I remember the first (and last) time I went skiing. I had practiced at the bottom for hours, slipping and sliding and cracking my head on the ice every time, but getting right back up and trying again because everyone kept telling me that eventually I would get the hang of it. As the ski lift approached the top of the bunny slope for my very first run, my stomach was in knots. I was simultaneously excited to try the new adventure and also completely freaked out by the possibility of slamming into a tree. But, at 14, I decided to be brave. So I leaned really far forward like the ski instructor had taught me, lifted the bar, and went for it.* (scroll to bottom for end of that story. I’m ending the analogy here and am hopeful it will stay that way!)
That experience is akin to how I feel right now. Excited, really eager to see where this goes, ready to puke at how much I like this guy and totally freaked at the possibility of failing miserably. Last night was my first sleepover with Mr. V. Ana told me that I was going to seriously regret having put so much emphasis on this night and she was right. As great as it was to be with him, it was also awkward and weird and unusual. Circumstances were conspiring against us all day, from family issues to home repair problems to weather. So we had to change our plans at the last minute and go out to eat. Then we cuddled on the couch and watched Sex and the City which, for any of you who have not watched it, is actually pretty damn sad.
So by the time bedtime came, which was something we’d probably both been eagerly anticipating for a while, it ended up being kind of strange. I wanted to show him my skills and he probably wanted to show me his and it ended up being awkward. Felt great. Ended up working out. But there were more stops and starts than either of us had probably hoped for. Then Ms. Self-Assured bursts into tears right in the middle. WTF?!?! Mr. V said something totally innocuous and I started bawling. Seriously bawling. Talk about a mood killer. So obviously my new motto in life need to be “let go and enjoy yourself, stop planning and chill.” Because Ana was TOTALLY right.
We had an awesome night. At least I did. He is soooo hard to read. I don’t know how he feels in the morning light, really, but I think he’s still digging on me like I’m digging on him. But I spent all night having horribly vivid and psychological self-esteem-shaking dreams. And then in the daylight I am freaking Verbal Diahrrea Girl. Has anyone else done this? I like this guy so much that I cannot Shut The Fuck Up. I do the same thing when I’m nervous at work. He knows about my crazy family, all my crazy quirks, etc. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe my inner child is trying to scare him off? It’s like I’m sitting on the outside watching myself and screaming, “Nooooo!!!!”
But here’s where the scary stuff comes in. This morning we lay in bed talking for a long time. Then he made me coffee and we cuddled on the couch for a long time. Went out to breakfast, teasing each other with fun conversation, laughing, kissing and generally enjoying each other’s company. I haven’t felt this happy ever. But the scary thing is that when we are sitting across the table from each other talking and I look into his eyes, I see babies. When we’re holding hands, I can envision us side by side in rocking chairs. And that is freaking crazy talk. Because we’ve only just started dating, he hasn’t met my kid and won’t for a while (and, of course, that would sour the deal completely if they don’t get along), and he could always start smoking again. Which is why I may never sleep again because the man is driving me insane, whether he tries to or not. And I can’t seem to just chill out and enjoy the moment, which is very, very bad. And, most of all, I have no idea what he is thinking but he knows everything that I am thinking – good, bad and ugly – because, again, I cannot shut up.
So either this is what love at first sight feels like and I am hurtling headfirst into a life of blissed-out, irritating, amazing, annoying, hysterical, fun love or this is some part of me screwing with my mind and I am going to get hurt, and bad. I have never felt like this before and I’m super-scared that my mind is playing tricks on me and that I’m forcing this guy into a relationship with me even though I feel amazingly happy and think the feeling is mutual. Sigh… Yes, I think too much. No, I can’t shut the brain off. Came home after my weekend feeling all weird and domestic. Made my son sauteed shrimp, parmesan-crusted tilapia and steamed green beans and am about to bake banana bread. Between the visions of babies and the baking, yes, PT-LawMom has indeed leapt off the deep end! And with that, scroll down to read the end of my first and last ski lift story.
* Fell off lift too soon, promptly falling about 15 feet down on my back and had to be rescued by the ski patrol and spend a few months recovering from my injured back and neck.