PT-LawMom

So this week I’ve been seeing a really nice guy who lives close by and works at a hospital in the cardiac center. He’s a sweetie-pie. Tomorrow he is taking me to a pool party (on his motorcycle - hubba, hubba) which should be fun. I also was supposed to have drinks with a middle school teacher tonight after work but I ended up having to take Pumpkinhead to work after my Dad got sick and couldn’t watch him at the last minute. So the teacher wants to try to get together another time this weekend. We’ll see… I actually kind of like the medical guy and he could be fun to spend time with for a while. But, after my first post-divorce “dating” experience (Hi Josh), I’m not cutting off any avenues anymore unless I’m certain that I am interested in seriously pursuing something.

This week I read “Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates and Other Dispatches From the Dating World.” It was very good - highly recommended. Funny, honest, painful. And I accidentally bought two. So if you think you would like a copy, please leave a comment on my blog about your worst/funniest dating experience.

BTW, Pumpkinhead did awesome at work. He sat calmly on the floor with a pillow and blanket watching Elmo, Between the Lions and Curious George. Then, after lunch out, he played with a new toy we bought at the local educational toy store and wrote a “book” about tea time. LOL. I was so proud!

Okay, John Edwards, WTF?!? Are all men dogs? Very disappointing.

In other admissions, Chapin FINALLY called tonight (first time since the other night). Thank goodness because Pumpkinhead has woken up crying at least twice a night for the past three nights. Where at first he had used his mother as an excuse, he is now being honest. He had called me when I was out to dinner with one of my dates. I don’t lie as a general rule when asked a direct question so I told him I was out to dinner. I didn’t rub it in his face and of course I didn’t tell him about the Slutty McSlutSlut part, but when he asked if I was out with a man, I admitted it (saying it was just dinner, nothing else). Anyway, tonight he told me that when he heard that, he realized he was not ready to return to the US. He said he felt devastated and angry and thinks he owes it to me to return in a healthier emotional state (i.e., not ready to kill me or any man who takes me out - yes, he used the word “kill”…). Alrighty then…. But I made it clear to him that he is devastating his child and that he needs to call daily to make up for that. Of course I haven’t told Pumpkinhead that Chapin’s staying down there indefinitely. Just that Daddy needs to help his Mommy and Daddy for a few more weeks. We’ll see what to do after that.

P.S. No, I didn’t mention the truck. I’m going to pay this month and then see what happens from there. I know, I know… But he sounded so sad. Hard to sever emotional ties so quickly.

There really isn’t one. But I see you all checking in and wondering so I figured I should say something. Will I sell the Big Ass Truck? Perhaps. My Mom said to give him a week and then call him to say that I don’t have the $589 for the damn truck payment and that I’m putting it on eBay. LOL. Might do. In the meantime, I called my former SIL and she says her Mom is fine. Also called the airline and Chapin has a year from the date of purchase to use the ticket. Yeah, I know, should have made him call. I texted him the local number. At around midnight last night he called to say that he couldn’t get through. Frick. I’m not lending him money for another ticket home so I just called to make sure we didn’t have to call.

Good sign, though. The certified divorce papers came today so I guess I can get started on all the name change, contract separating stuff. Starting with the credit union truck loan…

Huh. Well my therapist says I’m a classic codependent. Never heard that before (wasn’t actually sure what it meant). Controlling/bossy? Check. Seeking out needy people? Check. Physical illness related to stress? Double check. I like the Wikipedia note that some people don’t actually think codependency is a bad thing - just a healthy personality trait taken to excess. That said, the point is that you can’t control things (you can’t!?!?) and you have to learn to make sure your own needs are met. I look forward to figuring out exactly how one does that, starting next week at my next visit.

Definition:
By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves, codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem, codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others. One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work. It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior, they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when they shouldn’t, and don’t get angry when they should. They have little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea about how they feel. Usually, they don’t want to know because it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal with the stuff going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do not meet their own needs! They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp) no warm body (um, yeah, let’s not even talk about where I was for two hours in the middle of the night last night doing what and with whom… UGH). Being alone is perceived as scary, empty, depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent individual is likely to rationalize a loved one’s disrespectful
behavior by making excuses for them. “He doesn’t mean it.” “It was not done with malice.” “It is the best he can do.” “She had such an awful childhood.” Etc., etc., etc.

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts (”Ouchhh!”), and creates or maintains depression and low self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral.

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

Chapin called tonight. He is NOT coming back from out of the country. He says he will come back eventually but not right now and, oh, btw, will I continue to make his car payment and call to cancel his flight? WTF?!? I am so pissed. So much for child support. And, yes, I have to pay the f*&*(n car payment because the car is in both of our names still. ARGH!!! But I did text him the number for his airline in the country he is in and told him to call it his damn self! He says that his mother is ill but I am 90% certain that he is full of crap, in part because of his tone and in part because my ex-SIL refuses to answer her phone. This is bullshit. He’d better get back here and help to raise his child. Damn, damn, damn. Of course Pumpkinhead is really sad now that he won’t get to go to the airport to pick up Daddy.

So my boss approved my taking a day class next semester. This is wonderful news because it means I can load two single-night classes on one day, starting in the afternoon and home by 10 and then only be out two other weeknights until around 8. Yippee. :p I am so happy to have found a more flexible job with a supportive employer.

I am now convinced that there is a reason many men my age aren’t married yet. Could it be because they are spineless wimps? I was listening to a radio segment this morning where women called in to talk about guys who just up and left without another word. Some of them did it after 6-8 months!! So one of the women who called in had the hosts contact her ex of 6 months to find out why, a month ago, he just stopped calling her. He was like, “Are you sure you want to do this on the air?” She said yes and he just laid into her, calling her super high maintenance, unpleasable and telling her she was really not worth the time (in bed). DAMN. WTF?!? He completely trashed her. Granted, she asked for honesty and sort of set herself up when she called the radio station. But he was cruel. What I don’t understand is why guys let these things fester and fester and then, instead of just being straight up, they run away.

