My brother called at like 2 p.m. and said, “Did you hear about your nephew?” My heart sank, “What?” He said, “He is in the ER with a collapsed lung.” THAT IS IT, WORLD. I take the message. I am done. Finito. Over.
The Very Wise Ms. ProtoAttorney (and others before her, but now I’m ready to listen) said to me today:
Is taking some time off of law school an option? I know you probably just want to be done and get it over with and move on, but sometimes just simplifying and cutting everything unessential to survival is the best thing you can for yourself. A few years back, I had a pretty shitty year (not your level of shitty year), and as much as I hated to do it, I took a semester off school, saved some money, did some soul-searching, and it put my head and heart back in the game. Maybe you need an opportunity to hang with Blue Eyes, spend time with other friends, splurge on a spa day, etc. Defer those loans for hardship reasons, I bet you could get it.
Gonna do it. Have an appointment with my neurologist on December 1, so sometime before that I will head over to the Dean’s office and get the medical absence paperwork. I am going to give myself (and Pumpkinhead) the break we deserve and help him through this first Kindergarten year and have a fun summer, complete with beach trips and vacations. I’m going to read books for pleasure, go to the gym (!!) and keep trying to get my head and heart on straight with the help of my therapist and DivorceCare groups.
My friend, Fred, told me this morning that when you feel like the walls are going up all around you and you can’t climb out of the bottomless pit, you should reframe it as God surrounding you with a padded room (haha) to keep you safe in your fragile state and show you that you need a break. So I am going to listen, finally, and take a break to spend time with me. And if I can spend more time focusing on my increasingly super-busy job, all the better. I really, really love it and hate being pulled in so many directions right now.
It’s 8 p.m. Pumpkinhead and I skipped the school event and picked up pizza, a movie and Nintendo game for him, and a movie for me. I’ve taken yet another anti-anxiety pill to try to calm my nerves. Now I am in bed and I am going to relax and BREATHE.