Tired

It’s 3:16 a.m. and I can’t sleep. My cold has turned into a sinus infection and I am stressed.  My clients are demanding and hyper-critical.  Bending over backwards and pushing other work aside to meet one particularly demanding customer’s deadlines just leads to more criticism of “not doing enough.” (Ironic, yes?)

Not doing enough seems to be the story of my life right now.  If I didn’t have the weekly housecleaner coming in, I’m fairly certain I would lose my mind.  I feel like I’m riding a wild wave in life right now – no control, just having to go with it and hope that 90% (or less) is enough to give to work, to school, to marriage, to parenting (that last one sucks – I feel like I’m very much letting down Pumpkinhead these days in lack of time).

I’m also frustrated by husband right now.  While he is so considerate, cleaning the kitchen and picking up dinner for me (without my asking) because he knows I am sick, sometimes he also seems to forget that he’s not single any longer.  This may be part and parcel of marrying for the first time at 40 but it makes me feel disregarded.  The current example makes me feel like a total shrew for even being upset about it.  Husband decided to adopt a family for Christmas.  And when he adopts, he ADOPTS.  He’s done this before but this year it kind of grated on me.  Because he owns his own business, his income is up and down.  Just a few weeks ago, money was tight.  Suddenly he gets a good amount in and it’s like “spend, spend!”  Not “consult with wife on how we want to use the money.”  I want to have money in savings.  Nothing freaks me out more than being so tight we have to pray that no crisis hits.  He knows this.  And yet he seems to see “his” money as being under his discretion while “my” money is never up for discussion – always goes to the bills.  I am happy to adopt this family and give these kids a good Christmas but he hasn’t involved me (or our kids) at all, is having his sister wrap the gifts because he thinks my wrapping skills suck and hasn’t talked to me at all about budget.  I feel disregarded and dismayed.  Not to mention that I have several bills in my purse that I would like to pay but he’s off riding the wild happy wave of Christmas joy.

Also, as usual, I made my Christmas list to fulfill his family’s need for one (I hate lists).  I tend to not want a lot.  This year, I decided that I really wanted a nice, professional purse.  I am not usually *that* girl.  But this year I’ve been loving my coworker’s beautiful orange Tory Burch and my boss’s buttery leather bag.  I decided I’d really like one.  I’m almost tempted to go buy myself one.  I mentioned this and put it on the list but then when it came up the other day, husband was like “huh?!?” and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t faking it. Sigh..  The reality is that I won’t buy one for myself.  I always put the kids and his purchases ahead of mine.  And it’s not really a “need”.  But it is disappointing and, again, I feel frustrated about it but don’t speak of it or raise my needs which, again, is not good.  I am just so overwhelmed with everything that it’s like I can’t even articulate my needs.

And my parents.  Sigh, my parents.  That’s a post in itself.  Suffice it to say that my mother “expects more from me” which translates to “do it my way or I will take it personally and resent you.”  Huge, HUGE, fight over Christmas plans as we try to juggle the needs of three sets of grandparents and mine feel that they should get priority because they’ve been out of the country for three years (never mind that one other set just moved to our town at Easter and this is also their first year here).  Mom and my husband don’t get along. Dad dislikes husband’s mother.  Can’t win for trying and the drama level is through the freaking roof.

This is all 3am babble.  The blog is another disappointing area of total FAIL.  But I can do what I can do, right?  Sigh…