The lovely Modern Single Momma, Morgan, is on her way across the country with the man of her dreams. On the drive they will be reviewing a list of 276 questions to ask before you marry and will also be getting officially engaged somewhere along the way. They’ve got engagement boots, but apparently there is a diamond field or something where she might get a ring (cool and super romantic). I was looking at this list and it occurred to me that if I had just asked Chapin a few of these, we could have avoided years of heartache (especially the ones about child-rearing philosophies, money, travel habits and education). Here are the questions (and some of my answers since I’ve taken a nice, hot bath, a few large pills and am finally in a bit less pain for typing):
276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
WORK
1. Are you working on your chosen field? I think so. I really like my job. I feel challenged and the work is interesting.
2. How many hours a week do you work? About 50, including work at home and/or late days.
3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?) Desk job. Some travel.
4. What is your dream job? I’d like to work with immigrants and refugees on pro bono legal cases involving labor law, immigration and other issues that make assimilation to US culture a challenge.
5. Have you ever been called a workaholic? Yes
6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working? I put money away regularly in my 401(k) but have no idea what I would do or when I would stop.
7. Have you ever been fired? Never
8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot? I have changed jobs regularly for more challenging opportunities and I worked during undergrad in offices. I quit one job suddenly (i.e., no notice) but that is because they were firing off the minorities one by one. When they fired my African American boss, I walked out with her.
9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job? I consider my current position part of my career path.
10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Sort of. My ex-husband’s jealousy extended to my bosses and coworkers and make it very difficult.
HOME
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? I don’t know. I have enjoyed living in other places. I am happy where I am now and have moved enough to know that home really is where your heart is.
12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings? Definitely urban but I live suburban for my son and his educational well-being.
13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper? I prefer my own home. I’d rather hire professionals to do the work for me and I always hire housekeepers, but mostly because of my pain and time constraints.
14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home? My home is a cocoon. I enjoy having art, books and music around to inspire me.
15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on? I cannot sleep with any music or TV on. I like quiet, but I do enjoy having background music when cleaning or at dinner.
16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone? Mandatory. Extremely important.
17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Not in a breakup but certainly in arguments. I have no problem with Goodwill or garage sale pieces. My ex-husband hated that.
18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live? Probably in a simple house with a housecleaner and a cook. 
19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money? Define a lot. I want to be able to pay my bills, student loans, and get Pumpkinhead what he needs. Other than that, I am fine.
20. What is your annual income? No comment.
21. Do you pay alimony or child support? No
22. Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances? I’m not sure. I think it can be prudent but I can see the argument for trust. Still, if you are coming into the relationship with a child I can see the benefit of protecting some of your assets. I don’t know.
23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget? I like the idea. Do I do it? No. Am I good with money? No.
24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person’s salary? I think there should be a joint account for all bills and household payments and that the separate accounts, if any, should be for mad money. All paychecks should go to the joint account and a set amount should go to each person’s “mad money” account for them to spend as they please. There should also be an agreement not to spend more than a certain amount without discussing it with the other person.
25. Who should handle the finances in your family? Whoever will screw it up the least.
26. Do you have significant debts? Do student loans count?
27. Do you gamble? No. Occasional lottery ticket every few months, otherwise no.
28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school? I started working part-time when I was 14 cleaning houses. I have worked ever since.
29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy? Never.
30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you’re on a tight budget? Absolutely
31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money? No
32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? Yes, money was a big issue in my marriage.
RELATIONSHIP HISTORY
33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear? Yes and yes.
34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it? No comment.
35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn? No comment.
36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss? Divorced. Trying to handle it well. It isn’t easy, but therapy and groups help.
37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you?re not proud of? Yes, I am trying to be very honest.
36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship? No, I think you learn things about yourself from past relationships.
39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships? Yes. Ugh. Working on it!!
40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you? Yes, but my ex-husband would not go. I did some on my own. It helped me get strong enough to realize I was in an abusive situation and needed to move on.
41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future? Yes, good relationship and strong future relationship.
42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn?t go through with the wedding? No.
43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment? Yes. Chapin and I lived together before marriage. I think it is important and probably would do it for longer next time.
44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you? Yes.
SEX
45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge. No comment.
46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why? Duh. Yes.
47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex? Attention.
48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted? No comment.
48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex? Open and honest. My parents taught me about sex with a book and open discussion.
50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better? Apparently so.
51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to ?keep the peace?? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to ?keep the peace?? Yes, absolutely.
52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage? Yes!
