This blog post on “I am Divorced, Not Dead” reminded me of why I have tried to keep a strict “friendly, but not friends” rule with Chapin. It is SUCH a hard line. On the one hand, the easiest thing might be to excise that person completely from your life. Unfortunately when you share a child together, that is impossible. So how do you maintain a relationship without crossing a line? Chapin has found it hard.

As Delaine says in her blog post,

I’m not saying you should expect to be enemies; no, not at all. I’m saying you should aim for something in the middle – like a ‘professional working relationship.’ It should be polite, somewhat distant, but functional. No more, but no less.

“But why Delaine?” You ask. “Isn’t it in our best interest to be friends? Isn’t it in the kids best interest?”

Because I’ve seen the same negative cycle repeat itself over and over again with me and my ex, AND other divorcing girlfriends: We start getting along well with the exes, it feels good…we may go the ‘extra mile’ for them in some way like drive the kids somewhere far away to meet them, or invite them in for dinner…and then IT happens: a mini-bomb, some kind of comment or event that hurts us, angers us, and leaves us spiraling for days, if not weeks. We all thought we were ‘moving forward’, that things were going so well, that we were ‘big enough’ to move beyond the enormity of the divorce crisis…

Except for a few missteps (i.e., paying his car insurance since the divorce, assisting him with online bill payment setup and other “household” things), I have tried to keep the relationship completely about Pumpkinhead and keep our relationship on a business level – drop off paperwork and mail with the kid two days a week; if I have to call him it is either an urgent matter related to our son or the house/vehicles/taxes. Chapin, on the other hand, calls me for everything. He’ll call when he’s lost and needs directions. He called to ask me who he should call to get a digital converter box for his TV (I told him it is not my problem to figure that out, especially to set it up for his apartment with his girlfriend). Part of this is my fault because I did absolutely everything in our marriage. So I do feel a bit of guilt. But in order for me to recover and feel whole, I need that separation. I need our son to know that we can get along for his sake and I won’t be able to do that if I feel bitter and resentful that he is using me every time he needs any kind of information, phone call, business data, etc. So I’m trying hard to set those boundaries. Our car insurance renews on March 6. His cell phone is currently dead because he didn’t pay the bill and he’s stopped paying his credit cards. He’s several weeks behind on child support. But you know what? Even though the car is in both of our names still (DAMN IT, the Court awarded one to him and one to me but he was gone for so many months we never signed transfer papers), I am going to tell him that as of March 6 he must sign my car over to me and start paying his own insurance. Unfortunately I will have to retain my name on the registration to his vehicle, it appears. He is paying the car payments now but if he stops I will be liable and need to have the car registered in my name in order to sell it if necessary.

Divorce sucks. I was laying in bed last night thinking about how bad he used to make me feel anytime I said anything he disagreed with, wore anything he didn’t like or did anything he (mis)interpreted as “bad” in some way. So I am really relieved and glad I am divorced. But it is such a huge emotional sinkhole and there is so much involved in it that it’s almost as bad as being in the bad marriage itself. Ugh. Next up, time to do my taxes and then inform Chapin that I have claimed Pumpkinhead. It’s my right has the custodial parent but he is going to be uber-pissed and it will be a major fight. I also have to check my credit report because even though we dropped my name from his credit cards and his name from mine and got confirmation from the card companies, I want to be sure that they don’t start going after me now that he’s decided he is giving up on everything but the car payment and rent because he “can’t afford it.” Sigh… Last thing I need is a credit report in the toilet.