PT-LawMom

Law.com has a provocative article today featuring female partner Mercedes Meyer of Drinker Biddle & Reath on the different male characteristics women should take on if they would like to be successful in the male-dominated legal world. I am not quite sure what I think of this. Part of me thinks, hey, if my colleagues don’t want to hear about my kid, screw them! If my male coworker can say, “I’ve got to leave early to coach little league” and everyone thinks he’s a big hero, why should the bar be any higher for me? The other part thinks that some of these tips wouldn’t be too hard to follow. I’m interested in hearing what you all think. Is it naive to believe that we shouldn’t have to do this? Is it necessary to take the gloves off, fight dirty and use a little potty mouth if we want to play with the big boys?

The problem is that women sometimes sabotage themselves with female mannerisms that men misread as hesitancy or uncertainty. As a result, the women don’t get tapped by partners to do important work, they don’t get called by clients, they start to stagnate and, eventually, they leave the law. The theory is that they miss out not because they’d rather be playing jacks with their daughters but because they haven’t learned the rules of the game.

At this point in the conversation, many people would start talking about flexible hours, telecommuting or part-time partnership tracks. Not Meyer. Instead, she is pushing women to reach the top in the traditional way: by figuring out what law firms expect and then supplying exactly that.

Take, for instance, the PowerPoint presentation Meyer gave at the 2007 spring meeting of the American Intellectual Property Law Association. At the time, she chaired the group’s Women in IP Law Committee. She called the talk “How to Pledge a Sorority When Your School Only Has Fraternities, or How Female Associates Can Become Partner.”

Fine-tuning one’s image was a big part of Meyer’s presentation. Think of the way Madonna keeps honing her public persona. But since pointy bras and elaborate dance routines are probably the wrong brand for lawyers, Meyer recommends instead a careful concoction of time-honored professionalism — a firm handshake and deliberate eye contact — with a determined avoidance of pre-feminist behaviors.

Translation: Don’t offer to take notes, make copies or get coffee. Don’t use a “questioning tonality” in phrasing questions — it makes you sound unsure of yourself. Don’t worry about whether everyone likes you. And think twice before you mention your offspring. In fact, Meyer says that women should treat the topic of children like politics or religion. Not everybody wants to hear about your kids, either.

Appearance, too, plays into the brand. Keep your hairstyle professional. Dress in a “classy” way. (There’s a good chance that means no cleavage and no tight skirts.)

The Washington Post has a sad article today about young groups of juveniles attacking Latinos walking near their homes and workplaces at night because many undocumented (and even legal) immigrants do not use traditional banks, but rather carry cash they get from check cashing stores. Many of these people are working two or even three jobs to scrape together money to support their families back home and then they have to take usually unpaid time off work to recover from injuries they suffer in these attacks. This actually happened to one of my family members about two years ago. He was beaten at a Metro station in DC and the attackers took his cell phone. Since he had documents and actually had a bank account, all they got was his debit card (which we promptly cancelled) but he was hospitalized for three days with a brain blead and remains emotionally traumatized by the event.

The Washington Post has a story today about fearful Latinos in Prince William Co., VA who are scared to even leave their homes to go to the doctors for fear of harassment by police.

Radio stations and hotlines are fielding calls from immigrants asking whether it is safe to drive cars or visit public parks. Lawyers are advising parents to make emergency plans for their children and assets in case they are detained on suspicion of being in the country illegally. Volunteers are organizing meetings, and one woman, a U.S. citizen from El Salvador, has decided to launch a write-in candidacy for the Board of County Supervisors.

“I feel as if my own community is slamming the door in my face. Someone has to stand up and do something,” said Araceli Paname¿o, 42, a longtime Woodbridge resident who took a leave of absence from her job in Washington last Thursday to explore the possibility of running in the election next month.

“I could sell my house and say I am fed up, but this county is my home,” she said. “I want to stay and try to change the environment.”

Ten miles away, Mirabel Martinez, 25, sat on her doorstep last Thursday afternoon, phoning a list of volunteers to plan a strategy meeting at a taco restaurant. She, too, is a legal immigrant and homeowner from El Salvador who lives in a quiet county neighborhood. She, too, said she had felt a new sting of hostility, even from a local church, which demanded proof of residency when she went to pick up donated food for a needy friend.

“I showed them my voter registration card, and they said it was not enough,” Martinez said. “I am here legally. But I have a lot of relatives and friends who are still illegal, and I can imagine how scared they are. I want to tell them to not be afraid and try to live normally, but to be careful and not do things like drive with false licenses. We can’t be defeatist. We have to stay and fight.”

