Judgments
As women in a highly competitive school environment leading to an even more high pressure career, we have to learn how to take shit, be it from clients, bosses or colleagues. One of the reasons I started blogging was to network with other future attorneys, both female and male, who could envision a more ethical, collegial world where we share resources and help each other. I have benifitted immensely from my network of contacts and hope to help others in similar ways. I feel like, especially as women, we need to support each other against this good ol’ boys network.
That is why it was particularly disappointing to read another MILS today support my view about how we need to be honest and open and help each other and then turn around and call one of the MILS a selfish mother — basically a bad parent — for allowing multiple babysitters to watch her baby so she could attend class. Haven’t we all done that? I know I have and I’m probably the worst offender — working full-time AND using evening sitters? I never see my kid! Then she pretty much called me out directly for having a nanny “raise” my child and drive him to school.
Regardless, she throws up a desire for “blogger honesty” as the motivation for stating that mothers who use babysitters are allowing others to raise their kids. This is a tired argument that just doesn’t hold water. It takes a village to raise a child. As much as my child might love to spend every minute with me, he is enriched much more by his interactions with the diverse people who care for him each day, from his Indian Montessori teacher to his Mexican nanny to his Texan grandmother and his British grandfather. Let’s not forget the gay couple at church who babysit in a pinch or the blind elderly woman who lets him read her stories while I study during the post-service coffee hour. It takes a village and I would be a selfish mother only if I were to deprive him of those experiences.
May 16th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Hear hear! Great post - you said just how I was feeling, and I think that is a really valuable way of framing the issue of your child spending time with someone else. When I start work in the fall and have the baby in daycare, she’s going to get to make baby and toddler friends, play with toys and read books we don’t have, and generally have a bigger world than the two of us have at home. Seems like a good thing.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I, obviously, agree completely. I know that Landon is enriched for his “bigger world” and the additional love and baby friends it brings into his life.
And I think it was incredibly cowardly to write a post about honesty and how we should all be judging one another and then close comments to the post. Perhaps she’s afraid of judgment for writing a sentence as screwed up as this: “And that makes blogging this stupid, polite game where everyone minds their manners.” I too hate it when people are polite and mind their manners, especially on incredibly personal topics when it is clear that everyone is doing the best they can. Given that, as she says, “that’s not real life”, isn’t it nice to have a supportive community of friends successfully working through the same challenges? Do we really need more judgment? I think there’s quite enough of it out there already.
Makes me glad I stopped reading that particular blog long ago.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Yeah, that’s pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.
First off, spineless to close comments. If you’re going to be all “honest” grow a pair and let people talk back. What kind of lawyer doesn’t let people answer her arguments? It’s not only cowardly, it’s unlawyerly.
Second, we ALL know who she’s talking about. I’d like to see HER try to cope being a single new mom struggling to finish law school as I myself am and THEN criticize childcare decisions. She can suck it.
And I definitely won’t be reading that blog ever again.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Moreover, she asserts that the other MILS must certainly feel the same way she does and that we’re all just holding our tongues in a “stupid, polite game where everyone minds their manners.” Guess what, lady? I could be way wrong here, but I would bet that most of the MILS understand the reality that if they are blessed enough to be able to afford to stay home with their kids right now while they are in law school, that luck will be short-lived. The law is a jealous mistress and one that does NOT cater to a family-friendly schedule. None of us, with the exception of those who have husbands who can stay at home or work split shifts, will be avoiding turning our children’s care over to someone other than one of his/her two parents.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
I reiterate, she can try a day in MY shoes and then suck it. I hope she reads this post. I really do.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Ok, I hate to badmouth another blogger over here, and would rather address her comments on her own blog, but it appears that her comments are disabled.
Anyway, the point that I wanted to make is: what woman enters law school not expecting to have nannies or babysitters to care for her children part of the time? I was perfectly aware that others would have to play a part in raising my children when I made the decision to go to law school. And I don’t think it is unfair to my children.
I spent 6 years at a SAHM. Those last couple of years I really did not enjoy spending 24/7 at home with my children. Honestly (since that’s what we’re seeking here, right?) I am a better mother now that I was then. I truly enjoy the time that I spend with my children now. It may not be as much time, but it is better time.