53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography? Yes
54. How often do you need or expect sex? No comment.
55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex? No
56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? You would have to ask my ex-husband.
HEALTH
57. How would you describe the current state of your health? 
Crap? Shit? Totally fucked up?
58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery? Do you have a few hours?
58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows? I think it is important to seek help if you have a problem.
60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness? Yes. Run away now. Don’t have kids with me.
61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance? Yes. That is why I have to go to law school part-time. Can’t live without ‘em (litrerally).
62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week? I am lazy.
63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes? I have a machine and tons of DVDs, stretch bands, balls, etc. at home.
64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship? Yes, both.
65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? No.
66. Have you ever been in a serious accident? Yes
67. Do you take medication? Yes
68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? Yes, thanks to my evil cheating rat bastard of an ex-husband.
P.. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder? Yes
strong>70. Do you see a therapist? Yes
71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked? Never
72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree? Chocolate addiction, maybe.
73. How much alcohol do you drink every week? I may drink once every two weeks or so. I don’t drink often, although I did drink a bit much right after my divorce. I was on a beer tasting binge.
74. Do you use recreational drugs? No, never.
75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)? No comment
76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? No comment
APPEARANCE
77. How important is it that you always look your best? Depends on the day
78. How important is your spouse?s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical ?type?? Not important
70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo? I dye my hair four times a year
80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse?s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight? I would like to maintain a relatively healthy weight. I would not like to return to a morbidly obese state. I would like my partner to be healthy for the sake of a long life together but in terms of attractiveness, I don’t care.
81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year? I have no idea.
82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks? Ha. No. I think faces and scars tell stories.
83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks? I don’t like my big butt and I cannot lie. I have always been shamed about my weight. I am, however, fairly self-confident in many ways, especially since my surgery. I try to appreciate the good parts of my looks.
84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss? That would suck. I’d do whatever I could to help.
85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or ?chemistry? ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? I think that you can be attracted to many parts of a person. I have issues with short guys but that really has nothing to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with me. I did break up with one very short guy because of his height. Yep, so shallow…
PARENTHOOD
86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children? I would like another but I probably won’t be able to physically have one and that is okay. I might consider adoption and would like a partner who is open to that possibility.
87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children? If I didn’t have my son, I would. He is a blessing.
88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children? Right now I am. I would like to get off hormonal BC. If I was to get married again and my husband and I decided not to have kids, I would want him to agree to get a vasectomy for the sake of my health.
88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally? Since I have a child, I would not undergo fertility treatments. I would definitely consider adoption.
90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion? I don’t think the government should tell any woman what to do with her body. Personally I believe that babies are a gift from God. I would not personally choose to have an abortion unless it would compromise my health but I also would not judge a woman who chose to do so for whatever her reason. I think that a husband should have a say. An equal say? No. A say? Yes.
91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption? No
92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family? I think it’s important.
93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer? I think that there is what we would like and what is reality. I wanted to breast feed. I have a glandular development problem and couldn’t produce more than 2oz at a time even with a hospital grade pump so I pumped for three months and breast fed while simultaneously giving formula. I would have given my right arm to do more. But I was thankful for what I could do. As for going back to work, I would have liked more time at home but I was the primary breadwinner and had no choice but to go back when my son was 5 weeks old.
94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)? Discipline is hard. I am still learning. I grew up with one sibling, very close in age, and what worked for me did not work for him. I have a hard time disciplining my son. I try time out and taking away privileges but he has also received a spank or two.
95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child?s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools? Absolutely. I think their opinions should be heard and considered but that the parents are the ultimate decision makers and the children, while they may not understand, need to respect that. My parents moved us a lot growing up and they listened to us bitch about it and empathized, sharing their own concerns. That made us feel better even though we hated it.
96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation? Yes, absolutely. Even if they choose something else I think you need a moral foundation. Most religions have the same basic tenets when you examine them – love your neighbor, don’t lie/cheat/steal, etc. I think those are important lessons and also that the church provides comfort in times of need.
97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior? I think they should be treated the same as girls. I think society should loosen up on girls a bit as well but I also think boys shouldn’t get away with so much “boys will be boys” behavior.
96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active? Yes, absolutely.
97. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends? It would depend on why I didn’t like them. Are they posing a danger? Are they bad influences? Or are they just annoying little brats?
100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children? I think that the step-parent should have a say and should be respected but I think that the birth parent should lay down the law on important issues for their own kids to avoid step-parent resentment. But I’m not a step-parent so what do I know?
