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Archive for January 12th, 2009

Hey, Jeff Mac

12 Jan

So I’ve been reading Jeff Mac’s awesome new book, Manslations: Decoding the Secret Language of Men, based on his blog. Go, buy one. Now! It is fantastic and hilarious. Jeff is a stand-up comedian and his book offers practical, straightforward advice on what men are really thinking. His golden rule is as follows: If there is a conflict between what he says and what he does, ignore what he says. Man, I wish I’d read this a few years ago. Unlike a book by another male romance columnist I read a few months ago, this guy seems sincere like that non-gay male best friend you always wanted to have in high school who would let you in on the secret. The other book was written by an admitted player and even though it had some good tips, it still felt like his ultimate loyalty was to the brotherhood and that somehow there were hidden tricks. Jeff’s book doesn’t have that feel. It’s funny, down-to-earth, honest and direct.

Other awesome advice that makes perfect sense the way Jeff puts it (buy the book to read the rational explanation for each of these): “No man has ever, ever stopped going out with a woman as a result of 1) feelings that were too strong and frightened him, 2) fear of getting close to someone he really likes because he’s been hurt before, 3) being intimidated by a challenging woman (nope, you’re a jerk, not a “challenge”).” Nice.

Also, the Manslations answer to “We had a great date. Should I call him?” is as follows: “If you want to call him, call him. If he likes you, it will help, and if he doesn’t…uh…who cares? If it’s been more than 2 days, though, don’t bother. He didn’t think your date was “great.” No, there are no exceptions.”

But here’s my question for Jeff: seriously, is every man filing me away in their sex fantasy database? (p. 39). EW. I don’t believe you. Really. I don’t believe you. Maybe that’s why men avert their eyes when they talk to me? Seriously, though, the radio had a thing on today about fantasies and I was wondering this. When men fantasize, do they see the woman’s face or just her body? The radio was talking about women’s top 10 fantasies (cowboy, actor, doctor, pirate, etc.) and I was thinking about the reality and wondering this. I know that when I fantasize, it’s usually a sensation thing. It might be a place (up against the car door, on a blanket in the woods, etc.), but 99% of the time it is with the person I am actually sleeping with and it is more about the sensation that would result in than the way they look in the fantasy. I may notice cute guys around but I have never had a dream about one. Sure, I’ve had the occasional dream about a coworker but it’s usually a discussion and rarely sexual. Are men really having sex dreams about all of the women they meet and, if so, I need to know more. Are they imagining us as we are when they see us or are they merging several women together? I just don’t get this. And, again, I just don’t believe you. Even my ex-husband would pick a different race and type of girl for his porn (but that could just mean he “wasn’t that into me”) so I need to understand this. And my current guy seems to have a thing for busty blonde white trailer girls, which makes me feel super confident. Do you think guys can have a “fantasy” type and a reality type? Or is their fantasy type the type they really want and if she comes along he’s out of there?

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Posted in Dating

Shit Sandwich

12 Jan

Warning: Whinefest

Blue Eyes told me a few months ago that seeing your ex with a new person is like eating a shit sandwich because it is horrible but you have to stand there and take it. He was right. Chapin hasn’t met Blue Eyes yet but I had to meet Chapin’s girlfriend this weekend as he finally retrieved his things from the $150/month climate-controlled storage unit I’d been renting for him (will I ever see that money back? Doubtful.) What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t jealousy that I would feel, but a deep, soul-wrenching hurt and self-doubt.

Have I ever mentioned that every man I’ve ever dated was asked out by me? Yep, I’m forward. What can I say? That’s not completely true. I did “date” a few in the summer and earlier in life who asked me out but those were one-time things that either ended with one fun evening and a goodbye or an “Ew, hell no” followed by psycho stalking on their side, not long-term relationships. Ignoring first boyfriend “DJ the Rapist”, there was Matt the “older man” who I fell for during a student exchange trip to Germany. I clubbed him over the head with my wanton ways, made out with him on a transatlantic flight (and got yelled at in front of the whole plane by a classmate – ) and then lost him to a beautiful young thing he had loved all through high school. She was thin and quiet with long brown hair, big breasts and a sweet smile. I remember how shy and uncommunicative he was during the 8 months we dated and then when he finally asked Ann out it was like he came alive. That was the first time I realized that men do have that capability but only with the right person to turn on the switch.

Had a few flings in between, but next up was my first lover at 18, a man whose name I have apparently blocked from my memory. We worked together and I adored him. He was handsome, sweet and, best of all, indulged my silly outdoor fantasies. We dated for a year and then he admitted that he had cheated on me with a waitress at the restaurant where he worked, several times. I was humiliated and devastated.

At college I clubbed a few guys over the head to get them to take me out a few times, went on several Match.com dates but basically was alone until I met Chapin. He teased me, I took him seriously, I asked him out. We dated for 9 months and then moved in together so that he could get out from his cramped apartment and I could get away from my parents’ house. I won’t get into the details of it all but a few months later I asked him to marry me. He said “You don’t have to do that.” And stupid, codependent me insisted that we do it to save him from a bad situation and because, since we were living together, “of course” we would get married eventually. Yep, despite the high(er) self-esteem in work, school, sexuality and other things, my romantic life is my weak area when it comes to confidence. Eight years later and I’ve been slept with and unceremoniously dumped via Internet blocking and no further contact, gone the FWB route only to have the guy decide he preferred to “return to God”, slept with a separated man who couldn’t get it up (ugh), slept with the weird “all you need is me, baby” guy and then asked out Blue Eyes who is a great guy and a lot of fun and puts up with me even as I go through this craziness (he knows I’m nuts and just goes along for the ride and he’s heard all of this before). In the meantime, I need to figure out how to feel like the people I’m with actually want to be with me rather than feeling like I’m just a pasatiempo until something better comes along, as I have been with so many of them (okay, all of them).

The shit sandwich was Chapin’s choice of girlfriend. Some of you know the full story but the other part of it is that she is really pretty. Thin, large breasts, long dark hair and a huge smile. Just like the Lucious Latin Ladies on the porn DVDs he left behind for me to find as I was cleaning up the house. So I guess I should have listened to him when he told me I “didn’t have to” marry him. Or perhaps I should have kicked him out earlier when he brought home evidence of his affair. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here eating shit, feeling blue and wondering if anyone will ever really, truly want what I have to offer, which I feel like is a lot but perhaps not? Blue Eyes and I went out with my parents this weekend and my mother would not stop ripping my Dad a new one in public. My biggest fear is that I will act like that someday. Maybe I already do. I’ve heard that strong, direct women intimidate men. I’m certainly strong and direct but I don’t think I’m a bitch by any means. But something’s making them look for someone else.

Yes, I am going back to the therapist tomorrow for the first time since Thanksgiving. Haven’t been due to finals, Christmas, etc., and boy do I have a lot to share starting with the horrible all-night dream I had this weekend where all the damn self help books I’ve been reading ganged up on me and played mind games all night long. Ick. And I have to update her on Chapin. Sigh… Will this post-divorce rollercoaster ever let me off?