And despite the fact that a nanny watches them part of the time (and, omg, I will have two nannies over the summer) my children are happy, healthy and incredibly well-adjusted. I frequently get comments from other parents, teachers and even complete strangers telling me how smart, charming and well-mannered my girls are. But maybe the nanny made them that way, since I have a career.
May 16th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I closed comments because it doesn’t matter to me how YOU feel about my posts. I don’t blog to be liked by any of you. If you don’t like what I write, then don’t read it. It is as simple as that. And, since we’re being honest here, I don’t even subscribe to most of your blogs because what you write really isn’t all that important to me.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:35 am
Dude, I’m not even a mom, but I just know it’s bad taste for anyone and of course that includes the other comment disabled lawschoolmom to speculate and even try to assert what other people’s opinions beyond her own are and second it is also bad taste to criticize others (even if the criticism is veiled as a “personal” opinion). It’s one thing to disclaim personal opinions as “something I would never do,” it’s another to go a step beyond and say “and I can’t believe YOU are DOING THAT since you’re a MOTHER.”
Lady, you’re just not political enough. Also, blogging is a public forum. You better damn expect to be criticized if you don’t understand simple social politics. Yes, it is possible people had passing thoughts similar in judgment, but judgments are always based on personal beliefs and personal reference points. To assume that your judgments are the right ones is an incredibly self centered point of view, and if you continue believing the sun revolves around your head you will continue to be dissapointed throughout your life. Saying that you dont care about what YOU and what OTHER people say about you just enforces the theory that you believe (conciously or subconciously) that the sun revolves around your head. Anyway, good luck with that whole self centered point of view. I’m curious to see how far it takes you in life.
May 17th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I really didn’t intend for this post to turn into an attack post on another blogger. My intention was to point out that her argument lacks merit. I know I’m not drowning in guilt because my child is in daycare or with a nanny and I would bet that at least some of the MILS also understand that having backup childcare is a necessary part of the life of a mother in law school. I don’t think that makes us bad parents and I strongly resent the implication (okay, she didn’t imply it - she outright said it). Regardless, I would encourage anyone who feels like it’s necessary to say something harsh to LawSchoolMom to visit her blog and look for an e-mail address. I don’t really want my blog to become a battleground. Thanks ladies.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I also don’t understand writing judgmental posts about others’ parenting choices - not because I necessarily think that we mothers in the legal field need to stick together and support each other, but because I don’t think it is interesting or informative. I can learn something from reading each of your blogs, even if I disagree with your choices or think they’d work for me. I can learn that having a nanny is working for you, that having a somewhat flexible husband works for Zuska, that having a genius jeopardy-winning husband works for PBB — but I don’t learn anything by hearing that someone disagrees with choices that you or I have made, and frankly, I don’t find it interesting. There is always going to be someone who judges your or my decisions, but I don’t understand why they’d want to post about it personally and publicly. Anyway, I appreciate all you MILS’s for keeping blogs - I don’t do it myself b/c I’ve never figured out what balance of personal information I’d like out there, but I really enjoy reading them. Thanks.
May 17th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Wow - and WOW. Who knew? Good for you for calling BS on it. And good for all of us for getting through parenting and law school *however* we manage to do it.
May 18th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I would just like to say as a single childless person who just finished law school that I think all of you who go through school as moms are effing amazing AND a shining example to your children. There’s such a flip side to this argument. I know moms who “sacrificed” and then found themselves bitter and resentful once their children were grown. Live your own dreams so that your children will be free to live theirs.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:03 am
I just saw this post and, recognizing that this other blogger’s post had to be referring to me (who the hell else uses three babysitters in one day?) I clicked on the link. To be honest, I’ve only seen her blog once because the first time I tried to read it I found it (and her) brutally boring. The thing I find ironic is that she citicizes me for going to class instead of staying home with my baby, saying, “C’mon, is class really that important?” and then in the same post bitches about getting bad grades. Um, yeah, class really is that important.
Anyway, I’m glad I discovered this woman’s post AFTER reading your incredibly supportive post, and all the great comments that went along with it. Thanks for that.