Remember that scene in the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood where Ashley Judd loses her shit with her kids, locks herself in a bathroom and ends up in a mental institution? I can suddenly understand this. This is going to be one of those really long, depressing, over-share posts that you should just stop reading now if you even are.
3 months ago I went into work after weeks of overworking myself until 7 or 8 at night and rushing home to feed kids or at least husband, cramming an insane amount of schoolwork into weekends and falling way behind. On that last day, I showed up for work feeling horrid and only came in because I knew they had a “shower” planned. It was a Tuesday. I had a planned induction that Friday. A global director decided to berate me during said shower for a problem I inherited in my new role that had not yet been solved for her. Within the hour I was being rushed to the hospital by a kind colleague (boss offered to call me a cab to the hour-away hospital) and when the baby was delivered three days later (longest and scariest labor I have EVER had), it turns out I had suffered a partial placental abruption (hence all the back pain – possibly night before after fight with dad or possibly during shower).
I spent the next six weeks dealing with a crazy temp, a crazy permanent employee, calling in twice a week as required for “managers at my level” and trying not to let on to my boss that these bitches were fricking crazy. Instead of the three months I had hoped to take with my third child, I was only able to take six weeks before rushing back to salvage my flailing department and ultimately fire one of the two crazy people.
Company then announced the third round of major layoffs during my six-year tenure is coming up in the next six months. Meanwhile Mr. V is losing his company’s biggest client and we don’t even have a bedroom for the baby except my bed.
And, as I wind up my final year of law school (core class finals end of this month and capstone class finishes end of May), I have been drinking approximately 1.5-2 bottles of wine a night. This has been an ongoing problem for several years now that has just gotten worse. As Blake Shelton sings, the more I drink, the more I drink. I can’t stop at one. No problem with beer, hard liquor, etc., just wine. A few weeks ago we went on a week-long cruise that we had planned and pre-paid for almost 14 months ago. The cruise line offered a drink package so we both signed up. It had a 15-drink maximum per day. And I hit it. Every sea day and pretty damn close on port days. One night I left the comedy club we were at, vomited in the bathroom, peed my jeans and had to leave Mr. V and walk back across the ship to our room to deal with my horrifyingly despicable, disgusting, shameful self.
Why am I telling you this? Cause I am scared and upset. I have put on probably 40lbs since I started drinking like this. Before I turned 30 and before I divorced Chapin, I rarely if ever drank. Now once I start, I can’t stop. I can’t go to happy hour because I can’t limit myself to a safe point. I have seen my doctor and she is helping me. I have joined a group and they are. But now I am so cranky and depressed and down and just overwhelmed. The reality of life with these three kids is so much. The logistics of getting them up, fed, bathed, transported, etc., is incredibly challenging. I had no idea. Adding the work stress, commute, marriage, Pumpkinhead’s ongoing severe challenges with his ADHD, etc., on top AND LAW SCHOOL and I am ready to check myself into an asylum.
Also… my parents. I ended up crying hysterically in front of the kids today after having it out with my mother. You may recall that I was going to cut them out of my life for a bit. That hasn’t worked well as I need their help while I am in school and they take the kids to church on Sundays so I can study. Because Mr. V has his own business, it is 7 days a week and so my choices are limited… even when bipolar Dad does things like leaving the 10 year-old and 3 year-old in a parking garage ALONE while he walks three miles to pick up his car (long story as to why). My parents invited themselves on our cruise, leaving my in-laws with both little ones instead of helping as promised. So we asked if they would watch them while Mr. V and Pumpkinhead fly out to LA for my graduation ceremony in graduation (after the bar*). They said no problem. Today my mother reneged on that and said she can only watch one. I got upset and she said my father won’t help her and my MIL should help because she hasn’t had a heart attack and 7 stents in her heart (yeah, she has just had a recent hip replacement, that’s all….). I cried in front of the kids and then came home and cried for a half hour in the car with Mr. V while Pumpkinhead and Baby J played inside. Every. Single. Time I think they can be trusted and won’t let me down, they do. I am so upset. I have never walked in a graduation ceremony – not high school or undergrad. I really want my husband and at least Pumpkinhead there to watch this. We can’t afford to bring all the kids. Now maybe I will simply have to go alone. I am so very sad.
I always feel like my posts end with no point except to vent. That could be true. FWIW, this was indeed a vent post. Yes, I know I have enough existing health issues without sending myself into an early grave by drinking. Yes, I know that drinking doesn’t set a good example for my kids. Yes, I know that it is more of a stimulant than an actual relaxing substance. Yes, I know I am a dummy for not seeking help earlier. Yes, I know I will likely fail at this a few times. Yes, I know I can’t control what happens with work or my parents or even my kids but I’d sure like to be able to.
P.S. Baby J told me today he wants a different Mommy. I cannot begin to tell you how that hurt. (It was because I gave him a shower but still…)
P.P.S. Just realized my last MILP Roundup was 11/18. Obviously I am way off. I am sorry. I am also completely unable to absorb a single extra thing until like June. If then. If I can keep it together that long.
*I have delayed my bar until next February for my sanity and because one of my employees is already taking it in July. I don’t need it for work and already make more than our legal would pay me as a first year so there’s no rush unless, I suppose, I lose my job in the layoffs.
Kids are cute and do love each other though, even though they have all decided screaming at the top of their lungs and pushing each others’ buttons is the new best thing.