| I’ve been having a tearful few days which has not been fun. But fortunately Blue Eyes has been keeping my mind off things with lots of movies/cuddles. He brought a DVD over the other night after Pumpkinhead was asleep and we stayed up watching it. Then tonight I took my dinner over to his house and sat on his couch watching Iron Chef and Top 100 SNL Moments with him. Went from a “slit my wrists and jump out the window” kind of mood to a much more peaceful state. Then he gave me a kiss and sent me home. LOL. Good man. 
Pumpkinhead starts Kindergarten on Monday!!!! Yikes! My mother turns 58 this weekend and we are having a pool party Saturday night for her. Guess I’d better finish unpacking my crap since my “pool room” is likely going to end up being Cousin Central since I have a TV and a dartboard in here. And all of my books have arrived for school so I guess I cannot put off getting my backpack from the house and getting prepared for class to start.
Pumpkinhead continues to not do well. I spent some time with him when I got home from work before I went over to Blue Eyes’ house. I was just in a terrible mood so Bad Mommy bartered with him. Said he could sleep in my bed if he let me go out for a while and hung out with his grandparents. He went for that, thank goodness. I found a support group program for both of us called Divorce Care. It’s a Christian program that facilitates discussion about the issues surrounding divorce. I like the fact that they explore all sorts of different models — single parents with no spouse, divorced parents with one gone, widowed parents, etc., so that kids can see that there are a lot of kids out there like them. The Divorce Care for Kids program runs 13 weeks alongside a Divorce Care adult program. It’s 9 – 10:30 at a local church each Sunday so Pumpkinhead and I should both be getting some good support soon. And hopefully I can stop crying.
My therapist says that by paying Chapin’s bills, I am continuing to allow him to control me. She says I should stop that and start to think about what I want/who I am. Honestly I don’t know the answer. Blue Eyes had to ask me what I like to do for fun. I laughed. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything fun that *I* wanted to do that I just don’t know the answer. I told him that and suggested a few things I’ve always wanted to do. So we’re going to work on that. Therapist thinks it is fine for me to see Blue Eyes because everyone recovers differently. She said that I just have to make sure I don’t try to “fix him” (codependent and all) and to remember that I need at least a year of recovery time. I’m journaling and trying to keep this stuff written down so I stay present and focused on me. I also ignored Chapin’s three calls tonight even though my blood pressure soared when I saw it was him (out of irritation and probably fear). I didn’t want a confrontation about where I was and why Pumpkinhead wasn’t with me so I didn’t answer. I need to stop caring what he thinks.
