| I love this tongue-in-cheek book (and calendar and coupon book) by Cambridge Women’s Cooperative. Porn for Women
Archive for January 2nd, 2009
I’m going to start the year with a list of all the things for which I am grateful. Hopefully this time next year I will be able to come back and add a bunch more.
1. Pumpkinhead – the greatest gift of all. He makes me laugh, keeps me on my toes and adores me, as I do him.
2. My Dad – he might be crazy but he has always taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to and has always looked at me like I’m the crazy one if I express any doubt about my career or educational goals, almost like, “Of course you can! Why wouldn’t you be able to do ___?” He came to all my events, concerts, etc., when I was growing up even though he was busy with his job and always made me feel like I was important. I want a man like my Dad. Not like my Dad as he is as a husband to my Mom, necessarily, but a man who makes me feel the way my Dad always made me feel – like the things I do are awesome and unique and amazing accomplishments.
3. My Mom – she drives me nuts but she has been my biggest source of support this year with Pumpkinhead. Even though she has had so many reasons to just dive under the covers and hide herself, she has done everything she could to help me and Pumpkinhead get through this year, from cooking dinner to playing games to singing goodnight songs when I just wanted to hide in my room. I can’t ever tell her how much I appreciate all she has done for me.
4. Blue Eyes – what can I say, he makes me smile. 
And, even more important, he makes my kid smile.
5. My Friends – there’s a country song called “You Find Out Who Your Friends Are.” Well this year I really did. I had so many friends come out of the woodwork and step up to call and check on me, send regular e-mails or just the occasional Facebook poke to make sure I was okay. I also had some who disappeared because I was too stressed to keep up what must have been a one-sided friendship. I thank God for my friends.
6. My Classmates – I had a bad experience towards the end of the semester and was, well, sort of shocked how many of them wrote me private notes coming to my defense. There really are some awesome future attorneys in my section.
7. My Blog Readers — As in #5 and #6, I had so many people jump up and come to my aid this year, offering outlines or a shoulder or other types of help. I cannot possibly thank you all enough. It’s hard to really “know” a person on a blog because you tend to get only one side and, with me, it’s often the whiny, downer side (not that there’s been much of the other side to share this year). But I really appreciate those of you who stuck with me and kept commenting, keeping me company and showing me I’m not alone in this journey. It is your support and compassion, and that of my friends and classmates, that gives me faith in my commitment to become a lawyer and my ability to stick to that goal. I will do everything I can over this next semester off to get in the right place physically, mentally and emotionally to return to it.
Thank you all.
The National Law Journal has an article about how some major granting organizations, including the JEHT Foundation, were hit incredibly hard by the Madoff Ponzi scheme. Unfortunately JEHT is a large funder of public interest legal groups and law schools nationwide. One of the ones close to my heart that has just lost a $720,000 grant is the National Immigrant Justice Center. Please consider visiting them today to make a donation or perhaps, if you are an attorney, law student or paralegal in an area served by one of the public interest organizations listed by the National Law Journal, go volunteer your services to help soften the blow.
Some of the biggest hits were taken by the ACLU, whose current grant is $680,000; Brandeis University’s International Center for Ethics, Justice and Public Life, whose current grant is $600,000; the Center for International Environmental Law, whose current grant is $600,000; and Heartland Human Care Services’ National Immigrant Justice Center, whose current grant is $720,000, according to the JEHT. The Center for Constitutional Rights, halfway through a $300,000 grant, was devastated by the news.
January 2nd, 2009 Posted at Health
Maybe instead of worrying about all the drama, as listed here, I will just read this book and try to live it (as my first therapist, the new age healer, recommended way back in March of last year):
Not sure if my ego will let me (as Mr. Tolle says), but I suppose it doesn’t hurt to try…
The New York Times has a depressing article today that basically says any changes you resolve to make in 2009 will probably fail or, if they succeed, will revert back within a few years (a la Oprah’s weight). They do mention four more successful strategies for making permanent changes, which I like to call the Balls-to-the-Walls plan for change:
The first, he said, is to “start with big changes, not small ones,” a strategy likely to yield immediate, noticeable benefits that inspire more positive change.
The second is to act like the kind of person you are trying to become; even if you hit the jogging trail with 30 pounds of flab, think of yourself as the jock you want to be.
The third strategy is to “reframe” the situation. Recovering alcoholics, for example, have a higher chance of success if they reframe their sober life as a divorce from a tumultuous love affair with drinking, because they can then look back at their old life as a romantic adventure, rather than a sinkhole of regret.
The fourth, and crucial, strategy, he said, is based on the “don’t do it alone” advice that is the bedrock of 12-step programs.
I know I want 2009 to be different. So here are my “life change goals for 2009″.
Find a Neuropathy Treatment Plan that Works
I know I want to get a handle on this health thing as much as possible. I’m starting on Monday with yet another EMG and Nerve Conduction Study. This should tells us if the neuropathy has progressed in my arms to include the ulnar nerve (behind elbow) because I am having a lot of numbness/pain in my fourth/fifth fingers of each hand. They will also redo my legs because I keep tripping when I wake up in the morning and cannot feel my feet. On the plus side, the Zonisamide and Cymbalta cocktail seems to be working well for my pain. Cannot tell you why they aren’t working on my tears, however, since both are indicated to assist with mood. Oh well… I’m “reframing” it this way: if I wasn’t on the medication, I would be in pain AND probably slitting my wrists. If I think I’m depressed now, imagine my life drug-free? 
