| In this month’s edition of The Atlantic, Sandra Tsing Loh writes about ending her twenty-year marriage and how she feels like marriage is an outdated institution not worth the work that so many years of it require.
“Given my staggering working mother’s to-do list, I cannot take on yet another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance. Sobered by this failure as a mother—which is to say, my failure as a wife—I’ve since begun a journey of reading, thinking, and listening to what’s going on in other 21st-century American families. And along the way, I’ve begun to wonder, what with all the abject and swallowed misery: Why do we still insist on marriage? Sure, it made sense to agrarian families before 1900, when to farm the land, one needed two spouses, grandparents, and a raft of children. But now that we have white-collar work and washing machines, and our life expectancy has shot from 47 to 77, isn’t the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?”
Hmm… Well here’s my take on it. Maybe it’s an overly simplistic and romantic take on it, but I think that love is worth the work. That said, I think you have to choose the right partner and that both people have to be on the same page in terms of both understanding that marriage takes work and commit to do the work going in. It’s just too easy to give up. And, as was the case in my marriage, if one partner isn’t willing to do the work, the other can’t keep the boat moving alone. (It also helps if you don’t go into the marriage knowing you’re making a mistake, even on your wedding day.)
That said, how do you “plan”? According to my DivorceCare group therapist, you start with someone you love. Duh. Then you spend some time in premarital counseling talking about all the potential hot topic areas that may come up during marriage – money, sex, work/life balance, vacation choices, childrearing, number of kids, etc. Once you are aware of each other’s opinions and comfortable or willing to compromise, you make a plan for a life together that includes continued compromise, work and adjustment as things change. Flexibility and a willingness to adapt are they key to a strong marriage.
But, and here’s the other thing that the author references, you have to make each other a priority. Have date night. Yes, schedule sex. Meet each other for lunch occasionally. Take the time to send a love note. It’s being taken for granted that makes women, at least, feel like they are lost in a marriage. Appreciate the things you do for each other. Take the time to say thank you and tell the person the types of things you tell others about them. I will never forget the conversation I had with one of Chapin’s coworkers shortly after our divorce. He told me all these amazing things that Chapin said about me at work that he had never said to me. Our marriage was doomed from the start and it wouldn’t have made a difference, but it made me decide that I will always commit to express my feelings daily and directly.
What are your thoughts on this? Is marriage a dead institution? Am I right that it is not only alive and well but worth fighting for? Weigh in.
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I know that MY marriage is worth working hard to keep. It sounds like she just gave up.
Now, I don’t know. Maybe they had a crappy marriage. Or maybe she was just lazy, but that excerpt made me sad and disappointed.
I think that long engagements and only getting married after both people think they are the people they want to be is the only way to make it work. In fact, too much talking about money, kids, sex, etc can be detrimental if you are too young or too unsettled when you get married, meaning that one person ends up changing their minds on one or more of these items. I admit that I completely regret my decision to marry my husband and hold a big-time grudge that he hasn’t kept his promise to stay home and raise the kids even though I have kept my promise to live on the other side of the country than my family (in order to be near to his) and have a demanding job that can support the family. I was too young (22) and too silly to see all of the signs that this wasn’t the man for me. Alas, I will not leave him for the kids’ sake which means we’ll be together for at least 12 more years until they *hopefully* head to college and the two of us can sit down and I can tell him that I won’t be spending forever with him.
Bleh. I hate these articles. I don’t pretend that marriage or my relationship is perfect for everyone, why do some people make blanket statements like “marriage is outdated” or “monogamy is unnatural.” I think they’re usually just cover for an unhappy person who made bad relationship decisions.
Like LC my marriage is not work. It is a partnership, a life-long relationship with someone I love more than anyone else on Earth. I am a whole person on my own, but I am even more with him and I love having someone to share my ups and downs and all the little moments in between. The idea that it’s an improvement project or adds to my to do list is ridiculous- being married makes my role as a working mother 1000x easier and my to do list is significantly shorter because of JP and all the work he puts into being a father, husband, and fellow partner.
So bleh. I’m sorry that the author is so bitter, it would be very sad to feel that way after a relationship you gave 20 years of your life to, but I still find her stance mildly offensive in the way she acts like it applies to everyone. Oh and good for you for remaining so positive and optimistic about relationships and marriage, I think that goes a very long way in ultimately finding one that works for you.
Bleh. I hate these articles. I don’t assume that marriage or my relationship is right for everyone, so why do some people make blanket statements like “marriage is outdated” or “monogamy is unnatural.” I think they’re usually just cover for an unhappy person who has made bad relationship decisions.
Like LC my marriage is not work. It is a partnership, a life-long relationship with someone I love more than anyone else on Earth. I am a whole person on my own, but I am even more with him and I love having someone to share my ups and downs and all the little moments in between. The idea that it’s an improvement project or something extra on my to do list is ridiculous- my husband makes being a working mother about 1000x easier and my to do list is significantly shorter because of him.
Bleh, I’m sorry the author is so bitter about her past relationship, it would be very sad to feel that way after so many years invested. Good for you for being hopeful and optimistic, I think so much of happiness- individual and in a relationship- has to do with the mindset of those involved.
I think that’s a personal decision for each of us to make – we can only know the right answer for us.
I think the proposition that marriage is a dead institution is a proposition arising from bitterness coming from someone who either made poor choices or simply did not want to be married. (However I did not read the article.)
Did she talk to any happily married couples? I know plenty of them. I am one of them–we’ve ben married almost 14 years. I’ve seen my share of dysfunction, both of my parents were married multiple times. But I learned from their mistakes.
I don’t think my marriage is a lot of work. It is not one more “project” on my working mom’s to-do list. It is not always rainbows and butterflies and there are times when we start picking at each other. But I eventually say “hey, what’s this about? I think we need to get away and spend some kid-free time together.” But I still wouldn’t consider that work, anymore than I would consider scheduling a lunch with friends or girls’ night work.