When I got divorced, I remember my ex-husband saying “If you’d only told me. If I only knew. Why didn’t you just tell me I was making you feel this way. I could have changed. Heck, I can change.” Well I remember telling him. And I remember giving him chances. And I remember him changing for a few minutes and then doing it all over again. Do you think all men are oblivious? If so, is it pointless to fight it? I don’t think they all are… but who knows?!?
I’ve come to kind of a crossroads with my parents, with work, etc. For a long time I have felt like, hey, I’m in my 20s and still learning. I have an excuse for why I don’t know everything or can’t do it all or whatever. But that’s less true now and I need to face that. I’m an avoider. Growing up with a bipolar Dad and my Mom, who was simultaneously depressed and seriously narcissistic, led to some obvious self-esteem issues. My therapist says that when you grow up in that situation, anything you do to meet your own needs triggers an extreme rejection and you learn that your needs are bad and your feelings are selfish. So, as an adult, when you state your needs, you feel a lot of guilt and shame around those things.
Blue Eyes always said my books were crap but I’m trying to read them, absorb them and pick up tools to figure out how to change patterns. I’m an analytical person. When I was pregnant with Pumpkinhead, I read everything I could get my hands on to examine different ideologies and pick and choose what I thought made sense. My friend, Ana, doesn’t understand why I’ve had a hard time being alone and standing up for my needs and I’m sure some of my other readers have found it hard to understand me sometimes (I don’t blame you guys – I don’t get me either). Ana admitted that she has often wanted to comment on certain posts but she’s afraid of coming off to harsh. Bring it, people. I’d rather hear it directly so I can practice getting the hell over it. 
And better to hear it from well-intentioned, friendly people than from meanies.
Here’s what my self-esteem book says:
A basic feeling of wrongness puts you in the constant danger of feeling a great deal of pain. One harsh word can do it. One look of annoyance. One noticeable error. You need protection. The problem is that minor defenses such as putting it out of your mind or arguing back to the critic don’t always work. The pain is simply too great. You try reasoning it through, telling yourself it’s a small thing, telling yourself that everybody gets annoyed once in a while. But the reasonable voice gets drowned out in a flood of wrongness. Underneath everything is that empty, lonely place where you feel worthless. And you are afraid of falling into it. The fear gives you an intense need to save yourself, to protect yourself from those feelings in any possible way.
Three major kinds of defenses:
1. Running away: Avoidance and emotional isolation (a favorite of mine and my Dad’s — perhaps why he stopped going to work this summer. Easier than facing the problems there.)
2. Attacking others: You block the feeling of being bad with outer-directed rage (a favorite of my brother and my Mother and my ex-husband)
3. Attacking yourself: You block the feeling of being bad with inner-directed rage (I don’t really do this but I know there are people who do)The book says you become addicted to your defenses just like an alcoholic. The defense helps to anesthetize the deeper levels of anxiety or hurt and you return to that coping strategy again and again.
But here’s the part I failed to read in this book before:
Hoping or expecting to fix what is wrong with you is part of your system of denial. Every time you try to beat yourself into being better, you deny what it means to be human by insisting that it is possible or even desirable to be perfect. You forget about your needs, about your hunger, about your longing for things. When you judge yourself harshly, nearly every aspect of life becomes more difficult. For example:
1. You expect that others see your flaws and are as disgusted by them as you are. So you must constantly be vigilant to prepare for their inevitable rejection. (HUGE problem for me at work – one sign that I’ve done something even small wrong and I’m convinced I’m getting fired. Usually they were actually very happy with my work product and I only needed to work on one thing and they are shocked that I’ve found a new job and am moving on.)
2. You get very angry or depressed when criticized.
3. You fear mistakes, so you don’t like to do new things. You have to work extremely hard so no one will find fault with what you do (this is why being ill during law school has been so very, very, very depressing for me.)
4. You avoid disciplining your children because you are afraid of their anger (obviously I need to work on this one and QUICK! But it’s definitely a huge issue for me.)
5. You are afraid to ask for things because a refusal would mean you are an unworthy person (yep!)
6. It’s hard to say no or set limits in relationships because you would feel wrong if the other person got upset (if I’m setting limits in a relationship or ending a relationship, it’s because I’m so far past the point where I should have said something that it is beyond repair. I need to work on doing this earlier and not fearing rejection.)
I want to tell you all about the deconstruction exercise I’m learning to help make what seems overwhelming at work turn into more manageable pieces but that will have to be another post. I’m late and my mother is screaming at me… again.
