May 5th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Family Stuff, Health
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Well today was a banner day!

1. Got an offer on my house that will actually let me walk away without owing any money. :mrgreen: Yes, I had a long-term lease offer but they weren’t willing to secure it with a non-refundable deposit so we kept showing it. And you know what? It’s been a year since our divorce. I don’t want to keep having ties to Chapin. And I don’t want to run the risk of something going wrong with the house and/or the tenants. So I’m getting out!

2. Came home to a very unexpected $1,200 check! :shock: Remember that Bad Service Provider from way back? Well she was the most evil dentist. Gave me two unnecessary and horribly performed root canals while arguing with her daughter in the room. Then wouldn’t answer my calls and pages when my cheek swelled to the size of a grapefruit. Told me I was being a baby and made me see an ENT ($200) to rule out nasal issues. Finally had to see a new dentist and an oral surgeon and pay them to redo all the work she had done. New dentist encouraged me to report her to the dental board. Turns out it wasn’t her first rodeo. Eighteen months later she got sanctioned for several patients and was ordered to make restitution. I thought she had reimbursed me back in late 2007 but I came home to a check today so I guess the restitution order was separate, Woo-hoo! Now I can pay my mortgage while I wait for the house sale to close!

3. Mr. V asked me if I would go away with him for the weekend in June. Love a man who takes charge and makes plans. Sweet!! :mrgreen: Not sure if it will work out but I love that he’s up for traveling and willing to pick up and go. Because he owns his own business and can do it from anywhere with an Internet connection, it makes life much easier. I really like that.

And now, a little Bruce Robison. This song has been playing on one of my Pandora stations and I love it. Usually the songs I post have some kind of message behind them. This one has no message. I just love this guy’s voice so much!! Adore his wife, but hadn’t really familiarized myself with his work. (Sorry, this is the only embeddable video I could find, darn it – the song is called Bad Girl Blues).

March 22nd, 2009  Posted at   Law School
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A few weeks ago, John Gray’s Mars/Venus blog was telling me to get out there and date because you can only figure out what you want/don’t want if you enjoy life and don’t take things so seriously. Today he says I have to move beyond negativity first. Yeah, I get it. Still, these on-point posts by my Twitter followers make me a little paranoid that God keeps trying to send me messages…

Imagine getting stuck in a whirlpool that is dragging you down. Inside this swirling current you see words like hurt, regret, fear, and shame rushing by you. The simple truth is that negative emotions feed on one another and the force of those emotions can bring you down into a black hole from which we ultimately need to either emerge of be submerged by them.

March 16th, 2009  Posted at   Blogging, Dating, Divorce, Mommy stuff, Single Parents
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Crazy week ahead. Tomorrow is set to be another busy day at work. Friday was a bit of a nightmare so I’m hoping Monday won’t repeat. Just checked my work e-mail and only had two from angry company executives following up on Friday’s work disaster. :mad:

Fortunately I have plans to go hang out with my good friend, Hope, and her daughters at their new house tomorrow night. She is recently divorced so we are in the same boat. My friend, Lance, has also invited me to stop by his house on the way home and see his new guitar so I may do that if I’m not too tired. I have to get up in the morning and visit the nutritionist at 8:30 to report on my progress (and get a new bottle of this nasty Cod Liver Oil – bleech!). Pumpkinhead also starts spring break which means he will have a fun day of games at his karate center. Now if I can just get myself unwound enough to sleep. The problem with drinking a beer with dinner is that it always makes it hard for me to fall asleep! It’s 12:30 a.m. and I have to be up in 6 hours to get going.

March 8th, 2009  Posted at   Divorce
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One step forward, two steps back. There’s a Big Ass Truck in my driveway. And my fully paid-off Honda CR-V is in Chapin’s possession. How did this happen, you ask? I blame my Dad….

Two weeks ago, when yet again I had to help make the payment because Chapin couldn’t do so, I told Chapin to bring it over that weekend so that we could take pictures and put it up for sale (the truck is in both of our names so my credit record is on the line). That’s when my Dad stuck his nose in and said he wanted to buy the truck. Hmm.. :neutral: I said, “well, I suppose so, but have you talked with Mom?” His response, “Not yet, but I will.” Fast forward to today after many discussions between Dad and Chapin and trips to the Credit Union, discussions with Toyota, etc., and my Dad and Chapin get together for some final stage negotiations. Dad was supposed to take possession of the truck so he could sell it and buy himself a Yaris and Chapin was going to get Dad’s Subaru in exchange for signing over rights to any money from the sale of our house. You guessed it. Mom knew nothing about it, completely flipped out, and it turned into a huge screaming match wherein she said that they can’t afford another vehicle (never mind the fact that, when he works, he makes six figures and she doesn’t work and the house is paid off.)

Conflict makes me sick to my stomach. I’m an avoider. I know it. I’m working on it. But today it really kicked me in the ass. I dragged Chapin outside and left my parents inside to argue (almost forgot Pumpkinhead because he was so quiet in the other room :shock: ). Chapin offered me $2k and all rights to the house proceeds in exchange for the CR-V. He will give me the Tundra and I will do my best to sell it. Problem is that we are waaayyyy upside down on it so I will have to keep paying off the balance on it, but hopefully I can find a cheap, small car to get around in. Crap. Bottom line is that I just went from no car payment to a $580/month truck payment until I can offload this behemoth! :evil: And I did it to myself.

On the plus side, I now have control over my credit being ruined. And I can choose to either rent out the house or sell low and take a loss on it. Either way, I have choices. Choices are good, I suppose. In the meantime, anyone want a Big Ass Truck?

