| Had a confounding, irritating, frustrating, upsetting experience this evening. After a perfectly pleasant day at work and a great time training for a fun volunteer event in two weeks, I took Ana’s advice and contacted Blue Eyes to see if I could swing by his house for a minute to retrieve a chalk portrait my brother’s Godmother had made for me that he had been framing. I had actually contacted him Sunday after having brunch with Ana but he was away and didn’t get back late. The rest of my week is insane so if it wasn’t tonight, it wouldn’t happen. Anyway, we hadn’t spoken in two weeks and I figured since Mr. “I Love You” hadn’t contacted me since Tuesday the 17th, he was probably not ever going to and I should probably go ahead and ask for my art back and discuss some other outstanding items. Not that he would have done anything to my art, but why wait?
His texts on Sunday had been pleasant enough so I called him up and he said, sure, come on by. So I knocked on his door and that’s when it all went downhill. Seeing him again took my breath away. I had to stand across the room and hold onto his dog to avoid doing or saying anything stupid. Instead of just giving me the art back, he was standing there gluing it to the matting and finishing the framing process. When he finally came over to hand it to me and put a piece of plastic underneath it so I wouldn’t get chalk on my seats, I just lost it. Tears started streaming down my face and I said, “Thank you” and pretty much ran out of there. 
Didn’t talk about any of the other items I had needed to discuss (guess I’ll have to address those in an e-mail) and basically made a freaking fool of myself. Ugh! I knew I should have waited a few more weeks. I hadn’t shed a single tear in the past two weeks and suddenly they all came rushing forth in one moment with the guy. Damn it all!
I left his house and called Ana to get her to talk me down. She reminded me that we fall for people for a reason and that it is perfectly normal to grieve for a relationship you were in for so long (six months is a long time!). Just because he ultimately wasn’t able or willing to be what I needed him to be or give me what I wanted doesn’t mean I didn’t care for him. So I guess I do need some time to get past that. In the meantime, I am being a good girl and avoiding the glass of wine I really want to drink. I went for my massage (cried through that, too, damn it!), then came home and stood under the steaming hot water for a good half hour to get the rest of it out. Now I am re-reading It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy
Awesome Thought: Alone also means available for someone outstanding!
And you know what? I’m going to wake up tomorrow and remind myself that I do not have to live a life filled with disappointment. I can have standards. I deserve to feel loved and wanted and to ask that of the person with whom I am sharing myself. It’s okay to be disappointed that an otherwise good guy didn’t turn out to be able to offer the whole package. I just have to remember that I’m a really great girl and I deserve someone equally great.
Most importantly, my kid loves his grandparents and it takes a village, or so I’m told…
But it meant a lot to hear it. This weekend as I was going through all of the items I’d thrown in a box back in the summer as I was packing, I tried to decide what to keep and what to toss. Ultimately I decided to keep a small selection of my cards to him and his cards to me along with our wedding album. I put them in a box and put them back in storage and will give them to Pumpkinhead when he is older so that he can know that he was born in love (although I guess I’ll wait until he’s old enough to understand why sometimes love isn’t enough). We also have tons (and I mean TONS) of photos from vacations and just from Pumpkinhead’s childhood years that I need to get into an album. I keep moving them from house to house and should really actually do something with them.
