PT-LawMom

DivorceCare this morning was all about how we can regain our “purity” and set boundaries with our prospective mates to please God. The video actually said something along the lines of “God thinks wild and fulfilling sex is awesome… when it is inside the marriage covenant.” Yes, I understand. And I also understand the idea that having sex with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries about sex or who treats you like an object is not going to help your self-esteem and foreshadows their inability to respect you on other issues. That’s the point, I believe. Date and marry Christian men who will respect your boundaries. Don’t act like a ho to validate yourself. Must have missed that part in Sunday school.

But I promise that I did not laugh when they said, “Oh, and masturbation is just not acceptable in the eyes of God. Pray for Him to fulfill your desires in other ways.” Okay… I might have snorted a bit. I did, however, fall out of my chair when the priest on the video discussed pornography and its special place in the Devil’s toolkit. Hey, I was raised by a pair of free-spirited hippie Christians. They are all about God’s Word… but in terms of bodies and sex and all that stuff, freedom and happiness (preferably, but not necessarily, with a husband) were their words. Thank God.

You should have heard the woman who had been married 30 years. She practically sputtered and said, “But what if you wait until marriage and then he is bad?!? I just cannot go through that again!” ROFL.

Blue Eyes came over around 12:30 a.m. Brought awesome pictures he had taken of various members of my family at a gorgeous downtown location yesterday. Hooray for Christmas card pictures! My Mom was soooooo excited this morning when I showed her.

Anyway, both Blue Eyes and I have colds and he has a sore tooth. So the green bean recipe didn’t turn out that great with both of us sniffling and the occasional, “Ow, my head!” But even bad green beans are good and he slept over for much-needed cuddles. Hopefully we can get back in the kitchen later this week after I turn in this paper I’m going to work on all day (due Tuesday).

I have a feeling the even bad is good theme will follow me through the next few weeks as I tackle papers and exams. I cannot even begin to talk about how completely unprepared I am for my one exam. I have an outline (thank you ProtoAttorney!) and I have study cds. That is about as prepared as I am. Reading consistently during the semester might have been helpful… okay, reading at all would really have helped. But I guess we’ll see about the whole stair-step theory of exam grading. I’m taking it all one day at a time. First up, ethics in negotiations. Once that’s over, I will see about my exam. Fortunately I wrap it up with what should at least be a more interesting and career-relevant paper on asset forfeiture under the UNCAC.

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Stretched out on my couch. Dressed in black lace, red panties and a silk robe. A Susie Bright anthology at my side. Candles burning softly in the background. Strong, sweet man on his way over.

Ex-husband calls to tell me that the cell phone plan we thought we’d split into two separate plans is still in my name and, oh-by-the-way, he’s opened another line.

Spend an hour on the phone with Sprint only to find out that, yes, we must return to the store TOGETHER.

Blue Eyes has a toothache and is feeling sick. I’m starting to think my green beans might be spoiled… or a little rotten.

Oh, and I have to write a 10-page paper I have not even started between now and Tuesday at 6. And work. And take my son to therapy. And go see my neurologist Monday about this FUC&*&G pain and tingling that Just.Will.Not.Quit!

Crap.

more animals

My super-hawt fellow MILP (hell, we are all super hawt - if you haven’t seen us IRL with our awesome Mommy racks, you are missing out!), Trannyhead, challenged her readers to write about the most delicious of topics, Green Beans. If you have never had green beans, I suggest you go over to TrannyHead’s blog and read all about the wonderousness, especially if, like her, you have to wait MONTHS to consume Green Beans with your husband because of a inconvenient war on the other side of the world. Anyway, since I have never been one to turn down a Tranny, here is my totally TMI (what did you expect?!?!) take on the topic (Blue Eyes, you can just skip to the bottom ‘kay?):

You might say “Duh” when you hear this, but I’ve been a regular green bean consumer for years. And a happy one at that. But you might be surprised to hear that I didn’t start consuming green beans until I was 18 (except for one bad experience at 15 that my therapist says doesn’t count). It wasn’t for lack of offers, but more because of my weird “good girl” core. I didn’t want to have sex until I was able to take care of any products of said consumption. Heck, until I discovered the super deliciousness of green beans, I wasn’t even consuming them alone. Yes, except for the one makeout session under a New Jersey pier with a boy from bible camp and an embarrassing plane makeout on a transcontinental flight with my now-ex-federal-con boyfriend , my teen years were rather repressed.

Fortunately salvation came in the form of a beautiful Honduran chef who spent his days serving politicians and pundits at a fancy Foggy Bottom establishment and his nights serving me at a hotel across the street from said restaurant. Hubba-hubba. It was totally hawt. Unfortunately, as is the case with super-hot Green Beans, other girls wanted a taste. And, after I underwent major surgery and was laid up on my back for several months, even though he was very giving ( ), he ultimately needed more than my battered body could offer and, after dating me for about 9 months, he gave in to a waitress at work. I was crushed.

