Clear-headed
After almost two weeks on the new medication, my head is finally clear of the dopey drugs. Summer semester starts in another week and I’ve spent my mini-vacation between semesters doing some serious thinking with this newly clear head. Last weekend I left Pumpkinhead with my mother and spent part of my Saturday doing something fun just for me. Unfortunately I forgot that I was supposed to be at home with my son, only leaving the house with him and then only to see my family members — no friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. And I suffered the consequences.
But after eight years of living my life with a mind clouded by good intentions and a tender, forgiving heart, I’m finally rediscovering the strong, independent woman I used to be and the woman I want my son to know. As much as it may hurt Pumpkinhead right now, I need to show him that I can stand up for myself and for him against cruel and humiliating words. Looking back, I don’t know how I ever let myself change so much from the fearless person I was raised to be. But she’s not gone and I’m not going to let illness, financial necessity or guilt trips sway me from reclaiming her again.
Yes, I was not truthful in my last post about a “friend.” Thank you to all who responded with advice. They say that law school can be a stressful time and spur some wild life changes. In my case, it helped me regain the strength and confidence I had deep down inside and stand up for myself against a man whose insecurities caused him to doubt my love and wear me down with constant jealousy and attempts to control me. I did get a lawyer and I did file papers this week. Now I just have to stand up to this man — forcing myself to disregard the side of him that is a funny, loving father to my son — and get him out of my house. Thank God I have another week of strength stored up before school starts again and a long weekend ahead with a whole bunch of extended family around me to help me find some solutions.









May 24th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Wow. Lots of changes for you.
Best of luck, I’m glad the new meds are working out for you and that you’ve found the strength to do what you need to in order to be the best woman and mother you can.
May 24th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Wow. That is…amazing. I know what you mean about losing yourself in someone else - I’m escaping it myself again, although it was not a marriage this time (even though the relationship was far longer than my marriage, I think I am sufficiently scared of “marriage” and all that entails now.)
Congratulations on feeling strong enough to take this step, and the best of luck to you in your future.
May 24th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I wondered about your “friend!” I am very, very glad you hired counsel, because you don’t have to worry about standing up to him now - you have a lawyer who will take that burden on. That is the priceless part about dom/rel attorneys.
I hope you are able to feel proud of standing up for yourself and filing - You have a hard road in front of you, but you’ve already taken the hardest step. So many women never make it this far (I spoke with one on the phone - a friend - just a couple of days ago).
School will be harder this semester, but you will probably end up being glad for the distraction. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
May 24th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I’m sad your marriage is ending — that’s no fun no matter what leads up to it — but I’m happy you’ve made a positive decision for you and Pumpkinhead. When a marriage robs you of your true self, it’s time to let go. I know you’ll be glad you did. Take full advantage of that extended family!
May 24th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Wow I have been here a few times but I don’t believe I have ever commented.
You are very strong to have taken such a difficult decision and to have admitted it to your readers.
You have your blogging buddies too. Best of Luck.
May 25th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Good luck to you Pt-Law Mom. I think you are very brave. I will say a prayer for your family.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Oh my god, PT, I am so sorry. I am happy and relieved that you did what needed to be done, but I’m very sorry that it was necessary. I’m glad you have family nearby and are able to continue with school- maybe it will be good to have that distraction and that hope and opportunity for a wonderful, independent, and self-sufficient future. I’m glad you have a lawyer and I know you are doing the absolute best thing for you and Pumpkinhead.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:54 am
What a sad time. Even the most amicable of divorces are difficult, but you’re doing what’s best for you and your family, and you will all be happier because of it.
May 25th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I am so sorry. I didn’t see that coming. (hugs)
Best of luck