This weekend was one of the most eventful I’ve had in a while. Blue Eyes’ mother saw me naked, the words “tap that ass” came out of my mouth, I learned more about female-on-horse porn than I could ever have wanted to know, I got hit on by a super-drunk Mexican and I got so sick that I think my ears were the only orifice not leaking some bodily fluid. Hmmm. Doesn’t that make you want to hear all about it?

So the weekend started out innocently enough. I spent Friday night catching up on my full DVR and cuddling with my boy. Saturday morning was launched with the most awesome full-body massage I’ve had in a long time followed by delicious sex (not with the masseuse – LOL) and the first time my innocent (ha,ha) ears have heard the term “early morning wood.” (Ah, the hilarity that comes from sleeping with men who actually speak English). One thing led to another and the next thing I knew I was on a 78-mile motorcycle ride to Blue Eyes’ brother’s lake house on the other side of town with nothing more than my iPod, driver’s license, debit card and a smile. The ride was a blast, albeit a bit scary (still trying not to worry about flying headfirst onto the pavement).

We arrived at the lake house where Blue Eyes’ brother and his fiance spend their weekends away from the city. It is such a cool place with balconies on each floor of the three-story townhouse. We took a ride on the golf cart down by the water to see the lighthouse and Blue Eyes’ brother told me the romantic story of his proposal to his fiance. Then it was back to the house to hang out with Blue Eyes’ parents, aunt, uncle and a bunch of dogs. We sat out on the patio, enjoyed the balcony view, and generally relaxed. Some how I also ended up having an extended conversation about porn.

Cut to 5 p.m. I was sipping iced tea and chatting with the ladies as Blue Eyes’ mother seasoned hamburger patties for dinner. Then I made the fatal error of asking what on earth you make with Root Beer Schnapps. Next thing I knew, I was chugging (as best as my bypassed stomach can) a glass of beer with a Root Beer Schnapps shot at the bottom. Then I dug myself in a deeper hole by accepting the icy, fruity drink Blue Eyes’ future SIL handed me. Little did I know it was far more alcohol than juice. I knocked it back very quickly and accepted a second. Next thing I knew it, was 5:20 and I’d just regaled the ladies with my pre-marriage dance-atop-the-gay-bar-bar hussy tales. I may even have made an inappropriate-but-positive comment about a certain part of Blue Eyes’ anatomy. Sigh…

At 5:25, I bobbed-and-weaved over to where Blue Eyes was sitting on the couch. I think I threw up on his leg (which, with a bypassed stomach, means I spit up maybe 1/2 an ounce on him). Ugh. He dragged me to the bathroom where the truly embarrassing trauma started. I don’t drink like that. The last time I got sick after drinking, I was 17 and mixed a Tanquerey & Tonic with a Mudslide. I should have remembered the old “Beer before liquor, never sicker” rule. Thus began the comedy of errors during which every bodily fluid I have ended up on some part of Blue Eyes. LOVELY. That’s the TMI part. Then my mother called to bitch me out for leaving Pumpkinhead with a sitter. Of course I couldn’t answer so Blue Eyes did and got quite the earful from my angry parents who think I am 29-going-on-4 and wanted to come pick me up. Then the future SIL came in to check on me and somehow my shirt and pants and underwear came off in the process. Blue Eyes’ mom was next to come check out the naked, drunk, fluid-covered mess of a girlfriend her son had brought over. UGH. Good thing she is wicked cool! Still, I was lucid enough to cringe. It was at some point during all this, laughing slightly I’m sure, that Blue Eyes snapped this picture with my camera phone:

Isn’t he sweet? Sigh… Yes, actually, he rocks. He cleaned me up and got me through the crowd of people upstairs to the shower. After giving me his brother’s shirt and some super-low-cut ass-hugging capris, he set me up on the futon in the second floor guest room and only made fun of me a little outside on the patio, “Can’t wait to see her blog post about this one!” Hmmph.

I woke up around midnight feeling a little dizzy but otherwise much better and made my way downstairs. Everyone was really sweet and forgiving and I apologized profusely for my lack of judgment. I drank three heavy-duty drinks in 20 minutes. If one bite of bacon makes me sick, you can imagine what three drinks would do. Fortunately I think I got it all out. Blue Eyes says I only puked about a total of one cup of fluid (thank God for acidless altered tummies) but I felt fine this morning and only a bit dizzy/dehydrated last night. I sat up watching Sleepless in Seattle while the rest of the by-now super-drunk crowd headed down to the water to fish. Blue Eyes, who had not drank, caught a bass! And this random Mexican neighbor that was hanging with the family kept hitting on me and future SIL, drunker than you could imagine, kept making inappropriate almost-racist comments to him but he sure didn’t leave. After everyone went to bed, Blue Eyes and I cuddled on the couch until around 4 a.m. and then wandered upstairs to sleep on the futon… next to his parents who were sleeping on an airbed his brother had set up next to the futon. Talk about capping off a wild night. LOL.

Fortunately I was much better this morning. I made coffee and oatmeal and dragged Blue Eyes out of bed so we could get going. After bidding everyone farewell, we set back out for another 1.5-hour motorcycle ride back home. I swear, the last time my legs were in that position for that long was when I gave birth to Pumpkinhead. I got off the bike hobbling and aching. Fortunately Blue Eyes figured out a way to help me work out the stiff hips.

This afternoon was super-productive. Cleaned Pumpkinhead’s toyroom, made some awesome banana bread and cooked a yummy dinner of three-bean turkey sausage stew. Mmmm. Now it’s only 5:15 and I’m watching Ugly Betty and relaxing on the sofa. Next up, maximizing the productivity with a marathon study session and finishing up a short paper for my negotiations class.