PT-LawMom

Sorry I haven’t been posting much. Pain, exams, the usual stuff. I have lots of fun and exciting things to post about Pumpkinhead, Mother’s Day, my new nanny , etc., but I’m in a ton of pain this week so it’ll have to wait.

The good news is that after months of weird side effects like calling my son’s head a hat or Jim, Joe or the table a piano (soooo impressive at work!), suffering from wild mood swings, breakthrough bleeding, and drinking gallons of water to ward off potential kidney stones from the Topamax, the neurologist has concluded that, indeed, I am too sensitive to this medication. He says that 100mg twice/day is a “child’s dose.” If that’s the case and I was practically manic at that dose, I’d hate to see what I’d look like at 200!

Anyway, I was concerned he’d put me on a TCA, which cause massive weight gain, but I’d forgotten about Cymbalta. It was one of the first medications I tried. My pain came back strong after 6 weeks on 30mg, but I didn’t want to go up to 60 because of the anti-Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow side effects (really, really ANTI). However, after almost a year of trying a bunch of other things, Chapin and I both agree that, as important as that is, I am NO FUN in pain and that needs to get resolved.

So… Doc told me to quit the Celexa cold turkey and start the Cymbalta. Taper the Topamax down over a week’s time. By this time next week, God willing, I should sound more like my old self. And, hopefully, some of my pain will be relieved. I also have an appointment tomorrow for accupuncture to see if that helps (thank you to those who suggested it). In addition, I’m considering a Myer’s Cocktail, but the first visit is $200 and each cocktail is $144!!! Could be very helpful, but !

P.S. I am still using the homeopathic remedies I mentioned, but at 1/2 capful per day, it is a sloooowwww process and, in the meantime, I’m hurting!

Called the neurologist today to discuss the fact that I can barely lift my arms to drive my car this week, much less lift my heavy textbook (that’s what I get for all the handwriting I’ve been doing in preparation for finals). He suggested raising the Topamax back to 100mg twice/day (i.e., crazy psychotic girl level). I said, “No thanks” and asked if he could recommend something topical to get me through exams because no way am I changing meds right now! Tried that last semester at exam time and look what happened. He said I could try Capsaicin cream (burns like you wouldn’t believe!), but that I should come in to see him ASAP to talk about alternative medications.

Right now I’m on Topamax for the pain (not working) and Celexa and Buspar for the depression and anxiety that the Topamax cause. Meds for the meds - yippee. Sound crazy, but I was literally weeping in my car and in front of Pumpkinhead so I had to get on something. So my current choices are the following:

1) Increase Topamax dosage and potentially lose my mind (I really went psycho/nuts at 100mg - ask anyone who knows me). Not to mention that I’m already sounding stupid/confused enough from this stuff (orally, not in writing, because it affects the speech part of my brain). I’m not sure how much more my ego can take! On the plus side, Topamax does cause weight loss which is a nice side effect. Also causes kidney stones…

2) Come off the Topamax and the Celexa/Buspar and switch to a Tri-Cyclic Antidepressant (all of which are apparently great for neuropathic pain but cause SEVERE WEIGHT GAIN — wouldn’t that be an ironic twist?!?!)

3) Go back to the Neurontin I was on in the fall, which requires me to take several horse pills three times each day. It also causes confusion and weight gain.

Yep, brought this on myself. Now what do I do? Bleech. Send some cooling arm vibes my way, will you? At least for this week so I can get through my exam? (P.S. I did try the cream, but it requires application four times a day for a week before it deadens the nerves sufficiently to get full relief. I’ll keep going but in the meantime it just feels like someone sliced my arm and rubbed the cut with Habanero slices.)

Even the Insured Feel the Strain of Health Costs
By REED ABELSON and MILT FREUDENHEIM
Published: May 4, 2008
For millions of people with employer health insurance, premiums and co-payments have increased quickly while coverage has become less extensive.

