PT-LawMom

This semi-fake meme from Mommy Tracks cracked me up. My sides in the battle are picked in italics below.

The Mommy War Meme

Part 1. C-Sections and Elective Induction

A) Control freak psycho - You’re willing to risk your life, the life of your child, and probably the life of your third-cousin-once-removed just so you can plan the birth of your children around the schedule for Oprah.
OR
B) Laid back pregnant martyr – This is simply the first in a lifelong series of selfless sacrifices you will make for the apple of your eye. Even if the kid wants to take up residence in your womb until he reaches Heavy Weight Boxing Championship proportions you should never, EVER interfere with nature.

2. Pain Relievers During Labor

A) Epidural-addicted weenie - You are again risking the life of your beloved, this time with your desperately selfish need for relief. You are proving early and unequivocally that since you don’t have the physical stamina to ‘breathe’ your way through 50 hours of squeezing a nine pound human out your vagina, you will be a complete and total failure as a mother.
OR
B) Drug free and proud - Well, damn you, aren’t you just drug free and proud. VERY, VERY, VERY PROUD.

3. The appropriate place for birthing

A) Paranoid Hypochondriac – Apparently you don’t appreciate that birth has been happening since the beginning of time without assistance. You’ll be attached to wires at the hospital, confined to your bed like a prisoner.
OR
B) Housebound Hippy – So convinced you are in the power of nature that you’ll risk your child’s life by birthing at home in the tub while combing your underarm hair.

4. Circumcision or No

A) Evil Personified - You sliced away at that poor little boy’s penis you evil, inhumane witch of a woman.
OR
B) Evil Personified – Despite your husband’s protests, you chose not to snip, but you’re ready to send out for a mail order bride and pay for therapy when the many years of locker room taunting finally push him into a deep depression all.because.of.you

5. Breastmilk or Formula

A) Cold Rubber Nipple- You fed your baby formula out of a plastic bottle with a cold rubber nipple, and now, not only is an Ivy League scholarship totally out of the question, your child will never be able to connect emotionally with anyone. He’ll be an emotionally cold rubber nipple of a person – just like you.
OR
B) Warm Mommy’s Milk - Your belief that breast is best carries you through undaunted. Your baby will ween himself when he’s ready to give it up. So what if you have to interrupt recess so the kid can have a nip. Sleepovers, no problem, you can pump and send it along in his Superman Thermos. Your child will never leave your side, but life should be interesting for you when you’re taking classes at Harvard.

Can I be in the “c” camp? For medical reasons, I had to do both, but I pumped and successfully did both for about 6 months until I switched to formula only.

6. Breastfeeding in Public

A) Repressed Conservative Matriarch - You’ll starve your baby before enduring the shame of baring the slightest of nipple ever-so-briefly during dinner at TGIFriday’s
OR
B) Nurse-In Lactivist – You pretend to care about feeding your hungry newborn, but actually you just thrive on flopping your boob out so you can make repressed conservative men squirm during dinner at TGIFridays.

7. Working or Staying Home

A) Materialistic Shrew- Hiring someone else to raise the children you never should have had so you can return to work just to eat fancy, expensive lunches and buy those cute Jimmy Choos
OR
B) Domestic Goddess - Singlehandedly responsible for the reversal of decades worth of feminist advancement because you stay home, watch soaps and eat bon bons all day while that degree you never should have bothered to get gathers dust in the bottom drawer.

8. Cocktail Playdates

A) Drunk- Obviously you’re a lush, stuck in college and downing tequila poppers on the playground
OR
B) Humorless – Not only don’t you ever indulge in the devil’s drink you really believe beer labels should simply read “Women who are [or have ever been] pregnant should never drink alcohol… again – EVIR.”

9. Television

A) Pro-TV - Raising the next generation of mass murdering psychopaths
OR
B) Anti TV - Raising the next generation of Scripps Howard Spelling Bee Winners.

Um, I could have told you this:

It’s been a crappy day. I overslept (that’s twice this week and this rarely happens to me) and my coworker has been in a pissy ass mood today. Grrr. That has not improved my pissy ass mood and I can’t stop thinking about my friend having to bury her child today. So I’m going to take a few minutes of my lunch hour to do a fun little meme to cheer me up.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Pumpkinhead always makes me laugh.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Turning onto the highway from my neighborhood. Soooooo late!
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Getting bitched out by my coworker for making her miss her lunch (i.e., choose to be a martyr) because I was stuck in my boss’s office taking dictation for 20 minutes.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Worked a lot, took one vacation (Chicago) and applied to/got accepted into law school.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? No, I won’t type your tabs using a typewriter just because you like that old-fashioned font. It’s 2007.
6. How many beverages did you have today? Six so far. Two cups of coffee, two glasses of water, a low sodium V-8 and a sugar-free hot chocolate.
7. What color is your hairbrush? Silver
8. What was the last thing you paid for? A latte and yogurt at Starbucks last night on the way to class
9. Where were you last night? In class, like most nights.
10. What color is your front door? Red
11. Where do you keep your change? In my purse. Chapin has a big cookie tin he throws his in
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny and windy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? My all-time favorite was Ben & Jerry’s Bovinity Divinity (chocolate ice cream with milk chocolate and white chocolate cows). I don’t really eat ice cream these days cause it makes me sick, but if I did I’d probably go Choc/PB or Choc Fudge. See a trend?
14. What excites you? A good book, an accomplishment by me or one of my family members, finding my favorite chocolate on sale
15. Do you want to cut your hair? I hate hair maintenance. I probably cut my hair four times each year
16. Are you over the age of 25? Yep
17. Do you talk a lot? Oh yes! Fast too.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Huh?
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Actually no.
20. Do you make up your own words? I always think I do and then I find out that someone else says it so I wonder where I must have heard it.
21. Are you a jealous person? Sometimes. My husband has a real problem with this so I try not to be but you sometimes find yourself matching the person you’re with.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Ashante
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Kakki
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Chapin
25. What does the last text message you received say? “I’ll be there!” (in response to my “Are you picking up Pumpkinhead?” message to my cousin)
26. Do you chew on your straw? Nope
27. Do you have curly hair? Not currently, but I have in the past
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Class tonight
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? My brother (close second to my obnoxious coworker)
30. What was the last thing you ate? Currently eating a Boca Burger, salad and an orange for lunch
31. Will you get married in the future? Already done it
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Last good movie I saw was “Blood Diamond” but that was more like two months ago.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? My sweet husband
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? If loading the dishwasher counts, yesterday morning
35. Are you currently depressed? Nope (unless you count temporary depression over my friend losing her child)
36. Did you cry today? Yes
37. Why did you answer and post this? Looked like fun
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey. If you want to do it, go for it!

Have you ever read something that made you laugh so hard that you simultaneously peed a little and snorted your drink up into the nether-regions of your skull? Way late to the party, apparently, I have discovered the hilarious blog, “Oh the Joys.” Unfortunately (because I was reading it at work) the post I’m about to share is not her only post that sent me into convulsions.

If you are at all prudish, don’t click on THIS LINK. Actually, don’t read her blog if you can’t take a little sex talk mixed in with tales of babies and parenting.