Ironic that they had this segment this morning. So I had that nice dinner date Thursday night. The guy was sweet and I thought we had fun (although I wasn’t feeling a huge romantic connection). Anyway, he was like, “I’ll call you Sunday night when I get back from a trip out of town.” Um, not only has he not called, he also signs off of Gmail or Yahoo Messenger if I’m on. Geez. Grow a pair, buddy. I’m not a stalker and I also won’t have a hysterical fit if you just say, “Thanks but no thanks”. THIS is why I should just forget about dating. Although I did talk to a really cute teacher for about 45 minutes online last night. AND there’s a guy who lives 5 minutes away who wants to take me for a ride on his motorcycle and teach me how to shoot something. Hubba, hubba. Yeah, walking on the wild side.

P.S. Another site, to which I will not link, linked to me as an example of the kind of woman guys should hit on. I should be flattered, yes? Nooooo. The blogger was like [paraphrasing], “she’s a single mom and fat to boot so she’s definitely hard up.” Wow… That’ll teach me to blog honestly. LOL! Stupid men. Had a list of top 5 most “doable” women - single moms, large women, handicapped women, etc. Ick.

The Weekly MILP (Moms In the Legal Profession) Roundup** is the brainchild of Saramel (retired). It is hosted on a rotating basis at the PT-LawMom, A Little Fish in Law School, and A New Duck blogs and is usually posted no later than Monday morning. Next week’s MILP Roundup will be hosted by New Duck.

I’m going to steal from Butterflyfish and quote a line from each blog post that may intrigue you to read it.

So the wild, stray mama has gone back to being a wild stray - Legally Certifiable

But everyone spanked them, listening carefully, then lifted one into their cart and rolled away - Peanut Butter Burrito

Now there’s a depressing thought! - Knocked Up (and in Law School)

And then barf in the garbage can in front of an entire crowd of your new co-workers - New Duck

I don’t expect this tv show to provide the secrets of the universe, or even an acne cure, but I do want my old, familiar characters, challenging situations and witty banter, thank you very much. - Adventures of Law School Mama

And it became the bane of my existence. - Butterflyfish

Because let’s face it, when you’re bored and time is standing still, the only remedy is a donut, bag of chips or a candy bar. - Starting to Melt

I think I may have lost my faith in the entire judicial system - Angry Pregnant Lawyer

With three layers of chocolate cake, two layers of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and a layer of ultra thick cool whip, my world is looking pretty bright - Lag Liv

I think I will be the shortest person in both cities - The Menagerie

But then I got my coffee, and I said hey to a professor-friend in the cafe, and I forgot about the naked-lady - Zuska

At which point, the woman from the garden club, raised her hand to her head and fainted. Right in the courtroom - Googie Baba

I didn’t just hit the wall, I went crashing into it face first - Frequent Citations

Ladle me up some more green beans! - Law School Sucks

If you’d like to have your blog added to the MILP blogroll for weekly review or would like us to consider a specific post, drop the hostess(es) an email or leave a comment at their respective sites.

**Hat tip to the “original” Roundup — Evan Schaeffer’s Legal Underground and Divine Angst

The New York Times has a piece today about the increasingly common practice of repatriating immigrants, both documented and undocumented, who are critically ill and cannot afford ongoing medical care. While many states have victim assistance funds for people injured during a crime, such as the drunk driving accident that left the main subject of this article brain damaged and requiring lifelong medical care, the funds are limited and meant to cover limited hospital bills, not years of care in a nursing facility.

I’m not sure what to say about this practice. On the one hand, if I were a family member in the victim’s homeland, I would be happier to have them home with me. On the other hand, you’d hope that the governmental medical facilities in the people’s homeland would be better equipped to care for them. The medical care in rural Guatemala, especially if you don’t have the money for supplemental private care, is very basic and the facilities extremely crowded. This story is pretty heart-wrenching.

Googie Baba says that it looks like the divorce is suiting me fine (or something like that). I guess so. I think I’m just in denial about the fact that I need to process everything and, with Chapin out of the country until Wednesday, I haven’t had to face reality.

That said, I got a swift dose today when my uncle, cousin and father showed up to move all of my furniture out and into storage. The poolhouse looks awesome and is much bigger than I thought now that my stuff is in here. Thank goodness. Now I just have to continue moving my crap over here and packing up the little stuff left in cabinets at my house. See messy room pics below (doors to come on closet; can’t see bar but it’s great and just needs to be cleaned off):

Chapin called today and is PISSED that Pumpkinhead has to sleep in the house while I sleep out in the poolhouse. My parents are building a connecting walkway and bathroom, but it will take a month or so. I told Chapin that Pumpkinhead can sleep with me if necessary but the reality is that he has a nice room next to a full bathroom and my parents are right next door. I am maybe 30 feet away from his bedroom door. Geez.

Had a nice date (no sex) with a sweet guy on Thursday night. After dinner, the guy came back to my house for a tour, had a coffee with me and great conversation, and then left for his house while I went to get Pumpkinhead. Pumpkinhead tried out the local hourly childcare facility and had such a blast that he was begging me to go back more often. LOL! Yay for that.

Unfortunately Friday brought Pumpkinhead’s ear tubes/adenoid surgery and that turned into tonsil removal as well. He is pretty miserable but loving all the ice cream he can eat (when he can swallow it). Thank God for codeine and for my wonderful mother who is taking the week off to stay home for him. Doctor said no return to school for a week and no rough activities for 10 days. Ugh.