It’s Nature, not Nurture
So I have this brother. I try to forget sometimes, but, yes, it’s true. In the last year he’s been arrested twice for assault (on his girlfriend…), sued his landlord for stupid crap and sued his car financing company to try to get around paying his car note. My parents have sent him thousands of dollars to “help” because he has a medical condition that he uses to make them feel guilty. I got a call at 1 a.m. from my mother asking me to put $550 into his account (her money; my Internet connection) because:
a) He was $447 overdrawn 
(she just gave him $2k about two weeks ago!)
b) He was stuck on the side of the road somewhere in DC with no money.
c) He was FIRED from his job because he decided it would be fun to have an after-hours party with some cute, UNDERAGE girls and provide them with alcohol from the restaurant bar. 
What part of “jailable offense” does he not understand?
Okay, the boy is 26 years old, still in undergrad (supposed to graduate this semester, but no promises on that score), and now jobless and close to apartment-less if his landlady gets her way (she’s already removed the laundry to make it harder for him). He had a heart attack at 20 because he decided to take Ecstasy despite the counter-indication with his medial condition. 
It’s all about sex for him (I really, truly, believe he has bipolar disorder that has yet to be diagnosed) because he does crazy stuff for women, including spending all of his money on impressing them. Of course it’s all “poor me, why do THEY do this TO ME.” Uh-huh. And my parents want him to move here so they can “help him.” Um, yeah, just bring his drama this way, why don’t you?!?
I transfered $550 into his account, crawled back into bed and heard Chapin say, “That guy is not allowed in our house ever, ever, EVER again.” 
December 5th, 2007 at 10:42 am
The nature/nurture aspect of all this is tough. “Nature” puts things into perspective but can also let you off the hook in terms of dealing with the problem. “Nurture” blames, but also provides a sense of hope that the problem can be solved. I have been on those merry-go-rounds so often in my family….
It’s a really hard line to walk, but I do think there needs to be a balance. Unfortunately your parents are enabling your brother - though given his propensity for aggression, it must be so hard for them to think of ways to truly help him.
I do think Chapin is right - you have to protect Pumpkinhead from that behavior. That’s where I am with my parents. It really sucks, because people with mental health issues are still capable of loving behavior, but in our case I don’t think they’re capable of real love. It’s not the same thing and ultimately it will end up confusing the child(ren). So we avoid them.
I personally would also avoid the money thing, but that’s a decision only you can make - everyone’s boundaries are different. You may for instance be comfortable sending cash if it means your brother stays away!
(((HUGS))) hon. I know there are no easy answers. Take care and let me know if you ever need to talk about crazy-making family.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Thanks Christa. It is indeed really, really hard. Your comment makes me realize I wasn’t clear on one point, however. I put the money in my brother’s account because we have the same bank and it was an instant transfer; my mother is returning the funds to me today. Chapin has a NO LENDING rule when it comes to my brother, who already owes us quite a bit of money from when we were first married, seriously broke, and still chose to “lend” to him.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Every family seems to have one of those. Some families, like mine for instance, have more than one. I also agree that Chapin is right; you can’t help a person like that unless and until he admits he has problems and starts honestly trying to help himself. Until that happens, he’s only going to bring his family — innocent kids included — down with him. As a mother, you can’t let Pumpkinhead be affected.
Re: nature vs. nurture: I recently read The Canon: A Whirligig Tour of the Beautiful Basics of Science, in which there was a section on that very issue. What I learned surprised me: Scientists have long since abandoned the debate altogether as irrelevant and overly simplistic. It’s only us lay people who even bother with it anymore. The reality just isn’t that easily compartmentalized.
You’re doing so well in the face of a stress level no one should have to tolerate. I really admire you!
December 5th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Hi there. Odd question, but I’m reporting a story for GLAMOUR and we need someone who’s used the Mirena IUD to interview. I believe you mentioned that in a post… if you’re game to be interviewed, please email me asap. Thanks!
December 5th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I hear you. I have a sister I haven’t spoken to in years and it took me a long time and hours and hours of talking to my mother for her to “understand” and “respect” my decision. The hard thing is my sister has children who are adults now, and while they don’t have the proven track record my sister does, I still won’t have anything to do with them, I see too much of my sister in them. You have to protect your own family which is your husband and your own children. Keep the drama at bay you don’t need it.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Oh the unfairness! You sound like you’re pretty tired of his shenanigans (sorry, the word seems applicable) At some point people have to become responsible for their actions and it sounds like his time has come. I’d like to say Same on your parents for enabling him, but it’s hard to know what you’d do when it’s YOUR kid calling in the middle of the night even after everything else…..
Keep your head up and try to maintain your sanity. He’s not your problem anymore!
December 5th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
I also agree with the enabling part. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a family member is to let them hit rock-bottom and then not bail them out. I’m sure it’s hard to leave your kid out in the cold when you could just “help,” but surely your parents realize they aren’t helping him in the long-run.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Oh my gosh I can’t imagine.
December 5th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Nightmare situation! But a highly entertaining post, nevertheless. Given the bad circumstances, you seem to handle it admirably.