The NY Times has a scathing editorial that shows how, mere days after vetoing the SCHIP bill, Bush requested additional funding for Iraq. When is he going to start putting his own people first? It’s shameful that so much money is being spent to fight a losing battle over there when the injured troops back home can’t even get their medical care or basic financial needs met without waiting for months on end. And don’t even get me started on health insurance.

Mr. Bush is threatening to veto most of the 12 domestic spending bills now before Congress because Democrats want to provide $22 billion more than the $933 billion he has requested. His argument? Something about the president’s responsibility to rein in lawmakers’ “temptation to overspend.”

This from a leader who turns federal surpluses into deficits, believes that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars can be financed on a separate set of books with borrowed money, and keeps having to go back to Congress for “emergency funding” because he cannot or will not tell the truth about what it is costing to fight these wars.

Mr. Bush’s latest emergency request is for $46 billion. That would bring the 2008 price tag for Iraq and Afghanistan to $196.4 billion. Starting at Sept. 11, 2001, war-fighting expenses total a staggering $800 billion or more. The nonpartisan Center for Strategic and Budgetary Assessments says that by the end of the year spending on Iraq will probably surpass that on the Vietnam War.

I had a bad experience today with a colleague that got me wondering why some people step on others to raise themselves up. My colleague portrayed me in a bad light to another colleague in order to make her motives seem innocent and make me look like the bad guy. We probably all do it sometimes if we think we can get away with it, but it can come back to bite us. In this case, my colleagues negative remarks were exposed when my other colleague spoke with both of us about it and it turned into kind of an awkward scene.

I’ve noticed that men especially seem to do this with women, perhaps to make themselves feel big and strong. I have a good recent example of this. A female attorney friend of mine went to her male boss seeking additional work because her latest deal had closed. He advised her to go see one of his partners. So, doing as she was told, she asked for an appointment with the other partner and asked him for work. He seemed eager to use her and she left the meeting feeling happy. However, later that day one of her friends overheard him telling her boss that she’d come to him for work. Know what her boss said? He told the partner NOT to give her work and said “That girl is always complaining. She needs to understand that she is my associate and that when I have work, she will have work.” So you can guess what happened. The partner didn’t use her and probably lost some respect for her, thinking she was crying wolf. Her boss totally and inexplicably stabbed her in the back.

Of course females do this to each other, too. What is it that drives us to exploit others’ weaknesses or gossip about the latest rumor. Is it that it makes us feel superior? Do we think that making someone else look bad or exploiting their weaknesses will get us ahead? At least with men I can chalk it up to a pissing contest but with women it is so destructive. Shouldn’t we be helping each other? It often seems like women are each others’ worst critics. When a friend of mine came back from maternity leave for a month and then made the decision that she’d rather stay home for a few years, the men seemed fairly accepting (as if that was “her place”) whereas the women were up in arms. How dare she make it harder for them by making the executives think that women will take maternity leave benefits and then just leave anyway? Why couldn’t they see the other side and understand her point of view?

This isn’t well thought-out, but it is my rant for tonight. I’d love to hear other people’s examples and ways they have stopped doing this to others and also protected themselves.

Not unexpectedly, the DREAM Act did not get enough votes to pass today.

It’s been a crappy day. I overslept (that’s twice this week and this rarely happens to me) and my coworker has been in a pissy ass mood today. Grrr. That has not improved my pissy ass mood and I can’t stop thinking about my friend having to bury her child today. So I’m going to take a few minutes of my lunch hour to do a fun little meme to cheer me up.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Pumpkinhead always makes me laugh.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Turning onto the highway from my neighborhood. Soooooo late!
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Getting bitched out by my coworker for making her miss her lunch (i.e., choose to be a martyr) because I was stuck in my boss’s office taking dictation for 20 minutes.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Worked a lot, took one vacation (Chicago) and applied to/got accepted into law school.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? No, I won’t type your tabs using a typewriter just because you like that old-fashioned font. It’s 2007.
6. How many beverages did you have today? Six so far. Two cups of coffee, two glasses of water, a low sodium V-8 and a sugar-free hot chocolate.
7. What color is your hairbrush? Silver
8. What was the last thing you paid for? A latte and yogurt at Starbucks last night on the way to class
9. Where were you last night? In class, like most nights.
10. What color is your front door? Red
11. Where do you keep your change? In my purse. Chapin has a big cookie tin he throws his in
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny and windy
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? My all-time favorite was Ben & Jerry’s Bovinity Divinity (chocolate ice cream with milk chocolate and white chocolate cows). I don’t really eat ice cream these days cause it makes me sick, but if I did I’d probably go Choc/PB or Choc Fudge. See a trend?
14. What excites you? A good book, an accomplishment by me or one of my family members, finding my favorite chocolate on sale
15. Do you want to cut your hair? I hate hair maintenance. I probably cut my hair four times each year
16. Are you over the age of 25? Yep
17. Do you talk a lot? Oh yes! Fast too.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Huh?
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Actually no.
20. Do you make up your own words? I always think I do and then I find out that someone else says it so I wonder where I must have heard it.
21. Are you a jealous person? Sometimes. My husband has a real problem with this so I try not to be but you sometimes find yourself matching the person you’re with.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Ashante
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Kakki
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Chapin
25. What does the last text message you received say? “I’ll be there!” (in response to my “Are you picking up Pumpkinhead?” message to my cousin)
26. Do you chew on your straw? Nope
27. Do you have curly hair? Not currently, but I have in the past
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Class tonight
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? My brother (close second to my obnoxious coworker)
30. What was the last thing you ate? Currently eating a Boca Burger, salad and an orange for lunch
31. Will you get married in the future? Already done it
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Last good movie I saw was “Blood Diamond” but that was more like two months ago.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? My sweet husband
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? If loading the dishwasher counts, yesterday morning
35. Are you currently depressed? Nope (unless you count temporary depression over my friend losing her child)
36. Did you cry today? Yes
37. Why did you answer and post this? Looked like fun
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey. If you want to do it, go for it!

