Antisocial
You may find this surprising, but I am really not a people person. I’ve never been that popular and I feel like I’m constantly saying the wrong thing or that people are playing hide the ball with me in the sense that they are obviously not thrilled by what I’ve said/done and I just don’t know why. Wish I could figure it out but people typically flee without telling me. Becoming a mother has helped some. Because I want my child to have friends, I make the effort to get out and meet people. If I had my way, I’d lock myself in my bedroom with piles of books and never leave. But then if I needed help, who would be there for me? I know that, realistically, connections are important. I put on a good face as “outgoing”, but I’m really not good at handling conflict if it arises. Although I enjoy helping others, I’m a much better solo worker than a team member. I need to work on that, especially the conflict-dodging thing.
I have found two things out since the hell that was high school. First, foreigners get me. Not sure what that’s all about, but I do know that my Spanish-speaking husband can’t easily misinterpret or twist my words if I’m speaking his language since I really have to work hard to pick the right ones. We work. 
Second, I’m so much cooler online. I’m one of those people that devours info. When I was pregnant with Pumpkinhead, I read every pregnancy book out there and joined several online communities. I gave up on most of them because the women could be really snarky/judgmental and, quite frankly, many of the groups were just too large and difficult to follow. I found one, however, that was really comforting, and we’ve stayed together for four years, meeting in person and supporting each other on a daily basis online. I was part of the “in crowd” in the group and it was a really important part of my life for a long time until something bad happened IRL and I had to step out of the popular kids’ group and back to the fringes. Now I think I may join several members who have decided to leave or, at the very least, become less active. As our kids have gotten older, we’ve all gotten busier, but a lot of the women have also gotten decidedly more opinionated about the “right” or “wrong” way to raise a child. There is nothing tougher than being made to feel like you are a bad mother and nothing touches a nerve more quickly than having your child-rearing decisions questioned. While no one is overtly doing this to me, it seems to happen to those I care about more and more and I find myself hesitant to post anything for fear of being slammed down. Lately every time I visit the group or receive a private message from one of the members, I really do want to just crawl back under the bed and hide.
As for the blog, I really enjoy this but I worry about getting judged. I enjoy keeping this little journal of my thoughts and feelings and experiences as I go through law school and I think it’s important for others to see the reality of life as a law school mother. Hopefully I can be true to that and provide a good perspective on the whole experience. I feel like I don’t blog enough about Pumpkinhead, but the truth is that the days just run together lately and it’s hard to remember what’s happened all week when I go to post. I’m going to try to remember the purpose of my blog and stay true to that. 
And I’m going to work on getting over my inability to handle judgments!
September 16th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
I’m “antisocial,” too. Really, it’s not antisociability so much as it is an introverted, highly sensitive personality, and I have a sneaking suspicion that’s what it takes to be a faithful, engaging writer. It takes introspection to form those profound insights, and it takes a certain degree of social isolation before you need the outlet that a blog provides. (And I don’t think we would blog if we didn’t need to.)
Oh, and I’ve also learned not to expect too much of online groups. People come and go, interest ebbs and flows, and most groups have one or two people who reign over the proceedings like Mr. and Miss Popular did back in high school.
September 16th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Even if I didn’t know what you’re talking about with regard to that one group, I would soooo be able to relate to your post. In the past few months I’ve been thinking more and more that I just need to focus on the friends I’ve made, rather than trying to make more, which goes against my nature anyway.
It’s hard because as a writer trying to build a career, I need to network… and that’s not as easy as thinking everything is a business relationship. For now, then, I’m pulling back enough to nurture those existing relationships and get energy for networking. Here’s hoping it works!
September 17th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Those on-line mom groups scare me. I question the sanity of anyone who spends their entire day in chat rooms/message boards talking about nothing but motherhood. That’s why I like the law moms. I figure you can’t go completely insane if you still have other things you’re interested in!
I completely agree about other people being judgmental about the way you raise your children. I only judge people whose children are complete monsters and annoy me.
Other than that, none of my business!
September 17th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Proto, when I was first pregnant, I was so terrified that I needed my group to help me get used to the idea and show me how to do the motherhood thing! Now I find I depend on it a lot less and on my instincts a lot more, but at first I really did need it (in lieu of good role models IRL). Now I am a lot more comfortable fitting my writer and mother selves together.
September 17th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
I try to blog about one highlight of the day… one thing I want to remember.
September 19th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
I too could relate to this post. I’m not an overly social person, and frankly, there are days I really just don’t like people! Some of those days occur when I hear of these supposed “supportive” chat rooms where one or two moms ruin the entire atmosphere by spouting their judgments of the right and wrong way to parent. I don’t go to these groups, but my partner belongs to some of them and I cannot believe the behavior of some people! Too bad they are so insecure the only way they can feel OK about their own parenting is if everyone in the free world agrees with them, or has been verbally beaten into submission.
Well, keep focussing on what is important. Sorry to read your most recent post about the hard times you are going through. Hang in there. Sometimes, all you can do is move one foot in front of the other and get through the day. Have faith that better times are coming!