March 7th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce
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I think God is trying to tell me something. I open up Bloglines this morning and one of the first Manslations posts in my reader is about dating as a single mom. A snippet:

LESSONS FROM COMEDY-ENJOY THE HELL GIGS

When you’re a comic, especially starting out, one thing is guaranteed. You are NOT going to be headlining any gigs that are going to resemble a Seinfeld concert anytime soon. No, no. You’ll be working in the crappiest, lousiest, most disheartening situations imaginable. It’s the worst. So, why do it?

1. EXPERIENCE: You can only get better by doing it. A lot. Even in a less than ideal situation.
2. REALITY: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets on Comedy Central by showing up there and refusing to play a lesser room. It might take a short time and it might take a long time. You don’t get to decide how much time. Your job is to get GOOD at it, not to get results. The good news is that nobody’s comedy story started out with, “And my first gig was an HBO special!” And nobody’s relationship story goes, “Well, I hadn’t had a date for three years, and then I met…HIM. And we were wed.” No. It’s just not how it goes.

You can read Jeff Mac’s full post on why you should get out there and have fun in the dating pool after divorce here.

I don’t know if this is for me. I’m still crying in my soup (and my car, and my tea and at my desk), but I think that’s Jeff’s point – get out and have fun. You don’t have to make a lifetime commitment so stop taking it so seriously!!! But I am definitely going to embrace the “Get out there!” message, starting with a new church for me and Pumpkinhead this Sunday where we can make new friends and get involved in our community. I’m also doing some volunteer work next weekend. I need to do things for me and for my son and make friends and see where it goes from there.

March 6th, 2009  Posted at   Dating, Divorce, Single Parents
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John Gray thinks I should go out on more casual dates. I actually hear that a lot. And now that @MarsVenus is following dysfunctional me on Twitter (I’m flattered!), I suppose perhaps I should take the advice, loosen up, and go out on the occasional casual date without the expectation of lifelong commitment. Or at least read Gray’s book, Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, to see what he says about it finding love after divorce. I just have to start trusting the martians…

P.S. He also cautions against too much sex. The horror! ;)

To free yourself from the long list of expectations that most divorced women carry around with them in their minds and hearts, it’s important to temporarily throw that list away and see what possible male friends are out there. One way to do accomplish this is to date several men in a very close span of time. Have a dinner date on a Saturday night with one man, and have a movie date on a Sunday afternoon with another man. It’s equally important to remember that when you keep physical intimacy out of the equation it’s far less likely that you will find yourself once again getting too involved too early or bearing the pain of a newly wounded heart.
You don’t want to be heavily invested in any one relationship, and sexual activity deepens the investment you have, whether you think that to be the case or not. However having platonic dates with many men over a short span of time makes you (1) feel popular and desired and (2) keeps your emotions more resilient to the ups and downs that occur in most starting relationships.

March 2nd, 2009  Posted at   Divorce, Mommy stuff
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This week, a good seven months after moving out of the house Chapin and I shared together and into my parents’ poolroom, I finally went through the boxes I had yet to unpack and rummaged through my storage unit to see if I could find some missing items. I cleaned up, pared down, put stuff up for sale and generally made good progress in moving on. I also enlisted Chapin’s help. He wasn’t around 7 months ago so he sure as hell could help my Dad not throw his back out moving things to a much less expensive unit this weekend. Dad and I went through the unit yesterday and he and Chapin moved items from one unit to another today, with Chapin taking some of the household items and baby stuff (gag) that I really don’t need to hang onto.

I’ve realized that it is unlikely that I will move out anytime soon and that if I do move out sometime in the next few years, it will only be because I have met someone I want to marry. In that case, since we would both be fairly old, my assumption is that that person would have at least the basics. So why the hell do I want to hold onto all the things I accumulated with Chapin and pay to store them? That’s just silly. Besides, my mother has more than enough to share. And the reality is that my Dad is freaking nuts and my mother’s health isn’t great. Unless I get married, I’m stuck here. :roll: Most importantly, my kid loves his grandparents and it takes a village, or so I’m told…

Anyway, I got a lot done. Moved out some furniture I wasn’t using. Created a cozy corner at the end of my bed with an armchair, bookshelf and footrest where I can watch TV or work on my laptop. Moved my china cabinet out of storage and into my room, It takes up much less space than I expected and looks beautiful. Plus it allows me to display some of the china I received from my grandmother and enjoy looking at it.

The hardest part of this weekend, and one of the reasons I had avoided it for so long, was going through all of the photos and cards from the last 8 years of my marriage. I’m a pack rat. I keep everything. Chapin would give me cards on every occasion and, because he couldn’t really understand what the card said unless he bought one in Spanish, he would usually buy an English one that wasn’t always exactly on topic and then write something sweet in Spanish inside. Looking back I realize that he pretty much wrote the same thing every single time, “You’re the most beautiful, wonderful woman I’ve ever met. You are the best mother and the best wife and I love you very much.” :neutral: But it meant a lot to hear it. This weekend as I was going through all of the items I’d thrown in a box back in the summer as I was packing, I tried to decide what to keep and what to toss. Ultimately I decided to keep a small selection of my cards to him and his cards to me along with our wedding album. I put them in a box and put them back in storage and will give them to Pumpkinhead when he is older so that he can know that he was born in love (although I guess I’ll wait until he’s old enough to understand why sometimes love isn’t enough). We also have tons (and I mean TONS) of photos from vacations and just from Pumpkinhead’s childhood years that I need to get into an album. I keep moving them from house to house and should really actually do something with them.

Bottom line, this was a productive weekend. I’m feeling happy with all that I’ve accomplished, except that I got far less work done than I had hoped and it is already 11:15 p.m. Crap. 8:15 doctor’s appointment in the morning and insanely busy day ahead!

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