So my mother is at it again. Sigh… She and my father have moved to the Middle East. Of course, despite a generous housing allowance, my mother chose an apartment way beyond their means. They have already had me pull $10k out of an annuity to cover the costs of furniture and other “setting up expenses.” Mind you, this is a $50k annuity and is ALL the retirement money they have, other than the house.
Oh, and they have two church friends living at the house, not paying rent. They are being nice because the guys are out of work but, um, that hardly pays the bills! They’ve had me driving down to fix things (the guys have low IQ and had issues figuring out how/where to plug in a coaxial cable…) and to pick up the mail. Mr. V finally put his foot down today and told me to get the mail forwarded here (we’re an hour’s drive from their house). Doh!
Anyway, when Mr. V and I got engaged, his mother generously offered to give us a little money towards it. I was bowled over. She asked about my parents’ contribution and I laughed. But I decided to suck it up and ask, even though I should know better based on history (remember this summer’s harassment over the borrowed money for the house sale? Grr.) They shocked me and said they’d been talking it over and wanted to give me $5k. THEN they shocked me further by saying they were going to take another $10k out of the annuity to cover taxes and leave $5k with me. I was shocked and delighted. Yeah… should have known.
Money comes and parents suddenly act dumb like they have no recollection of the conversation that took place mere days earlier. No money… They acted like I was nuts and said they understood they would have until 12 days before the wedding to give me the funds. Reassuring!
Then I’m talking to them yesterday about my brother, who is also getting married this year, and my mother mentions that they have covered an extra $1k of his wedding expenses because his bride’s parents aren’t coming up with their share. Um, pot? Kettle. And my brother? The one who drained their bank account while Mom was recovering from a heart attack? The one who beat up his girlfriend and forced my parents to pay his legal bills? The one who has had his car, student loans, etc., covered because he is a sad little diabetic and they feel guilty. Wah. And my mother spent the other $3k on an electric wheelchair. And she’s chosen not to work. Um…
After this summer, I said I would never, ever ask them for money again. Mr. V is pissed that I’m even helping them at all with their house. But if something happened to them over there and we were in a bad place, I would be really upset. Ugh. I need to grow a spine.
ptlawmom
December 7, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Haha.
We just have until 12 days before the wedding to submit the final headcount and pay on the contract.
Juliet
December 7, 2009 at 11:27 pm
“They acted like I was nuts and said they understood they would have until 12 days before the wedding to give me the funds.”
LOL. Is there a 12 year rule that I don’t know about? (Is this like the 5 second rule?)
–Juliet @ http://neverbeenlivedbefore.blogspot.com/
anon
November 26, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I think people did read the post. The facts in the situation are that your parents are going to need a lot of financial help very near in the future. Like it or not, that’s the way it is. Many of us our in the same situation, having to pay not only our mortagage and bills, but those of our parents as well. It’s often the natural order of things.
anonymous
November 24, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Calm down commenters! PT’s totally justified in this situation. She helps her parents when she can, and she’s merely venting her frustration that she asked them for help even though she knew they would let her down again. She only asked for money against her better judgment because she felt bad Mr. V’s parents were going to have to bear the financial burden. Obviously she’s not sending them piles of cash, and she’s planning to responsibly help them when they can no longer work. Did you guys even read this post? Geez.
anon
November 24, 2009 at 9:41 am
Wow, at age 61 to have “drained” all of your retirement resources is a pretty scary thought. It doesn’t leave much time to build a nice cushion. Unfortunately, I think you are going to have to help them A LOT when they do retire. As you know, with them having nothing invested for retirement, it’s going to be very difficult for them to make it on their own fixed income when that time does come. Hopefully, Mr. V, adores your parents and will have no issues about the two of you being their main source of financial support when they do retire. Best wishes.
ptlawmom
November 24, 2009 at 8:34 am
Couldn’t figure out why people keep thinking I’m sending my parents money. Re-read post and now understand. They had me pull money out of THEIR annuity. I am not sending them my money; just asking them for a small amount of theirs for my wedding. While I will probably help them when they are older (even though they have drained all retirement resources), I am not in that position now.