I’ve talked about this before and discussed, debated, screamed and shouted about the need for universal healthcare (or at least some other way to share the burden). People shouldn’t have to choose between working for a small company/nonprofit or going to a larger company that has better benefits. These days the larger corporate giants are the only ones who can afford to spread the risk among their employees so if you have any kinds of medical risks, you MUST go there or suffer the consequences. Even then, you are paying more than ever before. And God forbid you actually get sick and have to take time off…

And the line in this story about not taking the kid to the doctor because his fever is only 102? I think a lot of parents with busy jobs are really feeling that pressure. Especially with doctors’ hours only between 8:30 - 5. I’m just thankful for those new clinics inside the CVS! And we even changed pediatricians so that we had the option of a Saturday morning clinic until noon for urgent appointments. That’s not to say that Pumpkinhead’s health isn’t my #1 concern. If he’s sick, I take him. But if it’s just yet another ear infection, why can’t the doctor have one late night that they stay open until 8? How hard would that be? Maybe they then open at 11 the next day or something to make up the time? Not everyone stays home and employers are making it harder and harder to get away for these things.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I had a roux-en-y gastric bypass in 2001 and am now suffering the often unadvertised consequences (severe malnutrition [iron, B12, D, calcium, serum protein], peripheral neuropathy, etc.), along with nasty neurological side effects from the medication they are using to try to treat the neuropathy (which makes law school so much easier, I tell you!)

Fortunately this week everyone is writing my blog posts for me. MeltingMama, another young mother who had the same surgery four years ago and who is suffering similar malnutrition issues (except she also has hypoglycemia) has posted a really well-done post on why she would NOT have a roux-en-y gastric bypass again. I encourage those of you who read my blog to hear about the WLS stuff to view her whole post here. For those of you who just want to hear her story, view this:

My story is the same, complete with iron infusions, B12 shots, etc., except that I was 21 when I had the surgery and I had it because I grew up with a morbidly obese mother who couldn’t play with us much. I wanted to have healthy pregnancies and be able to run around with my kid. 100+ lbs down, I can do that somewhat. But when the neuropathic pain brings me to my knees, I typically just want to lay in bed with my law books and not do anything with my arms or legs. When I had the surgery, the doctor talked for maybe 2 minutes about vitamins and then moved on. He basically said, “Take a multivitamin and calcium and you’ll be fine.” I did. I wasn’t.

I agree with MeltingMama completely. I would not recommend Roux-en-Y to any healthy, vital, person. If the LapBand had been widely available in 2001, I would have done that. (Caveat: I do believe there is something age-related here. My mother, aunt, and I have all had Roux-en-Y and my mother and aunt aren’t having these problems. My mother had it a year before and my aunt had it two years later. I don’t know why they aren’t facing these issues, but I think there could be an age and/or hormone link since MeltingMama and I are both young women.)

Hopefully this info is helpful to someone out there.

WARNING: This is another one of my depressing health-related posts. Don’t read it if you’re sick of hearing me whine.

I am now going to do something completely against my nature and try a homeopathic treatment that my therapist has recommended. Basically it’s distilled water with “frequencies” injected in that work against the bad stuff your body’s aura shows are out of balance. But the stuff that my aura gave off without her even knowing about it is very telling and interesting and I suppose it’s worth a shot. At least it’s something that won’t take time (whereas accupuncture appointments or other things would). And it’s not too expensive.

The rational side of me says this is completely nutso. But I’ve read up on this and a lot of people seem to think that this “healing” comes to the healers through God so the faithful part of me wants to believe that if this therapist has been put in my life to suggest this to me, perhaps I should be open to trying it. Have any of you ever tried this? I really do want to have more children sometime in the future and I really want to get off these yucky meds. The past 9 months of pain from the micronutrient-deficiency-related neuropathy has really gotten to me. The pain is just not going away, even with the latest increase in Topamax dosage a few weeks back, and I’ve been trying all weekend to get my brain to concentrate on this appellate brief I’m trying to finish and I just can’t wrap my head around it. This has to stop, so I’m desperate. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome, from the WLS community or others.