101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it?s your choice, or does your partner have a say? Yes and I would make the choice with my partner.
102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? My opinion of my ex-husband changed quite a bit once we had our son. We have very different ideas about how to raise and educate boys.
EXTENDED FAMILIES
103. Are you close to your family? Yes, in a weird kind of way.
104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family? My brother and I are not close. My father’s side of the family and I have a weird dynamic.
105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family? I have a difficult time setting limits with everybody.
106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past?the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you? Yes, but I am not sharing it here.
107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other?s families? Very important.
106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges? Screaming, hitting, and carrying grudges. Followed by therapy.
109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions? Probably too much.
110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband would say so.
FRIENDS
111. Do you have a “best friend”? Yes, Ashante.
112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day? No, but I think of them often.
113. Are your friendships as important to you as your life partner is? No, but I think friendships are important.
114. If your friends need you, are you there for them? I’d like to think so. I have been there for some and I have let others down. I try.
115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends? At least to accept if not like.
116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common? Yes
117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends? Yes, but not as much as with family.
118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband broke up almost all of my old friendships after we married.
PETS
119. Are you an animal lover? I like cats.
120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet? I have Shirley, who we got after I filed for divorce. My parents have Chai and Sutzi.
121. Is your attitude ?Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]?? No, but I wouldn’t want someone who hated Shirley.
122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal? Never!
123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship? No, pets are part of the family.
124. Do you consider pets members of your family? Yes.
125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner?s relationship with a pet? No.
126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? No, although I resented the fact that my ex-husband wouldn’t let me get a cat because he didn’t want hair on his clothes.
POLITICS
127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action? Liberal. My parents believed in social justice and standing up for what is right, especially as a Christian.
128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved? Democrat. No.
128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election? I vote in every election. I think it is a duty.
130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage? Perhaps.
131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised? Yes, but that is why more people from those groups need to get involved in politics and make their voices heard.
132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women?s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.). Civil rights, human rights, gay rights, parental leave, equal pay, healthcare
133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? No
COMMUNITY
134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community? Yes
135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home? Meh… It would depend on the neighbor.
136. Do you regularly participate in community projects? I did in DC. I don’t so much now.
137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors? No.
138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor? No.
139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)? I don’t go nuts but, yes, I try to be considerate.
CHARITY
140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity? Very important
141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity? I like to support charities that perform a service for the public, such as legal clinics, refugee assistance clinics, literacy organizations, etc. I also support healthcare research.
142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the ?haves? of the world to help the ?have-nots?? Yes, I do. I also feel that it the have nots should be helped and educated to grow, be helped and return to help others.
143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband said “what do we get from them”? I did it anyway behind his back. He also bitched every single time I went to volunteer. I usually went anyway, but less than I did before we were married.
MILITARY
144. Have you served in the military? No
145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military? Only my grandparents
146. Would you want your children to serve in the military? No
147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action? Nonviolent. I prefer service work with NGOs.
148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? No.
THE LAW
149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person? Yes
150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it? I speed far too much. I know I need to get that under control!!
151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what? Never
152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why? Never
153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances? Only in administrative proceedings against a dentist for malpractice.
154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened. Yes. No comment.
156. Do you believe it?s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes? Yes
156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why? No
157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Yes
MEDIA
158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)? Washingtgon Post online, radio, local newspaper, several magazines
159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is? I believe but also question occasionally
100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news? Sometimes
161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? No
RELIGION
162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you? Yes. I believe there is a higher power and that it is common to all of us, regardless of the religion we practice.
163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life? I am Episcopalian. I am attending a community church with my son right now because that is where our DivorceCare group is held right before services and I can’t make it to the Episcopal church in time.
164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque? We belonged to the Anglican church and then Episcopal here in the US.
185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised? No.
166. Do you believe in life after death? I believe that our souls go to Heaven when we die. I’m not certain if I believe in reincarnation. I do not believe in hell as in a place. I think of hell as not going to Heaven.
167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner? Episcopalians are pretty go with the flow. As long as my partner doesn’t take on multiple wives, we’re okay.
168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person? I identify as a Christian. I think I am spiritual. I am still figuring it all out.
169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion? I meditate.
170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs? I would like to marry someone who has been raised Christian, whether they practice or not, and understands the faith.
171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion? Fairly important.
172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice? Not as much as it probably should be.
173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband detested organized religion so much that he refused to ever get married in the church. I would want to marry someone who would at least allow a church ceremony because that broke my mother’s heart. The church is a large part of my parents’ lives.