Anavi
November 23, 2009 at 11:35 pm
There’s a reason Mr. V is upset, it’s because your parents keep draining you. You’ve always taken care of them, financially and emotionally, and now they are earning six figures again (as usual) plus a housing allowance in a country where $10,000 per year is enough to live lavishly. Don’t feel guilty, but you should follow Mr. V’s advice, he is only interested in what is best for you. You’ve bailed out your parents again and again and when the dust settles you’ll have to do it yet again.
ptlawmom
November 23, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Who the heck are you random commenters I have never met who don’t know what the heck you are talking about? Of course I will help my Dad out in his old age. 61 is NOT old. My family members have lived well into their 90s. Geez. And my Dad would lose his mind if he wasn’t working. I can’t even imagine what he would do. He’s a MENSA genius-level engineer. He doesn’t want to putter around the house. And he and my mother have drained every single retirement account they have had so they cannot AFFORD to retire!! He needs to work to 65, especially since my mother isn’t working.
Jilia
November 23, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Your father is 61, he does not have that many years ahead of him to work. My goodness, the man should be able to retire and get some pleasure out of life. I would hope that you are helping them financially. Asking for any money from them is absolutely ridiculous. Come one now, at 61, your dad should be close to retirement, not still working non stop.
jill
November 23, 2009 at 10:53 am
By helping out your parents financially, you are setting you and your child up for disaster in the future. If your parents live beyond their means, you helping them will only help them to continue to live beyond their means. I am willing to bet they assume you are going to take care of them when they no longer can. And your mother quitting her job at 54 not because of health or age but just because of plain old “don’t want to” means they will be leaning on you sooner than you think. Think of your financial issues now, think of supporting your son and his future. Look at the money you give them as money you are taking out of your son’s college money, or mortgage money to keep a roof over his head, etc. Take care of you and your son while your parents are still able to take care of themselves.
Katie
November 23, 2009 at 12:49 am
Yes, that’s not right that they treat your brother like a “king”…things should always be equal amongst your children, and what you do or don’t do for one, you should do or not do for the other. Keep your head up, don’t let the stress of this situation take away from your joy.
ptlawmom
November 23, 2009 at 12:46 am
Analissa,
I am fully prepared to help my parents when they get older. But my mother is 59 and my father is 61. They have plenty of good working years left. If, God forbid, they get sick and need my help, I will be there. Right now, as for my whole life, it’s just a case of living far beyond their means. And it aggravates me not because I want their money but because I want them to be doing better! I worry about them.
ptlawmom
November 23, 2009 at 12:44 am
Katie,
I was indeed married before. However, I got married in a $40 green dress from Macy’s in a judge’s chambers and I paid every cent. I even bought my own wedding band because my ex-husband was making $9/hour at the time and we lived in Washington, DC (very high cost of living). I have been “on my own” since 17 financially, working my way full-time through high school and college while attending classes at night. I was told I would get a laptop for my education; push came to shove and they made me pay for it. My brother dropped out of high school and, as a reward for getting his GED, got a trip back to New Zealand.
I have supported myself for the past 12 years and had no intention of asking my parents for money. Except that isn’t fair to Mr. V or his family who WILL step in if necessary.
Since they are that type of people, I am between a rock and a hard place. So, yes, I asked. And they offered. And then, as usual, they bailed out my brother instead.
My father makes six figures. My mother went to college to get her BA at 40, graduating at 45. Then she stopped working at 54 despite $100k+ in private school loans. She had a job lined up in the MIddle East and didn’t take it because she is scared of driving in the city and scared of a certain race of people at the church where she was going to work. Ridiculous!
Yes, perhaps I sound judgmental, but you don’t know me. I do everything they ask and then some. They gave my brother their brand new car and are allowing him to live in their house, rent-free, once he gets married and his probation for felony assault ends in May. Thankful as I am for it, I ended up borrowing their beat-up Subaru that needed almost $1k in repairs to make it safe. We’ve paid $500 so far and I’m praying the brakes won’t fail and dealing with the stinky mold from the leaking. Sure, in comparison to people whose parents give them nothing, I am blessed. It’s the dichotomy between what they do for me and what they do for my brother that kills me.
Sigh…
Katie
November 23, 2009 at 12:35 am
I haven’t been reading your blog for long, but I enjoy it. It sounds like you have been married before.? If that is the case, you absolutely should not take any money from your parents for you wedding. It would be a disgrace to accept a dime from them for a second marriage. Anyone suggesting that you ask is lacking in value and respect.
Analissa
November 23, 2009 at 12:28 am
Is it possible that you could help your parents out and give them some financial support so that they can get themselves set-up over in the Middle East? I am sure it is very difficult on them. I am not sure if they are getting older, but it may be time for your to start supporting them financially, as the natural order of things happen. Maybe sending them even a extra $500 per month may help them.