Today was a real bummer of a day. Nothing in particular happened – just a continuation of yesterday’s funk. So I called on Blue Eyes to rescue me from my funk and he produced. Took me on a long motorcycle ride to clear my head and then to a lovely romantic spot by the water to eat dinner, talk and relax. It was really lovely.
What was not so lovely was getting back to his place, changing back into my blouse (wore a t-shirt for the long ride), and kissing him for a few minutes only to have him reject my advances in favor of sleep. I know, I know, he has to save lives. He needs his sleep. My head gets it. My heart, however, feels frustrated and undesirable and takes it personally. I MUST work on this. It may just be a result of marrying a guy who was ALWAYS on to the point of abuse or dating guys before that who were young and in the mood. Maybe this is normal for men my age?
This really isn’t about Blue Eyes. I think I’m just sad and upset about men and sex generally. First stupid John Edwards cheats on his lovely wife, then David Duchovny goes off for sex addiction treatment. Every woman in my Divorce Care group has a story of being cheated on. I have to wonder if men are just wired to seek sex from multiple partners? Don’t they know that women take these things VERY personally?!? Why do they always say, “It had nothing to do with you, honey.” Ha. One woman in my group had her husband leave Chicago for my city in October. Seemingly loving husband, he called her three times a day. He had a heart attack in April and then her mother died the next day. She arrived in my city to find that he was having sex during his heart attack with a woman he’d been seeing for most of the six months who had NO IDEA he was married. WTF?!?!? She was devastated, but has stayed with him so far. She’s attending our group for support. Another woman’s husband told her flat out he didn’t love her about 20 years ago and she’s also stayed with him. He has another lover now and has for three years. My mother’s best friend had the same thing happen with her husband of 30 years. Bt he wanted an open marriage so he could keep them both!!! What the hell is wrong with men?!? How can they be wired so differently that they can detach sex from love and see it as purely physical? I just cannot comprehend it and I find myself sad, dejected and humiliated because of the man who cheated on me, the rejection of this evening and the horrible stories my group-mates have shared which lead me to wonder if all men are wired the same. So bottoms up. I’m halfway into a lovely glass of Merlot and then I am hitting the hay.
(In)Sanity Gal
September 10, 2008 at 10:20 am
PT, this post made me so sad, partially because I connected with it so much. Living as a lesbian, my issue wouldn’t seem to be with men, but as the daughter of a cheating father, it’s disturbing how those fears hang on no matter what. Men, women, whoever. I’m sending good thoughts out to you and hoping that today is looking better.
(P.S. I used to frequent your blog as Quirky – new blog now, and I’d love to see you over there!)
BS
September 9, 2008 at 3:11 pm
“Wiring” has nothing to do with being faithful in a relationship. Never, ever let a guy use the “men are just wired” differently as a justification for infidelity. Both men and women still find other people attractive, even when they are in a relationship. But that’s not the point. The point is, when you have committed yourself to a relationship, the trade-off is loyalty, trust, and devotion in exchange for sleeping with multiple partners. If some man doesn’t think that tradeoff is worth it, then he shouldn’t be in a monogamous relationship. But many men are willing to make that exchange.
Christa
September 9, 2008 at 9:05 am
No hon, all men are not wired the same. Men CAN be pigs, but not all ARE. Many have the right boundaries… and they care more than you might think. (((HUGS))) More in email!