Checkmate

Thanks to everyone who gave me reassurance and feedback that I’m not a crazy psycho.  After sending my overkill e-mail, I sent another one the next morning apologizing for being rude but stating that since they had come back to the U.S., all of our interactions have been very stressful.  I then tried to be more straightforward and set forth some specifics for them to consider. 

For example, when they give advice or express disappointment about how I’m raising Pumpkinhead, they seem to be forgetting that I have both Chapin and Mr. V’s parenting styles to contend with already, in addition to my own desires, and I don’t need another voice chiming in.  Or that where they never said anything about my controlling, emotionally abusive ex-husband (and, indeed, stay in contact with him and have only sweet things to say about him), they somehow feel it is appropriate to make negative comments about my current husband.  My suspicion is that this is because he is a more outspoken and, in addition to lots of my own post-divorce therapy, has helped me express my desires in a more healthy and less co-dependent manner.  We talk constantly and make a lot of decisions together because I agree with him whereas with Chapin, I would do what he said, even if I hated it, because he scared me and dealing with his bullying was overwhelming.  I’m in such a better place right now that it disappoints me that they don’t see this and understand that I am making choices, too, not just going along for the ride.

I also mentioned my father’s behavior.  He is bipolar and he thinks he has aspergers.  I think he’s just rude and inconsiderate.  This has gotten much worse and I don’t know if it is the meds he is on or that he just doesn’t see it.  After he cut off a saleswoman when she was responding to a question of mine with “no one cares.  We just need to know ‘x’ and you need to do your job and tell us”, I exclaimed “DAD!”  It was totally out of left field in the middle of a good day when he wasn’t agitated.  Seems strange.  I then followed up in an email expressing concern.  He says it’s just his family who is down on him but he knows his colleagues would tell him if he was out of line.  Hahaha.  So in my email, I said that his colleagues most certainly would not tell him and, moreover, he’s treating mom badly with his curt, aggressive tone and I worry about the impact on her and on his work.  He has been out of work a lot in the past 5-10 years, mostly triggered by his outbursts or depressive states, and I worry about having to support them in their old age (no, I did not say that last part).

Finally, I was straightforward about my mother bailing on her commitment to Baby J.  I said that I was disappointed that she chose to lie and to blame my father.  I told her that, even if my Dad would be angry or disappointed or her friend would have been upset, the decision to choose an elderly friend who she hadn’t seen for years over a commitment to her grandchild was ultimately hers and she needs to own that.

So they got my email and said nothing.  Then today I get an email that says they read my concerns, are discussing them, but feel like we need a time out from each other.  They said maybe they will meet with me and a counselor later in the summer.  Guess I got the estrangement I was considering.

I responded fair enough.  And asked them to let me know if the “time out” means that they will not continue taking the boys to church on Sundays while I study, particularly as I am heading into exam time.  We’ll see.  If they do that to their grandchildren, a line will be irrevocably crossed.

Overkill

After bailing on Baby J and me and going gambling for a week, my mother returns with the following text “I’m going to need your help cleaning my house for two hours tomorrow.  We’ll talk tonight.”  Um….  Yeah, so they are trying to sell their house.  It has been on the market a week and they have had HORRID reviews.  Couldn’t figure out why until I went over there.

I had told her I would need her to watch Baby J while I cleaned (she can’t get down on her knees due to bone-on-bone osteoarthritis and one day’s notice wasn’t enough time for me to call/pay for a housecleaner, although that’s what I should have done in hindsight).  I show up at 9a and she’s out running errands.  Baby J is racing around the empty house like a mad nut on the incredibly hard concrete tile floors.   I have bleach and other not-baby-friendly chemicals in tow.  She finally shows up at 10:15 and decides to watch him by the pool.  This is not reassuring since she can’t exactly jump in after him if he takes a dive. Then my father mentions that they won’t be taking the kids to church Sunday while I study but instead plan on having them at the house while they finish repairs before the open house that afternoon.  Yeah, NOT!  They were upset that I didn’t seem to think that was a good idea.  But I digress…

So I go into the master bath and there is a cracked toilet, seat up and rim covered in hair and pee stains.  I proceed to vomit, as is my current modis operandi around anything even slightly gross (thank you, 11 weeks of pregnancy hell).  I then scrub it, gagging as I go, and proceed to the dust-caked ceiling fan, the yellow/soap-scummed tub and the dust-and-God-knows-what blinds.  To be fair, my parents have been living overseas for three years and the house wasn’t this gross when they left.  Their tenants were nasty pigs. But my parents had promised Mr. V (their realtor) that they would clean, put doorknobs on, etc., before it was listed and then pushed him to list it a week ago.  Eleven people came through before I came to clean.  Cause, of course, my mother was off gambling….