CULTURE
174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life? Um… I don’t think so?
175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities? Only if I happen to see People in a waiting room or in the lunchroom at work.
176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it’s because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?) Maybe more exciting. Probably not better. We all make our own destiny.
177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home? I like both but I prefer cuddling on the couch.
178. What is your favorite style of music? Country.
179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians? When I win free tickets.
180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows? Yes
181. Do you like to dance? Yes. Ballroom dancing was one of my favorite classes in undergrad.
182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment? Yes
183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? No
LEISURE
184. What is your idea of a fun day? One spent with people I love. I also love any day where I can read a book from start to finish!
185. Do you have a hobby that?s important to you? I love to read. I enjoy writing and blogging.
186. Do you enjoy spectator sports? I could take them or leave them.
187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports? I don’t even know when these things start or end.
168. What activities do you enjoy that don?t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities? Working on this. I think it’s important to have separate activities. I might join a book club.
189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities? Not a lot. I usually use the library for books unless they are ones I want to keep permanently.
190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling? No
191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Ask me after baseball season (ha ha, just teasing Blue Eyes.) No, but my ex-husband would only allow me to do what he wanted to do in our off time so I lost a lot of myself. He hated when I would sit on the couch and read while he watched TV. He wanted me to watch with him and used to berate me for my “stupid books.” Then he decided I was addicted to my computer when I started blogging and used to slam the lid on my fingers. Sigh…
192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you?ll do something wrong or people won?t have a good time? The latter. I like going out in a group but I am not a big fan of hosting because I worry too much.
193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you? I like to get out but I am a homebody. Still, I can see the need to network and have friends and I always enjoy myself so I think it’s good to accept invitations.
194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home? I like to go out occasionally.
195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present? It depends on the event. I would like my spouse/partner to be willing to be present when necessary.
196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people? I socialize with a diverse mix of people.
197. Are you usually the ?life of the party,” or do you dislike being singled out for attention? I am not the life of the party. Somewhere in the middle.
198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other?s behavior at a social function? Definitely. My ex hated social functions and would bitch the whole way home. It made life miserable.
199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? See above. Definitely.
HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS
286. Which (if any) holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate? I think it is important to express your feelings on a daily basis. I can take or leave any holiday. There are none that really mean much to me. I do try to make Father’s Day special for my ex-husband and he was pretty good about helping our son make Mother’s Day special for me. I’m more about the sentiment than anything else. I would be the kind of person who wouldn’t care if my family wanted to do Christmas the week after just to save some money on gifts. Not really into big celebrations.
201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays? Not really. We’ve moved so much. We are developing Christmas tradition but I always end up working so much that it just sort of flies by.
202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries? This was the first year I had a birthday party since I was 18. Not important. I do think anniversaries are important, but only for the two people.
203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship? No.
TRAVEL / VACATIONS
204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody? I love to travel.
205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning? I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of vacationer.
206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses? I am supposed to budget that stuff?
207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it’s wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places? I enjoyed visiting my ex-husband’s family in Guatemala. I loved going to Germany because of all the historic architecture. I would love to see more of Europe. I’ve been to Mexico a few times and could definitely enjoy seeing more of Latin America. I don’t think spending money on vacations is wasteful. You get a lifetime of memories.
206. Do you think it’s important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language? Yes, definitely. It’s the only way to really appreciate the culture.
209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? It wasn’t a factor in our divorce but my ex-husband only wanted to travel to Guatemala each year. It made sense because he wanted to see his family but it sucked because we had to spend all of our vacation and a LOT of money to go there every year or two and that precluded other vacations. Still, I understood and would have continued to do it.
EDUCATION
210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame? I have a BA in Sociology and am pursuing a JD. I am proud of my education.
211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession? Yes, I love to learn more. I read every book out there when I am interested in something. You should have seen me when I was pregnant. 
212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn?t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship? My ex-husband had a sixth grade education. He was very smart about a lot of things. There were some things he was very ignorant about because he had not been taught but he had an ingrained intelligence. So I do not think that college graduates are smarter, but I do think that it is helpful to be exposed to things you would otherwise not experience by going to college or pursuing other learning.
213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education? If I was wealthy, I might consider it. There are some excellent programs out there. That said, I think it is very important to be exposed to a variety of different people in life so I think public school is better preparation for the real world.
214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband didn’t understand why I wanted to put our son in the more expensive Montessori over the cheaper daycare where they would sit him in front of TV all day. This was one of many educational debates we had (whether it mattered, whether it was worth the expense, etc.) So, yes, that was a source of conflict for us.
