PT-LawMom

There’s a lot of guilt, loss and anger associated with the breakup of a family. Now I see why they say that divorce is so devastating. Chapin never calls. He sees Pumpkinhead on Wednesdays now that he’s home only because no one else can pick Pumpkinhead up. He sees him on Sundays only if I call and initiate. I was hurt by this and feeling resentful, wondering how such a super-devoted father could switch to a seemingly uncaring guy (for all his husband flaws, he adores Pumpkinhead and vice versa).

Last night Blue Eyes set me straight. I asked him for his take on the situation as a single parent and he told me how much it hurts him, even now – 12 years after he and the mother of his child split up when his daughter was 10 months old – to just talk on the phone with his daughter. He calls her several nights each week but every time he hangs up it’s like someone punched him in the gut. Not seeing her for several weeks in a row because they live far away is also really hard to handle. He’s basically resigned himself to not being the active parent and just accepting whatever role he can have in her life. Trying to be there but not trying to put himself out there so much that he gets hurt or she does. She gets really conflicted over holidays when they try to give her an option of who she wants to spend time with. She doesn’t want to hurt either parent so she won’t make a choice and it ends up causing more hurt than help.

I am soooo not looking forward to this part of things with Chapin. Part of me wishes he would just go back to Guatemala and stay there because at least then we’d have the “Daddy’s too far away” excuse for why he’s not coming by regularly. But the part of me that has memories of him singing his son to sleep or racing around the yard with him or tickling him until he almost passed out laughing won’t stop hoping. Still, after my conversation with Blue Eyes last night, I’m going to keep my mouth shut and sit on my hands. Chapin is surely hurting because he lost daily contact with his son. He definitely sees me as responsible for that and there is nothing I can do to change the situation. Harassing him to spend more time with his son won’t help, especially if it is just hurting him. I can mention to him that Pumpkinhead would like some help with soccer or Pumpkinhead can call him but ultimately, as Blue Eyes told me, I need to let them do what works for them. This is really hard but I need to respect Chapin’s pain. As long as Pumpkinhead isn’t crying out for his Daddy (and he isn’t – he loves the time they have but he never asks to call or go over and when I offer to call his Dad, he usually says “Nah, not right now.”), then I won’t push the issue. There will come a time when he will want more Daddy time and we can all discuss it then. Right now I need to respect Chapin’s need to grieve the loss of daily contact with his son.

Have I mentioned that divorce sucks?