Anyway, this story is again getting way too detailed and long.  I finished the scrubbing, rescued Baby J and drove an hour back across town to my house.  Then Sunday came.  My mother posted something nasty and passive/aggressive to my Facebook wall.  I responded to note that my Dad had not done what he said he would do at the house and, as a result, X had happened.  She freaks and asks why Mr. V isn’t telling them and then sends him a nasty text telling him not to discuss their house with me.  Then today she texts me three times at work about stupid, random shit.  I ignored her (was actually, gasp, WORKING!) until I got an e-mail.  The e-mail reiterated the husband crap and I lost it.

And here is the overkill part.  I went Pregzilla on them.  Called her, fought, hung up on her, took call from my father, screamed at him and then sent super-pissed smackdown email in response to hers.  And then proceeded, after 5 minutes of calming down, to feel horrible for being so bitchy.  Now I am just bummed and upset with myself for my complete inability to set boundaries.  Instead I wait until they are fully violated before freaking out and shoving them back to a point that makes no sense.  Not sure why I do this but it is definitely a trend.  Hormones are not helping.  Between the daycare director, my husband/kids and now my parents, I am freaking out and going to hormone defcon 10 in a flash.  I know I need to have a sitdown with my parents.  And I know this post probably sounds silly and I haven’t explained the full story.  But right now I’m shuffling between enraged and in-bed-in-fetal-position.  I have no energy to fight or discuss except that caused by hormone-induced rage.  Bah.

Becoming Estranged

How do you make the decision to completely cut off your family?  I have mentioned before that my parents recently moved back from overseas.  Now my parents (and both sets of in-laws) live within spitting distance of us.  This has been great as I try to finish school because they can all help with weekend child entertainment.  My parents, for example, take both kids to church, lunch and the playground so I have several hours of concentrated study time.  Now, headed into finals, is really not the time to rock that boat.

However, certain recent decisions they have made are pushing me over the edge.  My family has always been the outcasts when it comes to the extended family (on both sides).  We had a family gathering this past weekend and my family was specifically excluded from the before- and after- gatherings while EVERYONE else was included.  My brother ended up being at the after-gathering (even though he is the most hated of our family) and was in the “whole family!” pictures.  I, on the other hand, knew nothing about it and was really bummed to be excluded.

Then today my mother, who had committed weeks ago to do something at Baby J’s daycare for a special week the kids are having next week, backed out suddenly today.  She says “I have to take an elderly family member to [neighboring state] for medical care.”  Guess what?  There are no elderly family members who leave their nursing homes much less go on road trips and we live in a town with some of the best medical care in the country.  Nope, she really signed up to help the elderly mother of a friend she hasn’t seen in 20 years go gambling for a week.    The daycare has promoted her coming to the kids and parents and they were all so excited.  I was totally in tears.

This reminds me of when I applied for colleges and my parents told me at the last minute that they weren’t paying for anything (then paid full ride for my brother).  Or when they said they’d buy me the laptop I needed for school … then just cosigned a loan application and made me pay for it.  I am so fucking done with them.  It’s one thing after another.  I’m disappointed and sad that they can’t live up to their promises.  Why do I keep letting them suck me in?  I wrote about my mother’s going off the deep end back when I met Mr. V.  And her other drama.  And their wishy-washy nature.  And their ridiculous choices. We’ve finally gotten back to a “good” point but then she keeps doing things like this.

Do I want Pumpkinhead and Baby J to know and enjoy their grandparents?  Yes.  Do I need them to help while I am in school?  I need someone, that’s for sure!  Can I keep letting them break me this way?  No.  I know some of you have experienced toxic family relationships.  Did you find a way to put up boundaries and still maintain a relationship?  I’d love some tips because today my heart is just broken at their lies and bad choices.