Fortunately my Best Gay Friend helped me heal with trips to the local “toy store” and bought me one of these. And I found that eating green beans alone could be almost as satisfying and much more emotionally safe than sharing the green beans with others. Sure, I ventured out and tried some Cypriot green beans (a little too fuzzy and not very filling). Spicy Mexican green beans. And, finally, I discovered Guatemalan green beans and decided they were pretty delicious and would suit me just fine. My pocketbook was much heavier with less frequent trips to the toy store (except for this, which is awesome for partnered sex). Monogamous green beans rock. And, even after 8 years, never got stale… for me, anyway.

Unfortunately, while I would be perfectly content consuming green beans 1-2x/week, Chapin was a hungry guy who needed to eat daily (whether I liked it or not) and ultimately his hunger overwhelmed him. As my readers know, he went the way of the hot Honduran. He also tended to think that because he couldn’t get enough green beans, neither would I. He had a high opinion of my attractiveness and desirability and was convinced that no man could resist me. ROFL. So his insecurity led him to turn his own insatiable green bean appetite on me and convince himself that I must have been sampling other green beans. And you know how that worked out.

Six months later, I’ve sampled a variety of green beans, talked way too much about green beans, read a lot of green bean blogs, had green beans via webcam, had green beans via text (at work!), and even had green beans with a married (but separated) man . Ultimately, however, I found a gourmet green bean that is amazingly delicious. I’m preparing them in ways I never have before and thoroughly enjoying myself. Looking back, I was very lucky to have started my green bean journey with a good lover (I was 18/he was 30) because I’ve only had yummy experiences, with only a few varieties that didn’t suit me. My friends talk about spending years in relationships with stale, canned no-name green beans. I have high standards for my green beans and have never had a problem asking for garnish or trying a new preparation and fortunately the guys I have been with aren’t shy either. I think that helps keep the green beans new and interesting.

So, readers, my best recipe for tasty green beans is as follows:

1) Don’t be afraid to eat green beans with different people and figure out what you like
2) Discover how to pop the lid off of your Green Beans (and his… tee-hee)
3) Spend some quality time consuming green beans alone. Great stress relief!
4) Once you settle on a brand, don’t be afraid to add in some condiments or spices to keep things fresh and new!

Happy Thanksgiving. May it be tasty in every way. (I, for one, will be eating steamed green beans and not having any “green beans” this weekend - boo hiss.) Blue Eyes has family over, as do I, so, although we may see each other, we’re both too old and inflexible for up-against-a-wall quickies so I think we’ll probably be pretty hungry by Sunday when the guests leave.) Fortunately he did see me a new picture of “the eyes” so I have a little inspiration if I find a few minutes of alone time. Hubba-hubba.

P.S. Sweetheart, here is another good reason God invented laptops… portability. Merry Christmas to me?

Feeling much better than I was on Monday night. It is 12:20 a.m., my room is clean and smells delicious thanks to the orange oil I use to dust, and I am ready for bed. I managed to finish my presentation and deliver it smoothly (yay!). Forty percent of my grade down, sixty percent to go! Next up, a 10-pager on ethics in negotiations due next Tuesday followed by my Torts exam on the 10th (better start reading!) and my asset forfeiture paper on the 19th.

Decided tonight that I am going to invite several classmates, a few coworkers and my handful of local friends to join me for dinner on my birthday. I turn 30 on December 28 (horrible time of year, I know!) and, darn it, I want to celebrate! I spent my 21st trying to get alcohol with my best friend, but she was 20 and we actually got turned down left and right. It was a bummer. I had been drinking at the gay bars since I was 17 (always looked much older than I was and they served me without batting an eyelash - yes, I was a total fag hag), but that night was just weird. Then I was married that summer. I am going to start 30 off with a bang!!

Any suggestions for awesome things to do over the next decade of my life (or, more specifically, on my birthday night)? Any stories about how much better your 30s are than your 20s? After living in an oppressive, emotionally abusive marriage for eight years, it can really only go up from here, right?

Ana and BC, if either of you would like to join me for Chinese on Saturday the 27th (that is if I didn’t completely scare you off at brunch the other day), I’d love to have you guys there. Let me know if you’d like to be added to the Evite list. I need fun people who know how to have a good time because after the friends with kids head home to relieve their babysitters, I’m planning to hit the town with whoever is left!

My best friend and Pumpkinhead’s Godmother, Ashante, is flying in from DC tomorrow. I cannot wait to see her!! My brother an nephew are flying in on Thursday. Praying for peacefulness. Okay, it is 12:30 a.m. and I have to sleep! I’m picking up Ashante at the airport at 5:45 p.m. and then, although I have yet to tell her this, we are off for an 1.5-hour-long drive (each way…) to pick up Blue Eyes’ daughter because he got stuck on call. She’s bringing her new Shih Tzu. We have Shih Tzus (love ‘em!) so I can’t wait to meet hers. Okay, really, sleepytime!

