The last few months, for all their good, have also been filled with fears, unsettled feelings and worry. Ha. What else is new? I’m dealing with a ton of stress at work and that has me on edge, working too much and trying to “fix” something over which I honestly have no control and seek out affirmation from someone I know will never give it.

As for my relationship, it is going better than ever. And that scares the living daylights out of me. Heh. I hate, hate, hate not being in control. And I hate feeling “less than”, but I do. Mr. V says my insecurities are exhausting. Yeah, I’ve heard that one before (Blue Eyes). Jeff Mac says to pay attention not to what a man says but to what he does. So if he says loving things but continues to live somewhat in the past, staying friends with old girlfriends, checking out the occasional Match.com pairing even though his account is shut, or showing evidence of desires I could never fulfill, does that mean I’m in trouble? Or am I magnifying small, normal guy behaviors and overlaying them with insecurities borne of a cheating husband who made me feel undeserving of love? How do I stop feeling so panicked at every little thing and learn to fully trust someone who hasn’t given me any reason NOT to trust him? How do I stop “making him pay” for Chapin’s mistakes?

My friend, T, blogged this week about this same issue and how she doesn’t trust her own judgment, constantly over-thinking and second guessing every move. I can see why it would frustrate Mr. V so I try not to question or second-guess and keep most of this to myself. I have to hope that someday it will go away. And part of me really does think I need to go back to my therapist and talk to her about everything. Because I know that Mr. V is an awesome man who is good for me and vice versa. And I love him. And Pumpkinhead loves him. He makes me laugh and makes me happy. I think this all stems from the fact that I still don’t really understand why Chapin cheated and, deep down, truly feel that it was because of some deficiency of mine. How do you get past that? How do you learn to love yourself and trust that you are lovable and worthy for everything you have to offer and not to hang everything on someone else? I’m doing it at work and I’m doing it at home. Argh. I don’t believe it’s something you can learn overnight but I sure wish there was a pill you could take.