Work continues to go very well. Lots of projects heating up and my business cards are on their way - yippee!!!

School is getting crazy busy as well. My new commute is actually faster even though I’m further away, which is just nuts. So far, so good. I’ve been very busy the past two weeks working on a large paper for one of my classes. I also need to get moving on practice tests for my other class so I have a shot at passing my main substantive class.

I did take time out last night for a rousing game of Chutes and Ladders with Pumpkinhead. Fortunately the ladder at #81 shot him to the top and he beat me in no time!

On a low note, my pain has not resolved with the additional medication. But I did hear back from my PCP and she said that she thinks she knows why. For those RNY readers who care about these detailed health updates, my Ferritin (serum iron) level has dropped from 8 last August to 4 now. My B12 is also in the basement despite weekly shots. Last time the Ferritin was that low, I had to undergo 10 weeks of IV iron infusions at the local cancer center. This time I really can’t afford to take time off work, plus my health insurance ends on Tuesday. Soooo…. Looks like we’re going to try upping the Ferrous Gluconate pill to twice daily with 1,000mg of chewable Vitamin C for a month until my health insurance kicks in May 1. I’m also going to try to add in a sublingual B12 and switch to twice-weekly B12 shots. Bleech. On the plus side, my Vitamin D levels have come up with the addition of the Dry D3.

As much pain as I’m in, I have kept to my resolve not to let anyone at work know. Thank God for an office with a door I can close and a boss who works on another floor! Fortunately I’m doing a lot of reading and reviewing documents right now (not a lot of writing) and I am also not having to run around much because my legs are killing me. I’m also working on meditation and “staying in the now”, as my psychologist says, so that I can stay positive and not dwell on the pain and feel like it will never go away or will keep returning (like it has every 6-8 weeks for the past 9 months). I am also considering seeing a naturopath and trying some different treatments.

Okay, off to study. We’re going to the zoo this afternoon. Chapin took the day off to hang out with us and have some family time so I told him I would spend a few hours on concentrated studying this morning and then we’d have a family day. Yay.

After starting my new job this week, this is how my heart feels. The position (so far) is better than I could have imagined. The people are friendly (but not in an intrusive way). I’ve managed to present myself well and do a good job so far. I’ve also managed to overcome the arm pain hurdle and get permission to use a laptop in meetings, citing a preference to get the info down in the most rapid method possible (versus using a medical condition as the reason) and my boss went for it. He’s really behind all my ideas and I’m excited about the road ahead. Plus you should see my amazingly large office!!! That’s about all I can say about work, but there are so many reasons why it appears to be a great fit for me now and in the future. I think I’ve made the right choice and I am soooooo pleased. Yay!

Medically, my pain started to come back last week. Boo hiss. I was hoping it was just stress-related, but it kept getting worse so I finally called my neurologist on Wednesday and fessed up. He upped the Topamax to 75mg twice a day (from 50mg), which isn’t the 100mg I was on before that was causing all the problems, but it is a 1/2 step away. I’m cautiously optimistic that the side effects won’t be too bad but I also know I can’t function well with the pain and it just kept getting worse. I’m hoping that I can keep my head low and that no one will notice anything at work. I’m working on listening a lot and hoping they will just take it as a sign that I’m trying to learn. I’m also writing down questions before meetings so that I have a list to read from (to avoid the aphasia issue). That helps.

In the meantime, I have TONS of homework and I have been exhausted this week so I haven’t been blogging or e-mailing. Right now I’m off to work on my homework. I’ll try to get to the Roundup tomorrow morning.

Only two more days until I am out with the old and in with the new. Wonder if I should wear the red shoes for the last day or if that would be rubbing it in too much? It hasn’t been pleasant around work the past week or so but I have been very busy finishing up tasks and trying to leave lists and organized files for the next person. My predecessor left me nothing but stacks of junk so I’m hoping to at least leave a little more direction for the person who succeeds me.