Batting for the other team is starting to look more and more appealing, except women are moody. I should know. I am one. And moody is definitely my state of mind. I spent all day at home and, except for napping, got very little done. I was supposed to get a presentation finished. Has not yet happened and it is 9:15. I am down. Very down. And can’t seem to snap out of it.

Went to see my awesome masseuse, Gio, for a massage tonight. He had me biting my lip so hard it started to bleed as he was working out the knots in my forearms. Ow. But he got the knots out and I at least feel more relaxed. Then I came home to find Pumpkinhead still awake and playing games with Chapin. I wasn’t in a bath/books mood so I gave in and went the spongebath and Mommy’s bed route. Pumpkinhead is snoring softly behind me as we speak.

Unfortunately Chapin got fresh (came into the bathroom while Pumpkinhead was brushing his teeth and I was peeing and smacked my bare ass) and I wasn’t able to rip him a new one with Pumpkinhead right there. You can bet tomorrow he’ll be getting an earful of “I am no longer your property, asshole”. Sigh…

His cousin friended me on Facebook today and then sent a note about Pumpkinhead. I do like his family so I wrote back. He wrote that Pumpkinhead is looking so old that he’s almost ready for a girlfriend. This from the family/culture that think knocking a girl up at 12 is acceptable. Ack, Men suck! Honestly.

Don’t even get me started on dating. I feel like my life is one big country music video.

Taking a break and stumbled upon this, which I think should be provided to all men after, say, the third date. Unlike me, who obviously has No Filter Whatsoever, men seem to be horrible at expressing their feelings (except the negative ones). I think that the Mad Libs version of romantic expression might work well.

Hawt, no?

He’s taking me out to lunch for Indian. More procrastination…

But, considering the typical law school grading process, does it really matter?!? See Concurring Opinion’s Guide to Law School Grading

Super-cute, right?

Second-best Australia-to-US import (after Heath Ledger)

Stress relief, but it would make me sleep - not good

Will my spreadsheet project ever end?

Hasn’t it healed nicely?

My medical leave of absence was granted. I will be off all spring (if I can finish this semester without hurting myself!), but they are requiring me to return next summer to make up at least one class I missed last summer. Damn it. Oh well, I am looking forward to the break so that I can read all the great links people sent me (shout out to ML and T!) on natural remedies for ADHD and alternative approaches to deal with schools. I also think that working on not crying, increased self-esteem, picking healthy relationships with non-narcissists and actually accomplishing things in my daily life are all good goals.

Chapin called today to set up a time to meet on Saturday and go to Sprint to split our cell phones. We also still need to split insurance and he needs to give me the darn truck to sell. Anyway, he called and said, “I have a big favor to ask. Can I borrow $200?” I said, “For what?” He replied, “I need to pay some guys who are doing work down in Guatemala.” I said, “No.” Then he got mad and started to bitch about his taxes as a single person, high child support, etc. Finally he said, “Well I’m just going to go back to Guatemala then. My girlfriend isn’t handling living with my mother and I need to pay the guys so they will finish the house quickly so she can get out.” I told him he had some serious Cojones to even think of asking me to lend him money to help finance his relationship with a 14 year-old!!! And I said, “Fine, go back, but say goodbye to your child before you leave this time.” And we left it at that. What a dick. How could I have stayed with him so long?!?!

Oh, and his citizenship was officially denied. They rejected his appeal so he is stuck with residency until and unless they choose to deport him for “bad moral character.” They probably won’t and he will probably never apply for citizenship again. Oh well, at least he got something out of our eight-year marriage since, what with his cheating and high use of porn (found the big stash of
Busty Latina Babe DVDs as I was cleaning out the house), I apparently wasn’t enough for him.

Then tonight I went to the movies with Blue Eyes. That was fun and we had a good evening. Then he said something that bummed me out. It wasn’t intentional but I suddenly felt like crying. Welcome to my world. I live on a constant rollercoaster of emotion. My DivorceCare group sends a daily e-mail and today’s said this:

“I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart” (Romans 9:2).

One symptom of depression is a profound and sometimes overwhelming sense of sadness in your life.

“There’s an emptiness in you. You feel like a big hole has suddenly developed in the center of your being. Persistent sadness is there all the time,” says Dr. Archibald Hart.

Cindy says, “If I opened my mouth, I would start sobbing because I was so sad. I had lost a tremendous amount of weight. My hair fell out by the handfuls. Sadness had taken over my whole being.”

Cindy and I are sooooo in the same place right now. Up, down, up, down.