After almost two weeks on the new medication, my head is finally clear of the dopey drugs. Summer semester starts in another week and I’ve spent my mini-vacation between semesters doing some serious thinking with this newly clear head. Last weekend I left Pumpkinhead with my mother and spent part of my Saturday doing something fun just for me. Unfortunately I forgot that I was supposed to be at home with my son, only leaving the house with him and then only to see my family members — no friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. And I suffered the consequences.
But after eight years of living my life with a mind clouded by good intentions and a tender, forgiving heart, I’m finally rediscovering the strong, independent woman I used to be and the woman I want my son to know. As much as it may hurt Pumpkinhead right now, I need to show him that I can stand up for myself and for him against cruel and humiliating words. Looking back, I don’t know how I ever let myself change so much from the fearless person I was raised to be. But she’s not gone and I’m not going to let illness, financial necessity or guilt trips sway me from reclaiming her again.
Yes, I was not truthful in my last post about a “friend.” Thank you to all who responded with advice. They say that law school can be a stressful time and spur some wild life changes. In my case, it helped me regain the strength and confidence I had deep down inside and stand up for myself against a man whose insecurities caused him to doubt my love and wear me down with constant jealousy and attempts to control me. I did get a lawyer and I did file papers this week. Now I just have to stand up to this man — forcing myself to disregard the side of him that is a funny, loving father to my son — and get him out of my house. Thank God I have another week of strength stored up before school starts again and a long weekend ahead with a whole bunch of extended family around me to help me find some solutions.
