| So my therapist wants me to work on listening to my inner voice and trying to figure out what I want in life and what makes me happy. Might sound like an easy assignment but I am a people pleaser. She told me to practice the following phrase: “I do not care to do that right now, thank you.” She also said that I need to remember that the reactions of others have little to do with me and learn to listen to my gut. So I have been going back to my youth to try to remember the things I enjoyed doing pre-marriage.
I love to journal but stopped keeping one after chapin laughed at me and called me stupid for doing so. He didn’t know about the blog (can’t use a computer) but would slam the lid of the laptop on my fingers if I wouldn’t get off the computer when he wanted my attention.
Anyway, I have already figured out a few things I like that I want to do. I used to love fishing off the pier or in the creek behind my house. i took pumpkinhead fishing recently and he is dying to go back so I’m going to buy him some supplies and get myself a nice pair of steel mesh gloves so I can handle touching the fish. I also want an herb garden just for the freshness and fragrance (chapin would also bitch every time I bought plants or flowers). And I want to go to a country bar and dance. I have never been but Blue Eyes used to work security for clubs so I am going to try to get him to ask me out to one sometime. He says he doesn’t dance but I can surely find a cowboy to indulge me if he won’t get out there with me (and then scoot right back to drink my beer with Blue Eyes when the song ends). Because I am going to try everything on my list, darn it, and overly jealous guys are permanently off that list. Fortunately Blue Eyes has been pretty accomodating of my other whims, especially the ones that benefit him (hubba, hubba) so hopefully he will go with it (or dance with me himself).
My other list items include going to a jazz bar with a girlfriend from work, a vacation to one of those beach resorts in a tropical locale, tubing down a river, berry picking, checking out the local art museums, having a picnic under the stars and camping in the backyard with pumpkinhead (guess I had better hop to it before the house sells and I no longer have a yard!)
I’ve already indulged my biker chick fantasy for six miles on relatively safe residential streets (thank you, blue eyes) but I should probably avoid the large hibiscus tattoo like my mom’s divorced friend got. With my luck, I’d get diseased or infected. You should have seen my hot, purple ears after I got my second set of holes as a teen!
Other than my to do list, my main goal is to think a moment before saying yes to anything. Pumpkinhead and I need to do some fun things together and I don’t want to take on any extra commitments that make life even harder, whether at work, school or at home. Saying no to my mother will be the hardest. “no, mom, I don’t care to go shopping with you today.”. Would you believe I hate to shop? Seriously. And she likes to go for HOURS!! Ugh. I also need to tell myself no, especially when it comes to studying versus something more fun like, say, blogging or reading blogs. Concentration is my top priority.