The DREAM Act is up for a vote again tomorrow in the Senate. Please call your senator’s office to encourage them to cast a vote for this important legislation which will offer a path to citizenship to the children of undocumented immigrants who attend university or join the military so that they can utilize their skills and not have to pay for the sins of their parents. Marisa Trevino of The Huffington Post has a blog post today explaining the provision and the various arguments for and against it.

I just found out that my friend’s baby died. She was not even two years old and she stopped breathing (she had some other medical issues but, still, it was completely unexpected). They tried CPR and spent an hour working on her at the hospital but she died anyway. My friend has a son the same age as Pumpkinhead and a newborn and I cannot even imagine how grief-stricken and horrified she must be right now. Those of us who know her are shocked and saddened for her. It just makes me want to run home to Pumpkinhead and cuddle him and never let go although I realize that ultimately there is nothing we can do to prevent these types of senseless things from happening. I’d like to believe that God has a plan or a reason, but I’m not sure how I would feel if it was my own child dying or being taken away. I’d probably feel like LagLiv — ready for a break from the world. I hate that these mothers have to suffer so much and just wish that these sorts of injustices would stop happening to good, kind people (or any people, for that matter!) If you are saying prayers tonight, please pray for my friend, Erin, and her sweet angel daughter, Ramona.

The New York Times has an interesting article today on co-sleeping. Chapin, Pumpkinhead and I are happy co-sleepers. We bought a cradle and used it only for naps. We bought a crib and rarely, if ever used it. Pumpkinhead was pretty much in our bed from day one and we loved it (yep, we’re the Type 1 co-sleepers mentioned in the article). Several times we thought about moving him but realized if we were only doing it because society frowns upon it, that was silly. Truth be told, for the first two years of Pumpkinhead’s life, Chapin was working a 4 - 11 shift, I worked days and that nightime period was our only quality time. When we moved and both worked more normal schedules, we kept co-sleeping out of routine, not necessity.

Chapin grew up in a co-sleeping culture and his siblings still sleep together in their crowded hut in his country. When Pumpkinhead was an infant, we used a sleep nest to keep him safe from us rolling over. It was wonderful to have him there for nursing, but also because he looks like an angel when he sleeps. There is nothing like waking up to the sight of the two males you love the most gently snoring side by side.

That said, when Pumpkinhead turned 3 and got longer, more kicky, etc., I was ready for him to get his own bed. We finally made the transition into the big boy bed at 4. We have a bedroom adjoining our room with doors in between so he can see our bed. We bought him a neat nightlight that shines spiderwebs all over the ceiling. His twin bed is along the other wall and, after reading books, I leave the door open so he can see us until he falls asleep. This has worked well. Once he falls asleep, we can shut the door and have our privacy. Pumpkinead typically sleeps through the night, although he may crawl into bed with me around 5 a.m. and resettle. I get up shortly after he falls back to sleep to study and then wake him up after my shower. Cosleeping can work and the reality is that they won’t be in your bed forever. I think that kids are like animals. They know if something’s bothering you and it makes them resist more so perhaps the mother in the article needs to go with the flow and watch for natural signs that her child is ready to move on. Pumpkinhead heard his friends talking about their “Big Boy Beds” and that helped him make the move.

This article has some great information on safe co-sleeping.