Anyway, the neurologist says the EMG results will help me know where the nerve damage is but that there is nothing they can do to fix it or reverse it. Not sure why I’m having the test… except that I know that keeping track of the progression of things is important for a variety of reasons so fine. And if this drug cocktail works for the neuropathy, I guess I will stay on it and adjust my expectations to understand that this is not a fixable thing but rather a lifelong thing I just have to suck up and deal with. And at least I am not having seizures like my friend, Beth (MeltingMama).
And that reminds me that I must remember to tell the neurologist that I am still having the stupid vertigo when I drive around sharp curves. It also happened New Year’s Eve when I tried to play one of those race car games at the arcade so it’s really motion – can’t watch PowerPoints either. I sat down for about 10 seconds in front of the game and almost passed out.
Dental Health
I floss and brush and rinse and generally take care of my teeth like a madwoman. And they are rotting from the inside out, apparently as a side effect of the IV iron treatments I had for 10 weeks back in 2006 as well as from the Topamax and other anti-seizure meds (dry mouth = tooth enemy #1). Monday afternoon is a buildup and crown on the tooth I had root canaled right before Christmas. I went in Friday for another filling. After Monday’s appointment, I have one more tooth that needs to be filled and possibly root canaled and then my mouth will be back to “normal”. In terms of 2009 dental health, I resolve to see my dentist every three months as she now recommends and to use the Biotene dry mouth rinse and special (read: expensive) toothpaste to try to counteract my mouth’s desire to put me in the poor house.
Nutrition
I need to go back to my PCP for bloodwork to check my levels. I’ve switched to the “good” vitamins (read: more expensive) and it is now time to see if they made a difference. If not, it is back to the regular (neither cheap nor super-expensive) ones since nothing seems to make a difference. If all of the work I have done over the past year in terms of splitting out my vitamins into certain times of day hasn’t helped, I don’t know what to do next. I’ll take it as it comes but I do intend to take some of the time I have off of school to focus on this.
Physical Health
I would feel a lot better if I got out and did some exercise. I intend to do so. Blue Eyes and I played basketball on New Year’s Eve and it was a ton of fun. I told him I would enjoy doing that together more often so we’re going to do it. He also gave me his stair stepper and I have several new yoga and other exercise DVDs I need to unwrap and use. Cleaning my room up to make space would help!
Journaling
So I’m reading all of these books, doing this therapy, etc., and trying to figure out what I want and need. This is really, really hard for me. In 2009 I am going to make a commitment to keep a daily journal of how I am feeling so that I can better understand. This may sound weird to those of you who don’t think this way but I tend to go with what others are feeling (people pleaser) and I honestly have a hard time knowing what I want or how I am truly feeling. So my therapist said I need to start writing down my gut reaction at the moment it happens so I’m aware of it and then can review it at the end of the day to try to put it in some sort of context and eventually understand what I wanted to do, what I did out of obligation, etc. I’ll give it a go.
Love
See above. I am enjoying myself. Until I second-guess myself. Or until a behavior emerges that scares me, reminds me of my ex-husband or one of my family members, and makes me wonder if I’m repeating destructive patterns. So one voice in my head says “You are going to repeat the same mistakes!” and the other voice says, “Are you crazy? This guy is sweet and sensible and you like him, his kids, his parents, his family. He makes you smile and you enjoy spending time with him. Your son thinks he is awesome. You are the crazy one.” Then another voice says, “Why are you worrying so much? Second-guessing or trying to predict the future? Enjoy today. You rock and there are 10,000 fishes in the sea. If this one is destined to be something wonderful, great. If he’s destined to be just a friend, also fine. Chill girl. Take one day at a time.” Then I look at my son and I want to crawl under my bed and not come out until my head is on straight and I know WTF I am doing. Sometimes I can understand the girl in my DivorceCare group who has been divorced three years and not dated once because she’s worried about screwing up her kids. Then there’s my libido… um, yeah, that won’t work. I think I am going to spend some of this six month break from law school to try to take T’s recommended “A Course in Miracles.” T says:
I have learned from A Course in Miracles that it is better to choose the content of what you would like to happen in your life rather than the form. Once we focus on the form, we get so bogged down with exactly how its supposed to be that we don’t notice the beauty in what is actually happening.
Work and Law School
I spent all day yesterday in bed. Literally. I slept until 10:30, spent an hour on the couch with Blue Eyes, drove home and got back in bed. Slept until 11, ate soup, went back to sleep until 8 a.m. I am hopeful that my brain will start to want to function on a higher level soon. I know that I need to figure out what I am doing with life. I love my job. I enjoy law school (well, sort of). But what am I doing? I don’t know. One of my main 2009 goals is to figure that out. What do I want to do? And can I do it without ending up rocking in a corner with crazy hair and a line of drool down my cheek?
Pumpkinhead
My most important life change in 2009 is to figure out what is best for Pumpkinhead. I think he is actually doing the best because most of the energy I have goes to him (and any reserves). He is happy living with his Mimi and Granddad (even when Granddad is going insane) and doesn’t seem bothered by his father’s absence. But if his father goes to jail or leaves the country, that may change… I have received legal advice on that score and will have some very tough decisions to make in the next few weeks. Ultimately the advice I received from legal counselors and from family and friends is that Pumpkinhead comes first and any decisions I make, be it about his father, his health, his schooling or his residence must be with his long-term best interests at heart and not based on what anyone else wants or thinks is right. He is my sweet baby and you can bet if anything keeps me up at night it is whether the decisions I am making are the right ones for him but so far I feel confident that he is doing well and that both he and I are doing the best we can.
January 2nd, 2009 Posted at Health, Mommy stuff
…you exchange self-help literature for Christmas. Or perhaps they are all trying to tell me something? From my father, I received Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone
I gave my Dad An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