TRANSPORTATION
215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car? I own a car. I might consider not having one if I lived in an urban environment.
216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your ?castle?? No, as long as it is safe and functional.
217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car? When I have money.
218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all? If public transportation would get me to my job and back, I would drive my car less but I live in a very suburban area and need it on the weekends.
219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car? Very little and I could care less who drives it.
220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool? An hour each way. UGH!
221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket? I drive too fast and I probably don’t pay enough attention to the road. I have received one speeding ticket in my life.
222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? No.
COMMUNICATION
223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day? Too much (thanks to work!) I am not much of a phone person.
224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry? I have a BlackBerry.
225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails? I belong to a birth board and used to be very active. I also formed a group for working mothers when my son was born and was very involved in that. These days I am not very involved in much.
226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why? No
227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person? Hahaha. Communicator!
228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry? If I’m not in the mood or if I am having sex.
229. Has modern communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? My ex-husband hated that I used my computer when I got home at night. But he also hated me reading. So I couldn’t win.
MEALTIME
230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run? I am impatient. I tend to eat on the run.
231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? I do not love to cook. I do, however, love to eat.
232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner? Yes, on certain nights.
233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions? I am lactose intolerant and cannot eat fried foods. I am supposed to follow a high protein/low carb diet. It’s harder now living with my parents.
234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love? Yes
235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you? Yes
236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? No
GENDER ROLE
237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this? I think each partner should sign up for the ones they like and then they should split the rest. I always took out the garbage because Chapin would leave too early and my car would be blocking the bins. He might have been stronger but it was more practical for me to do it. My Granddad would have backed out my car, moved the bins and put the car back in because it’s “the man’s job.” I’m glad Chapin was more modern than that. He also changed diapers, did laundry, and stayed home with our son when he was an infant.
238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of? I believe marriages should be partnerships. I like to be taken care of and to be given control over certain things.
239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by ?equality.? Too much to write and discuss.
240. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement? Absolutely
241. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well? My parents believed women could do anything men could do.
242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup? Sort of
RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES
243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child? Long story and hands are hurting
244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed? Long story and hands are hurting
245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life? Current work environment is much closer to UN. Personal life is even more close to the UN.
246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person? I would be happy if he was happy.
247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren?t born biased, we learn it, and it?s important to trace where it was learned.) Yes. I try to pay attention to my feelings and actions in this area.
248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship? Yes. My ex-husband had issues with African Americans. My nephew is African American. It was a problem for me.
249. What were your family?s views of race, ethnicity, and difference? My parents are from different cultures. My uncle is also a different race/culture. My parents were fairly accepting. Less so when my brother got a girl pregnant, but that was more of a socioeconomic issue, I think. Still, it was eye-opening to see their reaction.
250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference? No, as long as we can agree on some basics.
251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship? Yes
LIVING EVERY DAY
252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person? Night
213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you? No
254 Are you a physically affectionate person? Yes
255. What is your favorite season of the year? Fall
256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw? Withdraw
257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household? Equal
258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action? I try to be easygoing but the reality is that I’m a worrier and I prefer a firm plan. I can be flexible but I like to anticipate.
256. How much sleep do you need every night? Apparently more than I am getting.
260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations? I try to shower every day because my hair tends to get oily. Clean clothes aren’t as much of an issue, except underwear.
261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation? A day in bed with a good book
262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you?re really angry? Being ignored, lied to or cheated on. I usually cry.
263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful? Being praised, appreciated or complimented. Spending time with my son. I usually do something to reciprocate.
264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities? Lots of things make me insecure. Silence. Ambiguity. Anger. Beauty. Confidence. I try to do positive self-talk about reality.
265. What makes you most secure? My family, my son. My brain used to make me secure until I lost my mind.
266. Do you fight fair? How do you know? Probably not.
267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens? Long story and hands are hurting
268. What is your greatest limitation? My health
269. What is your greatest strength? My heart
270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage? Trust
271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality? Learn to trust myself and others and not worry so much
272. What makes you most afraid? I don’t truly believe that anyone will want me with all my baggage – health, kid, crazy family, insecurities/fear, etc.
273. What drains you of your joy and passion? Mean people
274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit? Kind people, music, time with my son, love
275. What makes your heart smile in tough times? My son
276. What makes you feel the most alive? Sex. Running around with my son. Driving with the windows down. Sitting on the beach watching the waves.
