This weekend I received a comment for approval from a child of divorce on my post, Seeing the Other Side.

There is a saying: A mother’s a mother all of your life. A father’s a father until his next wife.

With all due respect to Blue Eyes…the father’s pain at loss of every day contact is only made better for the father by not trying harder and blaming the mother and sometimes the child. That’s extraordinarily self-indulgent on the father’s part. The child doesn’t fare better UNLESS the father really doesn’t belong in the child’s life. The next you will hear is it is ‘best’ which is really a way of saying it is ‘easier for me’ (the father).

A child needs to know that in spite of the difficulties, the father does want to spend time and makes it work even with his own sacrifice. What is correct is that you can’t change the way the father behaves. That’s for his therapist. But your child needs to understand…not just ‘handle’ it because the message will be very confusing. “If he loves me he should want to be a part of my life. How can he love me if he doesn’t? Then it’s OK to say you love someone and not try.

Both of you are role models for a successful marriage and a successful divorce. And this will impact him into the future. But you can only control your own actions and guide your son through his father’s in-actions. But please don’t send the message to your son that ‘he loves you and would be here if he could’ if his father is simply selfish, lazy about the relationship and putting his own pain first.

Don’t let him misunderstand what real love is so that he brings that message forward into his own adult life.

At least tell him the truth, “Your father loves you but because he can’t see you every day like Mommy does, sometimes his anger gets in the way of reaching out to you the way you wish he would. Hopefully that will change in the future but we can’t control it right now.” Honesty.

His words really impacted me and I realized that, now more than ever, my own self-esteem and self-worth in choosing a partner and in standing up to my ex about his behavior with, and in front of, our son are extraordinarily important. The relationships I model to my child, whether they be with a boyfriend/husband, with my boss and coworkers, or with his teachers or parents of other children will have such an impact on the way he chooses to treat others and allow himself to be treated in the future.

While most people think I am quite outgoing, the truth is that I detest conflict and I find it incredibly difficult to stand up for myself. When I do, I feel sick to my stomach and it is very easy for someone to turn it around and make me feel like my feelings are irrational or all in my mind. I stayed in an abusive eight-year marriage because he made me feel like I was over-reacting or losing my mind half the time. I am trying so, so, soooo hard to be aware of “my authentic self.” i.e., what I truly feel and why. Sometimes my feelings are projections of past experiences with my family or my ex and are unfair. Sometimes, however, they are based in reality.

What I need to learn is that it is okay for me to feel the way I feel and to express that to others. They may not see things my way but I need to feel confident in expressing myself. I also need to learn to allow others to feel their own way about how I feel and not try to fix it or make it better. Most importantly, I need to learn not to let other people discount my feelings, accuse or blame me for stirring up a situation or exert other controlling behaviors that make me feel less than. I want my son to feel like he deserves to be loved, respected, adored and cherished. Hopefully as I set boundaries with others and choose to be around people who desire to treat me the way I deserve to be treated rather than taking me for granted or, in the case of my ex-husband, using and abusing me, I will model the need for setting those same boundaries to him.

From my Wednesday night divorce class:
What are boundaries?
Do you have trouble saying no?
Do people generally take advantage of you or take you for granted?
Do you generally give more than you receive in relationships?
Do you ever feel like you are spread so thin that you need another 12 hours in your day?
Is your life out of control?
A boundary is:
A personal property line that marks things for which we are responsible
Knowing what is my problem and what is someone else’s problem
Knowing what is my solution and what is someone else’s solution

Types of Boundaries:
Physical: help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances (I, for example, do not like to be touched at work. The men I work with seem to like to put their hands on my shoulders when giving instructions or pat my back. I detest that. I don’t mind as much with family and friends but I am also uncomfortable with socially with mere acquaintances.)
Emotional: help us to deal with our own feelings and to disengage from the harmful, manipulative behavior of others
Mental: give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions

Categories of Controlling Behaviors
Withholding
What do you want me to say?
There’s nothing to talk about.
You do all the talking anyway; why should I tell you what I think?
Countering
I say up, you say down
I say black, you say white
Discounting
You are too sensitive!
You make a big deal out of nothing!
You blow everything out of proportion!
You think you know everything!
Blocking/Diverting
Nag, nag, nag
You hear me.
Get off my back!
Accusing/Blaming
You always have to have the last word.
You are just trying to pick a fight.
You are attacking me.
Judging/Criticizing
Most You statements are critical, judgmental and abusive
Your problem is…
The trouble with you is…
Trivializing
The subtle art of reducing the significance of what has been expressed
Undermining
Who asked you?
What do you know?
Nobody asked you!
You don’t understand.
Who are you trying to impress?
Threatening
You better…
If you don’t…
Do what I want or else…
Name calling
Forgetting
I never said that.
I don’t remember that!
You’re making that up!
Ordering
Get this – go there
You will (not) …
Do this – do that
Denial
I never said that.
We never talked about that.
I don’t know where you got that.