| In this month’s edition of The Atlantic, Sandra Tsing Loh writes about ending her twenty-year marriage and how she feels like marriage is an outdated institution not worth the work that so many years of it require.
“Given my staggering working mother’s to-do list, I cannot take on yet another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance. Sobered by this failure as a mother—which is to say, my failure as a wife—I’ve since begun a journey of reading, thinking, and listening to what’s going on in other 21st-century American families. And along the way, I’ve begun to wonder, what with all the abject and swallowed misery: Why do we still insist on marriage? Sure, it made sense to agrarian families before 1900, when to farm the land, one needed two spouses, grandparents, and a raft of children. But now that we have white-collar work and washing machines, and our life expectancy has shot from 47 to 77, isn’t the idea of lifelong marriage obsolete?”
Hmm… Well here’s my take on it. Maybe it’s an overly simplistic and romantic take on it, but I think that love is worth the work. That said, I think you have to choose the right partner and that both people have to be on the same page in terms of both understanding that marriage takes work and commit to do the work going in. It’s just too easy to give up. And, as was the case in my marriage, if one partner isn’t willing to do the work, the other can’t keep the boat moving alone. (It also helps if you don’t go into the marriage knowing you’re making a mistake, even on your wedding day.)
That said, how do you “plan”? According to my DivorceCare group therapist, you start with someone you love. Duh. Then you spend some time in premarital counseling talking about all the potential hot topic areas that may come up during marriage – money, sex, work/life balance, vacation choices, childrearing, number of kids, etc. Once you are aware of each other’s opinions and comfortable or willing to compromise, you make a plan for a life together that includes continued compromise, work and adjustment as things change. Flexibility and a willingness to adapt are they key to a strong marriage.
But, and here’s the other thing that the author references, you have to make each other a priority. Have date night. Yes, schedule sex. Meet each other for lunch occasionally. Take the time to send a love note. It’s being taken for granted that makes women, at least, feel like they are lost in a marriage. Appreciate the things you do for each other. Take the time to say thank you and tell the person the types of things you tell others about them. I will never forget the conversation I had with one of Chapin’s coworkers shortly after our divorce. He told me all these amazing things that Chapin said about me at work that he had never said to me. Our marriage was doomed from the start and it wouldn’t have made a difference, but it made me decide that I will always commit to express my feelings daily and directly.
What are your thoughts on this? Is marriage a dead institution? Am I right that it is not only alive and well but worth fighting for? Weigh in.