I plan to sleep in Thursday morning and then I have to go see my doctor for a follow-up on all the meds she put me on to control the non-stop crying and anxiety. She had to prescribe based on a phone consultation since, after two weeks of harassment following my meeting with HR, I was specifically threatened in regards to taking time off for doctor’s appts. Then I have a hair appointment (color and cut) followed by an afternoon of anything I want to do. Probably reading and studying or possibly cleaning up my messy home office (again!)

Then on Friday I am driving my mother to a day spa for the weekend before I start my new job. We’re going out of town to get pampered and she promises I can hole up in the room and study as much or as little as I want. Yay. I’m also glad to have some alone time with her. It’s rare these days to have that with Pumpkinhead constantly vying for her attention. Sometimes you just need some Mommy time, KWIM?

Roughly three weeks ago, I asked for HR intervention in a work situation that was heaping more stress on my life than I had the capacity to handle. It made it much worse. But, even though I was incredibly depressed by the way things were going, I decided that my life has been spinning out of control for way too many months now and it was time to reclaim control. So I did.

1. Found excellent new job — more responsibilities (paralegal), exciting area of law, more flexibility, little sal. bump, no billable hours!, new position (i.e., not filling anyone’s shoes)
2. Lost 15lbs since January with help of nutritionist/stress/Topamax’s hunger-killing side effects
3. Switched all of my vitamins to super-absorbable (expensive!) formulas so that I can see if I start to treat the underlying problem.
4. Got on some additional meds to deal with the side effects of the meds/intense stress I’ve been under with family/work/health issues… Yes, I know that makes no sense and, believe me, I resisted, but when you are crying 24/7 and anxious/irritable all the time, something has got to give. I decided it was time when I couldn’t stop crying as I was getting Pumpkinhead dressed for school. That’s also the day I really ramped up my job search!
5. Read skirt! Rules for the Workplace: An Irreverent Guide to Advancing Your Career. I would definitely recommend this book (in fact, I think someone else may have recommended it as one of our book club selections and I think it’s a good idea. LOTS of great tips!)
6. Read Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work. Again, a very helpful read to help me gain some perspective.
7. Gave notice at work, with two days built in as time off for myself (and to work on schoolwork!) before starting the new job, and planned a girls weekend away with my Mom before I start the new job.
8. Bought FIVE pairs of new shoes. I don’t do that. I have a weird shoe size and am not a shoe person. But the shoe guy brought out a bunch of Munro shoes, which are so comfy and always fit perfectly. I boughtJuliet in chocolate brown and navy, Lauren in Black Kid, Isabel in Black Kid and these.

So I guess you can say I’m feeling much more on top of my game today and ready to move forward.

Part of growing up and working in the real world is learning who you can trust (probably very few) and what you should disclose (probably very little). Lisa Belkin has a very eye-opening, honest and sad article on this in the New York Times and it’s a good reminder to people as they head out into the work world.

In my case, I find it hard to reconcile the way I was raised — to be honest, forthright and direct — with what seems to me to be lying. It twists my gut and makes me feel dirty to tell a half-truth about why I have to take time off work. And when I am vague and return to work and someone asks me a direct question about where I was, I seem incapable of lying. My friend said, “Just tell them it’s none of your business.” But you see, I wasn’t raised that way. My parents taught me to see the good in people and have an open, welcoming heart. Ever seen those “The Episcopal Church Welcomes You” bumper stickers? My parents, having spent many years working for the church in England, live by that. Can’t tell you how many stray, random people have stayed at my house or come over for dinner over the years and they do it at their jobs as well. But I’m learning, and maybe it’s just in the legal field, that this friendly, bared, open attitude just leaves me vulnerable and exposed rather than engendering favor with anyone. You don’t realize it until things blow up in your face and you have to learn the hard way but there you go. Bottom line, Ms. Belkin’s article is dead on.